Spent a lot of time feeling sad and low.  Last night it seemed to get worse and my motivation suffered.  Baking fairy cakes for Niamh's party really helped.  This morning I feel calmer and happier, and my head feels a but clearer.  Maybe things are changing for the better? 

Weigh in at SW last night as I can't make Saturday and I maintained, which is good as we ate out twice last weekend, had a Chinese Tuesday night and Monday was a coffee morning which involved cheese scones and cake!!

Counselling yesterday saw a fundamental shift in a belief system I've determinedly and desperately clung on to for over 20 years.  This massive shift has been both extremely painful and incredibly disorientating.  Today, my mood has been changeable - sometimes I've felt sad, other times calm and focused, but some of the time I've felt like I'm floating, and it's almost like I'm not here at all.  I'm really struggling with these changes and it's difficult to process.

Yesterday, Emily and I started trying to change the way in which I regard my grandad, and with that, the way I feel about him.  This way I've clung on to for 20 or so years though is the way I've coped, and it's kept me sane.  The idea of changing it now is absolutely terrifying.

It all stems from the way he made me feel when the abuse was happening, and the way I felt after the disclosure to my parents about what had been going on.  What didn't help was that the emphasis on protection was placed on him rather than me by my family, so the way I dealt with it, and how I felt was strongly affected by that.

For years, I've clung to beliefs that he didn't mean to hurt me, and that he didn't know what he was doing was wrong.  As for our relationship, everything started at a time where new family bonds were forming, and I desperately wanted to be liked/loved by my new grandparents.  I loved him dearly, and for years he seemed to be the focus of my childhood as he made me feel special and wanted.  I believed he was touching me as I was his special girl and loved me perhaps more than the other children in the family.  I believed his every word - when he told me he was hugging, kissing, touching me and even having sex because he loved and and I was his "good girl" and "special".  I believed I was in a normal relationship and that what was happening was normal behaviour - to the extent that I couldn't understand why others weren't doing the same things, and thinking that they didn't really love me.

Yesterday was a lovely lunch at Frankie & Benny's with the wonderful Paul and Karen, and then back to ours for card games with the kids.  It was a bit traumatic in the morning when some friends pulled out, which meant it ended up just being us and Paul and Karen, but oh well, it was lovely anyway.

This morning, the kids are slowly getting ready for school, and I'm off to a coffee morning in my honour for my birthday!  I know, it feels weird as my birthday was 10 days ago, and it's Niamh's birthday tomorrow, but the school mummies organised it!  LOL  I think it's a mix of my birthday, and post-trial celebrations, and it involves cake, so who am I to argue!

Tomorrow, Niamh is 5 and we have a few friends over for tea for her birthday, and this week will be a bit chaotic as she has a party for her friends on Saturday (28 of them!) and then a birthday party for Si's family at nanny's house on Sunday.

More later...

Today, sat in the sun at Bedgebury, things are looking somewhat brighter.  The kids are playing in the park as I write this, and it's lovely being sat out in the sunshine. 

I had a surprise phone call last night from my Auntie Mandy - she's my step-dad's sister-in-law.  My grandad tried to rape her one evening, but my nan walked in and interrupted him.  As a result, they've distanced themselves from the family and now live in Canada.  She was full of congratulations for getting through the court case, and saying how she hopes he now rots in jail for what he did to us.  In some ways, I'm angry at her for not coming forward during the police investigation as it would have strengthened my case.  I can't keep thinking of the 'what if's' and maybe's' though - things are as they are. 

During the conversation, it came out that despite making attempts during the trial to patch things up with me, my step-dad has been over my grandad's house every day since the trial "calming them down" and "helping them sort things out".  That's made my heart sink to be honest.  I spoke to my mum about it and she think he'll be just being there for my nan (his mum), and that doesn't mean he's on his side.  I'm  not sure what to think/feel/believe.  It makes me feel even more guilty for the course of action I've taken.  It makes me worry about what the custodial sentence he's facing will do to my nan.  She's never been without him, and she's been so far in denial about his behaviour that she believes I was "temptation in his way".  Also though, I was hoping my step-dad would uphold the fact he says he believes me and that he's on my side - how can he be if he's supporting them daily, and I haven't heard a word?

Counselling yesterday was tough going.  We talked a lot through -

• about my difficulties/reluctant to talk about the abuse
• the feelings I have towards my grandad and my perception of him
• the way my family reacted to my two disclosures of abuse
• about how I'm still protecting him
• about whether or not I should have spoke out about the abuse in the first place
• about the nightmares
• about how I still don't feel safe from him
• about some aspects of the trial
• about the grooming process I went through
• about the "little girl" part of me is still stuck - the Court Case did nothing for her

It's amazing some of the links that Emily's making - I mean we have spoke about the reasons I struggle to talk about the abuse.  I had said that when I spoke to my parents about what was going on with the boy at school, everything changed rapidly.  Although, thinking about it now, maybe my family had no choice to react the way they did as the first person I told was a teacher at school - so, by the time my parents found out, wheels were already in motion.  Anyway, with Chris (the boy at school) I told them he was touching me inappropriately under the tables at school and they fought to  have him expelled and moved schools as the school's initial plan of keeping us in separate classes so I didn't have to see him failed.  They fought to protect me from him.  However, 6 months later when I told them about my grandad, and told them it was "worse than the kid at school", all hell broke loose.  Looking back now, the emphasis was on protection was put on him rather than me.  They spoke of jail and police and breaking up the family if I told anyone what happened to me.  I was told not to say anything at school because it would then be "out of their hands".  Everyone was very upset, but no-one mentioned him being the cause of the upset and chaos, or that he should have done it - I made the mess by speaking out, and I felt that if I said anything I would upset people more, potentially break up the family and get my grandad sent to jail.  I remember feeling very worried that I'd upset my grandad, so the best way to calm everyone down was to promise not to talk about it again, and I wrote my grandad a letter promising things, and telling him that I knew he didn't mean it, that I knew he didn't mean to hurt me, and that I still loved him.  Promises like I would never talk about it again, I wouldn't talk to the police, I didn't want him to go to jail and I remember apologising for speaking out and causing all this mess.  Nothing was really dealt with.  I know now that they did confront him and he admitted to abusing me but as I refused to tell them what he'd actually done to me, he never admitted to anything in particular.  Things quickly returned to normal - the only different being that I didn't have to go over to his house with the family, and I was allowed to stay in my room when he came over.  Now, I realise that this meant I was the one being excluded, not him.  My life had to absorb all the changes, whereas normality stayed for him.

Considering all of this, it's no wonder I'm still so reluctant to speak out.  It's been drummed into me that if I do, it'll spell trouble for me, my grandad and the rest of the family.  It also means breaking the promises I made to him.  (Of course, the "little" part of me is petrified because I have spoken to the police, and he is going to jail.)

Looking at how I feel about him/my perception of him - this all gets a bit complicated.  Emily thinks I still look at him as I did when I was being abused - I love him, I want to protect him and want to believe that he can't have known what he was doing, or meant to hurt me.  I can't process yet that although I know I was abused, if I look at his face in my mind, I don't want to think that he was the one who hurt me.  The court case had made me think that he did mean it, and he knew what he was doing, which is hard.  I want to believe that he was being nice to me as he wanted to have a nice relationship with me - but really, there was nothing innocent about it - he was grooming me.  He took advantage of a vulnerable child, and of the fact I had a new step-family and wanted to be liked/loved by them.  I keep trying to think about the manipulative side of the relationship to move my opinion of  him, and ease the guilt I feel for reporting him to the police, but it's hard.  Part of me really wants to believe I was special to him for the right reasons.  It's so hard to think about him in a negative light.  I think though, I need to get to the point of being upset and angry with him to show I'm reacting properly to what happened.  If I'm talking to a friend who's been abused, I can get really angry towards their abuser, but I can't feel that way about my grandad.

Trish has emailed me about my Victim Impact Statement - basically, it's something I had to write about how the abuse has affected the life of me and my family, and it's read out by my barrister at the sentencing hearing.  All I need to do is reply to say I'm happy for it to be read out, but I'm stalling.  It's scary because I've hidden behind this "I'm ok" mask for so long, but in this statement I tell them what it's really been like for the last 20 or so years, and that's a really vulnerable feeling.

Sleep is still an issue most nights - I'm going to bed late, and having disturbed sleep and nightmares due to things playing on my mind, and then it's waking me up early too.  I'm exhausted, and the weekend's over already.  I just want to curl up under a blanket with a cup of tea for a few days!  Like hibernate or something!

Thoughts/feelings/questions since the Court Case...

Don't like the fact he's facing a custodial sentence

• broken promises
• he might get hurt
• people might think badly of him
• does he hate me?
• what he did was wrong (need to try to work through this)

He lied to me

• did he love me?
• it wasn't ok
• he shouldn't have told me I had to "stand in"
• did I enjoy it?

He knew what he was doing was wrong

• he needs to take the blame
• it wasn't my fault
• he lied to me
• the Jury could see this, so could the police
• it should never had happened
• I should  have had a normal, innocent relationship
• I shouldn't have learned about sex that way 

He's a child abuser

• potential to re-offend
• a bad person?  predator?  (hard to think about)
• glad it was only me
• I wasn't special, just an easy target

Did I enjoy it?

• it wasn't ok, it was wrong
• feel bad that it was pleasurable sometimes (a natural response to what was happening to my body, but shouldn't have been happening to it)
• not fair that rape was my sex ed
• I hate that he was my first everything (kiss/touch/virginity)

Sense of accomplishment

• I got through it
• I've protected other children
• made sure the cycle has stopped
• I did it - I was the only witness to come forward, and my evidence was enough

Broken promises

• does he hate me?
• should I have said anything?
• loyalty to me/him?
• need to remember promises were broken on both sides
• promises were inappropriate/shouldn't have been necessary

No other memories of childhood except the abuse

• feels like he's stolen it away
• worried I'll never remember the nice things

Inner child issues

• feel torn
• sometimes feel I'm 9/10/11 and don't understand what's happening/want it to stop but don't want to upset him
• the little girl feels sad, lost and scared

Overwhelming

• where to start?
• what's important?
• am I over-reacting?
• will it ever go away?
• will I be normal?
• will it get worse again?
• fear of flashbacks/nightmares

It's the early hours of Tuesday morning, and I've been awake since 3am.  Not entirely sure why, but I've given up trying to sleep and thought I'd make a start on this new, now public, journal.

Last week, Friday 28th February, something phenomenal shifted in my life.  At 3.40pm, I found out that following a traumatic week in Court, a jury unanimously found my grandad guilty of a number of multiple charges of indecent assault and rape of a minor.  This drew to an end an 18-month long police investigation that consisted of lots of delays and complications.

I still feel kind of numb about the whole things.  I feel bad that he's looking at jail time (the judge said "lengthy", and our barrister reckons that could mean double figures).  He goes back on 3rd April for sentencing.  More importantly for me however, this means he'll be on the Sex Offenders Register for life.