Triggered tonight by one of the scout leaders at the group the kids went to looking very similar to my abuser... Even down to the glasses. I'm tired now, but too scared to close my eyes.
Tuesday, 23 April 2013
Monday, 15 April 2013
Laid awake at Great Ormond Street. Dylan's been asleep for hours. Thinking. My mind's full of crap I could do without right now! Like, the fact my abuser's bail is up tomorrow, even though I know CPS haven't looked at anything yet, so I know he'll be rebailed. Still stressing. About his reaction, about what I'm doing...
Laid
awake at Great Ormond Street. Dylan's been asleep for hours. Thinking. My
mind's full of crap I could do without right now! Like, the fact my abuser's
bail is up tomorrow, even though I know CPS haven't looked at anything yet, so
I know he'll be rebailed. Still stressing. About his reaction, about what I'm
doing...
Thursday, 11 April 2013
This
morning the weather's dreary, and I should be getting on with housework.
Last night was filled with puzzling dreams - his face, the courtroom, having to give evidence. I don't think it got to an outcome, but it was pretty harrowing. I remember lots of tears, and coming off the stand feeling raw and exhausted.
I know I won't go "on the stand" anyway, as I'll be able to give evidence from another room, but after my dream the other night of Andy finding me in a mess of tears in a stairwell, I wonder if I'm more stressed about this than I realise. It's obviously playing on my mind, and is in my waking thoughts, as well as my dreams.
At least I still see my therapist as helping me - I mean, when he found me in the stairwell in my dream, he was only one who could get through to me, and calm me down. He was a massively calming influence.
I do wonder what affect going to court and dragging it all up and out into the open is going to have. I'm hoping for the closure, but I'm worried about the "along the way", or "getting there". I know it might not even go to court yet, but I can't help thinking about it. I don't want to end up back in that dark place, when the flashbacks are constant. I didn't like it, and it scares me. I can see it from time to time, but keep myself busy, and push it back away. Will that keep working??
Last night was filled with puzzling dreams - his face, the courtroom, having to give evidence. I don't think it got to an outcome, but it was pretty harrowing. I remember lots of tears, and coming off the stand feeling raw and exhausted.
I know I won't go "on the stand" anyway, as I'll be able to give evidence from another room, but after my dream the other night of Andy finding me in a mess of tears in a stairwell, I wonder if I'm more stressed about this than I realise. It's obviously playing on my mind, and is in my waking thoughts, as well as my dreams.
At least I still see my therapist as helping me - I mean, when he found me in the stairwell in my dream, he was only one who could get through to me, and calm me down. He was a massively calming influence.
I do wonder what affect going to court and dragging it all up and out into the open is going to have. I'm hoping for the closure, but I'm worried about the "along the way", or "getting there". I know it might not even go to court yet, but I can't help thinking about it. I don't want to end up back in that dark place, when the flashbacks are constant. I didn't like it, and it scares me. I can see it from time to time, but keep myself busy, and push it back away. Will that keep working??
This morning the weather's dreary, and I should be getting on with housework.
Last night was filled with puzzling dreams - his face, the courtroom, having to give evidence. I don't think it got to an outcome, but it was pretty harrowing. I remember lots of tears, and coming off the stand feeling raw and exhausted.
I know I won't go "on the stand" anyway, as I'll be able to give evidence from another room, but after my dream the other night of Andy finding me in a mess of tears in a stairwell, I wonder if I'm more stressed about this than I realise. It's obviously playing on my mind, and is in my waking thoughts, as well as my dreams.
At least I still see my therapist as helping me - I mean, when he found me in the stairwell in my dream, he was only one who could get through to me, and calm me down. He was a massively calming influence.
I do wonder what affect going to court and dragging it all up and out into the open is going to have. I'm hoping for the closure, but I'm worried about the "along the way", or "getting there". I know it might not even go to court yet, but I can't help thinking about it. I don't want to end up back in that dark place, when the flashbacks are constant. I didn't like it, and it scares me. I can see it from time to time, but keep myself busy, and push it back away. Will that keep working??
Last night was filled with puzzling dreams - his face, the courtroom, having to give evidence. I don't think it got to an outcome, but it was pretty harrowing. I remember lots of tears, and coming off the stand feeling raw and exhausted.
I know I won't go "on the stand" anyway, as I'll be able to give evidence from another room, but after my dream the other night of Andy finding me in a mess of tears in a stairwell, I wonder if I'm more stressed about this than I realise. It's obviously playing on my mind, and is in my waking thoughts, as well as my dreams.
At least I still see my therapist as helping me - I mean, when he found me in the stairwell in my dream, he was only one who could get through to me, and calm me down. He was a massively calming influence.
I do wonder what affect going to court and dragging it all up and out into the open is going to have. I'm hoping for the closure, but I'm worried about the "along the way", or "getting there". I know it might not even go to court yet, but I can't help thinking about it. I don't want to end up back in that dark place, when the flashbacks are constant. I didn't like it, and it scares me. I can see it from time to time, but keep myself busy, and push it back away. Will that keep working??
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
Today I'm tired and stressy.
I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world.
Yesterday I spent the day feeling shaky and tearful, which started after I damaged the car while nearly crashing it, swerving to avoid a car coming head on at speed down my side of the road in a narrow(ish) lane. The feeling then just didn't leave me all day.
It might sound odd, but I'm looking forward to being at Great Ormond Street with Dylan next week - only really because I just want some space, and I'm not getting it right now as both the kids are off school. I'm feeling quite claustrophobic. I've been quite short-tempered today, and I don't like being short with the kids, but I can't help it.
My head feels kind of swim-my, and I know that sounds weird, but I can't seem to stay focused. I'm thinking of going to bed, so my battle with staying present can stop. I don't really care right now what my subconscious (or unconscious) mind brings, I'm just sick of fighting it.
I've been having some "why me?" moments - like "why did he pick me?", "what did I do?", "what could I have done differently?", "what did I do wrong?", "what should I have done/said/etc?" I know I'll never get those answers, but they do bug me from time to time. I've also been thinking about what he's thinking right now, and I do worry about him. I worry about how he's feeling, and what he thinks of me... I feel bad for telling. Even after I told I said I'd be quiet about it, and now I'm not. I feel bad.
I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world.
Yesterday I spent the day feeling shaky and tearful, which started after I damaged the car while nearly crashing it, swerving to avoid a car coming head on at speed down my side of the road in a narrow(ish) lane. The feeling then just didn't leave me all day.
It might sound odd, but I'm looking forward to being at Great Ormond Street with Dylan next week - only really because I just want some space, and I'm not getting it right now as both the kids are off school. I'm feeling quite claustrophobic. I've been quite short-tempered today, and I don't like being short with the kids, but I can't help it.
My head feels kind of swim-my, and I know that sounds weird, but I can't seem to stay focused. I'm thinking of going to bed, so my battle with staying present can stop. I don't really care right now what my subconscious (or unconscious) mind brings, I'm just sick of fighting it.
I've been having some "why me?" moments - like "why did he pick me?", "what did I do?", "what could I have done differently?", "what did I do wrong?", "what should I have done/said/etc?" I know I'll never get those answers, but they do bug me from time to time. I've also been thinking about what he's thinking right now, and I do worry about him. I worry about how he's feeling, and what he thinks of me... I feel bad for telling. Even after I told I said I'd be quiet about it, and now I'm not. I feel bad.
Ramblings from 5th April 2013
So, after getting the all-clear to write a more limited audience journal, I feel the gag's been removed somewhat - although, I'm limited a little in that I can talk about feelings, but not details of what happened or mention names.
At the moment it's all limbo and delays - he's going to be re-bailed soon until mid-May, as the CPS are too busy to review the case till then! It's crazy. I first reported this in September last year, and it'll be May before I'm likely to get a decision - so 9 months to get a charge (or multiple) decided upon.
I've felt quite out of control this week, and I've had to have people around me the whole time, and be busy - I even took a sleeping tablet the other night as I didn't want to dream.
Driving's helped calm me down - one afternoon I couldn't focus my thoughts, so I took Niamh in the car and drove to the Nugent to wander round a few shops. The distraction really helped.
I've had fears about Court circulating round my head. Although I know I'll give evidence in a separate room, I'm worried about waiting rooms and outside. Obviously, this is still "what if", as the CPS may decide only to charge him with what he's admitted to.
It's the waiting that's driving me crazy. I can't relax or move on as I may have to tell everything to a court room and face cross-examination.
I think if the decision is made to take it to court, I'm going to see if my insurance company will cover some more therapy session with Andy. I'm starting to miss the stability of him and that room as an outlet. I do feel bad for Andy though as Trish said he'll need to be re-interviewed regularly, so it'll mean extra work for him.
At the moment it's all limbo and delays - he's going to be re-bailed soon until mid-May, as the CPS are too busy to review the case till then! It's crazy. I first reported this in September last year, and it'll be May before I'm likely to get a decision - so 9 months to get a charge (or multiple) decided upon.
I've felt quite out of control this week, and I've had to have people around me the whole time, and be busy - I even took a sleeping tablet the other night as I didn't want to dream.
Driving's helped calm me down - one afternoon I couldn't focus my thoughts, so I took Niamh in the car and drove to the Nugent to wander round a few shops. The distraction really helped.
I've had fears about Court circulating round my head. Although I know I'll give evidence in a separate room, I'm worried about waiting rooms and outside. Obviously, this is still "what if", as the CPS may decide only to charge him with what he's admitted to.
It's the waiting that's driving me crazy. I can't relax or move on as I may have to tell everything to a court room and face cross-examination.
I think if the decision is made to take it to court, I'm going to see if my insurance company will cover some more therapy session with Andy. I'm starting to miss the stability of him and that room as an outlet. I do feel bad for Andy though as Trish said he'll need to be re-interviewed regularly, so it'll mean extra work for him.
Today
I'm tired and stressy.
I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world.
Yesterday I spent the day feeling shaky and tearful, which started after I damaged the car while nearly crashing it, swerving to avoid a car coming head on at speed down my side of the road in a narrow(ish) lane. The feeling then just didn't leave me all day.
It might sound odd, but I'm looking forward to being at Great Ormond Street with Dylan next week - only really because I just want some space, and I'm not getting it right now as both the kids are off school. I'm feeling quite claustrophobic. I've been quite short-tempered today, and I don't like being short with the kids, but I can't help it.
My head feels kind of swim-my, and I know that sounds weird, but I can't seem to stay focused. I'm thinking of going to bed, so my battle with staying present can stop. I don't really care right now what my subconscious (or unconscious) mind brings, I'm just sick of fighting it.
I've been having some "why me?" moments - like "why did he pick me?", "what did I do?", "what could I have done differently?", "what did I do wrong?", "what should I have done/said/etc?" I know I'll never get those answers, but they do bug me from time to time. I've also been thinking about what he's thinking right now, and I do worry about him. I worry about how he's feeling, and what he thinks of me... I feel bad for telling. Even after I told I said I'd be quiet about it, and now I'm not. I feel bad.
I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world.
Yesterday I spent the day feeling shaky and tearful, which started after I damaged the car while nearly crashing it, swerving to avoid a car coming head on at speed down my side of the road in a narrow(ish) lane. The feeling then just didn't leave me all day.
It might sound odd, but I'm looking forward to being at Great Ormond Street with Dylan next week - only really because I just want some space, and I'm not getting it right now as both the kids are off school. I'm feeling quite claustrophobic. I've been quite short-tempered today, and I don't like being short with the kids, but I can't help it.
My head feels kind of swim-my, and I know that sounds weird, but I can't seem to stay focused. I'm thinking of going to bed, so my battle with staying present can stop. I don't really care right now what my subconscious (or unconscious) mind brings, I'm just sick of fighting it.
I've been having some "why me?" moments - like "why did he pick me?", "what did I do?", "what could I have done differently?", "what did I do wrong?", "what should I have done/said/etc?" I know I'll never get those answers, but they do bug me from time to time. I've also been thinking about what he's thinking right now, and I do worry about him. I worry about how he's feeling, and what he thinks of me... I feel bad for telling. Even after I told I said I'd be quiet about it, and now I'm not. I feel bad.
Friday, 5 April 2013
So,
after getting the all-clear to write a more limited audience journal, I feel
the gag's been removed somewhat - although, I'm limited a little in that I can
talk about feelings, but not details of what happened or mention names.
At the moment it's all limbo and delays - he's going to be re-bailed soon until mid-May, as the CPS are too busy to review the case till then! It's crazy. I first reported this in September last year, and it'll be May before I'm likely to get a decision - so 9 months to get a charge (or multiple) decided upon.
I've felt quite out of control this week, and I've had to have people around me the whole time, and be busy - I even took a sleeping tablet the other night as I didn't want to dream.
Driving's helped calm me down - one afternoon I couldn't focus my thoughts, so I took Niamh in the car and drove to the Nugent to wander round a few shops. The distraction really helped.
I've had fears about Court circulating round my head. Although I know I'll give evidence in a separate room, I'm worried about waiting rooms and outside. Obviously, this is still "what if", as the CPS may decide only to charge him with what he's admitted to.
It's the waiting that's driving me crazy. I can't relax or move on as I may have to tell everything to a court room and face cross-examination.
I think if the decision is made to take it to court, I'm going to see if my insurance company will cover some more therapy session with Andy. I'm starting to miss the stability of him and that room as an outlet. I do feel bad for Andy though as Trish said he'll need to be re-interviewed regularly, so it'll mean extra work for him.
At the moment it's all limbo and delays - he's going to be re-bailed soon until mid-May, as the CPS are too busy to review the case till then! It's crazy. I first reported this in September last year, and it'll be May before I'm likely to get a decision - so 9 months to get a charge (or multiple) decided upon.
I've felt quite out of control this week, and I've had to have people around me the whole time, and be busy - I even took a sleeping tablet the other night as I didn't want to dream.
Driving's helped calm me down - one afternoon I couldn't focus my thoughts, so I took Niamh in the car and drove to the Nugent to wander round a few shops. The distraction really helped.
I've had fears about Court circulating round my head. Although I know I'll give evidence in a separate room, I'm worried about waiting rooms and outside. Obviously, this is still "what if", as the CPS may decide only to charge him with what he's admitted to.
It's the waiting that's driving me crazy. I can't relax or move on as I may have to tell everything to a court room and face cross-examination.
I think if the decision is made to take it to court, I'm going to see if my insurance company will cover some more therapy session with Andy. I'm starting to miss the stability of him and that room as an outlet. I do feel bad for Andy though as Trish said he'll need to be re-interviewed regularly, so it'll mean extra work for him.
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