Toughest session so far I think today.  I spent a lot of it in silence, most in one flashback or another struggling to vocalise anything at all.  We spoke about safety, and I realised I haven't felt totally safe in quite a long time.  I admitted I didn't feel completely safe with him and Andy told me I was very brave for still going.  I said  I'm worried about getting lost in a flashback during an EMDR session, so we didn't start this week.  I've come to realise that I'm  not sure which part of the abuse is worse - what he did, or what he said - I mean, they both need working through, but the  stuff he said is what makes me ashamed and embarassed, and what makes me keep my mouth shut.  We spoke about crying - he said that sometimes I look like I need a good cry.  I don't do crying - too scared of not being able to stop.  He's tried to reassure me that that doesn't happen, and I'll find the release helpful - but I'm not so sure.  He said he thinks part of my unconscious is still stuck as a child - the part that wants to believe everything he said and did was ok.  We talked about how she needs taking care of now.  We didn't really talk about how or when or anything.  Andy was asking me what I was seeing/hearing while having flashbacks - whether it was just one image, or voices - I couldn't get the words out of my mouth.  Part of me knows that if I can just tell him a couple of things, the rest will come easier.  The problem is just starting that bit of conversation.