Counselling yesterday saw a fundamental shift in a belief system I've determinedly and desperately clung on to for over 20 years.  This massive shift has been both extremely painful and incredibly disorientating.  Today, my mood has been changeable - sometimes I've felt sad, other times calm and focused, but some of the time I've felt like I'm floating, and it's almost like I'm not here at all.  I'm really struggling with these changes and it's difficult to process.

Yesterday, Emily and I started trying to change the way in which I regard my grandad, and with that, the way I feel about him.  This way I've clung on to for 20 or so years though is the way I've coped, and it's kept me sane.  The idea of changing it now is absolutely terrifying.

It all stems from the way he made me feel when the abuse was happening, and the way I felt after the disclosure to my parents about what had been going on.  What didn't help was that the emphasis on protection was placed on him rather than me by my family, so the way I dealt with it, and how I felt was strongly affected by that.

For years, I've clung to beliefs that he didn't mean to hurt me, and that he didn't know what he was doing was wrong.  As for our relationship, everything started at a time where new family bonds were forming, and I desperately wanted to be liked/loved by my new grandparents.  I loved him dearly, and for years he seemed to be the focus of my childhood as he made me feel special and wanted.  I believed he was touching me as I was his special girl and loved me perhaps more than the other children in the family.  I believed his every word - when he told me he was hugging, kissing, touching me and even having sex because he loved and and I was his "good girl" and "special".  I believed I was in a normal relationship and that what was happening was normal behaviour - to the extent that I couldn't understand why others weren't doing the same things, and thinking that they didn't really love me.