Toughest session so far I think today.  I spent a lot of it in silence, most in one flashback or another struggling to vocalise anything at all.  We spoke about safety, and I realised I haven't felt totally safe in quite a long time.  I admitted I didn't feel completely safe with him and Andy told me I was very brave for still going.  I said  I'm worried about getting lost in a flashback during an EMDR session, so we didn't start this week.  I've come to realise that I'm  not sure which part of the abuse is worse - what he did, or what he said - I mean, they both need working through, but the  stuff he said is what makes me ashamed and embarassed, and what makes me keep my mouth shut.  We spoke about crying - he said that sometimes I look like I need a good cry.  I don't do crying - too scared of not being able to stop.  He's tried to reassure me that that doesn't happen, and I'll find the release helpful - but I'm not so sure.  He said he thinks part of my unconscious is still stuck as a child - the part that wants to believe everything he said and did was ok.  We talked about how she needs taking care of now.  We didn't really talk about how or when or anything.  Andy was asking me what I was seeing/hearing while having flashbacks - whether it was just one image, or voices - I couldn't get the words out of my mouth.  Part of me knows that if I can just tell him a couple of things, the rest will come easier.  The problem is just starting that bit of conversation.

I forgot a couple of things.  Firstly, he asked me if it was part, or the whole, of me that felt I was betraying my grandad by speaking out.  He commented that it was a childlike view to hold.  We spoke about anger - Andy commented that through everything we'd discussed, I hadn't mentioned feeling angry towards my abuser, or for what he did.  I don't.  I still feel he didn't mean it.  Thinking about it though, anger scares me.  I don't like anger.  I worry about anger not being controlled.  Maybe that's something to do with it.

Today's session was a tough one.  After my tongue surgery yesterday, and given the fact I'm on edge at the moment too, I'm feeling pretty fragile right now.  The surgery triggered me, and today we worked out some of the reasons.

-  I had to stay still lying down
-  I had to keep my mouth open
-  pressure on my tongue
-  jaw ache
-  not being able to ask them to stop (I know if I did, it would only prolong the procedure)

It was useful to talk everything through.  I had a really hard time staying present in the chair during the procedure.  I started freaking out at one point - shaking uncontrollably and starting to hyperventilate - but they stopped and helped my calm down so they could put the stitches in.  Maybe I should've signalled when I started to panic, but I couldn't. Thankfully, the doctor noticed - she stopped, and just put her hand on my shoulder while slowly talking to me.

In therapy today we also talked about
- my previous marriage
- whether or not I want to prosecute at some stage - I said that I already feel like I'm betraying him, and I don't want to hurt him; also that I don't like it when people feel badly of him
- whether or not to confront my mum - I'm fairly sure he hurt her before, or during my abuse - so how did she not suspect?  Why didn't she ask?  Why didn't she protect me?
- he keeps telling me how strong I am, but I don't think so
- I don't know how I can work through things so he doesn't have power over me anymore if I don't believe he did anything wrong, but I don't know how to change that perception.

Flashbacks have been stronger since yesterday and it's harder to stay present and grounded.  I started drifting into them towards the end of therapy yesterday.  Andy noticed.  He asked me what was happening, but I just froze - I was too scared to tell him yet.  He asked about getting up and moving around, but I was in another flashback by then.  We're going to try EMDR next week, but we'll see how it goes.  He commented on my behaviour during a flashback - like I just seem to be lost and vacant.  At the moment, I feel him over me, kissing me - his tongue in my mouth, suffocating me - it's horrible.

Another session with Andy yesterday.  It left me feeling exhausted.  I was surprised how blunt he was about certain things - my last therapist was never so outspoken against anything, but Andy's different.  I felt like yelling at him at one point yesterday.  I did tell him that at least.  He said that my grandad was manipulative, and I nearly lost it - I wanted to tell him that he was wrong, and that wasn't how it was.  We spoke about how old I was when it started, and how long it went on for, and why I didn't tell sooner - basically, he  never said I couldn't tell anyone as such - but I never realised it shouldn't be happening.  I remember wondering why other family members weren't touching me too - he said it was because I was special and because he loved me - well, why didn't they feel that way about me too?  I remember feeling unwanted and rejected when the abuse stopped - like I did a bad thing tell, and he didn't love me anymore.  Andy also said that when I told my family about the abuse they all colluded against me to keep me quiet - so I wouldn't break up the family.  He said that pressure was unfairly left to rest on my shoulders.  It's so hard to work all this through - it means thinking badly of my family and my grandad for their part in all of this, and I'm not sure if I can.

I've been really panicky today and reluctant to go out.  I'm not even sure why.  I don't feel safe at the moment.  I'm on edge and scared all the time.  I just want to run away and hide for a while.  The kids are driving me crazy and me & Si keep fighting - it's horrible.

Well, it was my first therapy session with Andy yesterday.  I have to admit I was very apprehensive with Dr Broadhead suggest a male therapist, but after meeting him yesterday, I'm pleasantly surprised.  It wasn't like I felt completely comfortable with him, but it was only out first meeting.  We talked in general terms about some of my issues, and he seemed to be able to read me really well - whether from body language, previous experience, or whatever - I don't really care.  I just felt that he "got it".  I'm feeling very spaced and overwhelmed today, and I don't like it.  It's like everything's too much.  Oh, and I'm SO tired.

Vulnerable
Anticipation

It's like,  now I can imagine sharing stuff with him, everything's a little scary.