Saw Oya yesterday.  I felt relieved after talking to her, as she understood how I felt after my issues at the hospital, and said that my feelings were valid.  She said it's like I've been re-traumatised because of how I was treated.  Like, although the circumstances weren't the same, the feelings it brought up are similar, so it's triggered some flashbacks and intrusive thoughts.

I feel let down by myself that not being able to speak out in the hospital has lead to a set back.  Sleeping is an issue again, and I just feel vulnerable and anxious.

The difference is, she said, we're going to work through the feelings it's brought up now, and not ignore them, or brush them away, or bury them.  That's got to be a positive, right??

So, the whole getting the tonsils out thing was traumatic.  I'm almost at the end of my 10 day isolation (2 more days!!), and then it's no crowded places, or work until 27th still.  I can't wait to get out of the house, and I'm missing work sooo much!!

The hospital was traumatic as the vast majority of staff I met were male - my nurse, and my night nurse were male, the anesthetist was male, and my surgeon was male.  I tried to talk to the anesthetist about my massive anxieties about being put to sleep, and I asked for Si to come into the room while I was put to sleep, but he wasn't having any of it, and just said that it's not appropriate, so it wasn't possible.  I didn't feel able to share about my history as I was surrounded by men.  Don't get me wrong, they didn't do anything inappropriate and were nice enough, but I felt intimidated, and small.  I'm not sure how present I was to be honest.  I felt like I was on autopilot.  I'm going to talk to Oya about it when I see her on Tuesday, but my littles have been scarily absent since.  The only one who's been around is Belle, and that was because Niamh wanted to do colouring.

I feel Belle getting excited about Christmas, and she's loving the present buying for everyone.  Yesterday, we had to choose and buy some "spy toys" for my nephew, and it was such good fun!!

Today, we sorted through the Christmas presents, and condensed them down into some cardboard boxes that we've sealed up so they can be more easily hidden in the garage - I don't want anyone sneeking around, and then finding something they shouldn't!!

I had counselling again on Tuesday, and there's been some developments...

We made a list before of my littles, and there's 5, but now I've realised they're hiding someone.  I know they're young, male and they won't let him out as they're telling me "he's bad" but I don't know anything else.  My counsellor said just to leave things for now, and it'll come with time.

Also, the little one who's 10 (they haven't told me their name yet) is the one who's always anxious and scared...  she's started coming to my husband, Si, for cuddles, which is lovely.  It's really helped at night time.

Titch (13) is starting to realise that HE doesn't deserve to be up on the pedestal she put him on, and he was mean to us.  It's like the bottom has dropped out of her world, and she's absolutely devastated.  I've been trying to comfort her, but she's not around at the moment.  Again, Oya (counsellor) said not to rush things, she's probably processing things.

Health-wise...  I have my tonsils out on Wednesday night, so I have to be in self-isolation for 2 weeks and not leave the house.  I go back to work on the 27th.  I saw a physio Wednesday afternoon, and they've given me some exercises to change the way I walk, and to strength the muscles around my hip to try to stop the subluxing.  Hopefully, it'll put off the hip replacement a few more months, but the bone scan results also showed it was inevitable as the cement around the socket joint is coming loose.