Well yesterday's session was a bit of a nightmare and today's not been much better.  At the session, we talked about last week's freak out - he thinks it's a good thing.  Andy seemed to be saying that it's because I trust him more, and could be getting ready to open up more.  I don't know.  It scared the hell out of me.  The prospect of one happening again is scary.  After that, we talked about my stumbling blocks about talking about everything.  As I couldn't bring myself to bring my journal entry out my bag, we had a bit of a jumbled session - talking about how my psyche works, and what I need to feel safe.  When that didn't work, we started creating a metaphorical story about what I am now, and what I want to be at the end of my journey.  I spoke about being "a mouse living in a hole in a tree" now, using words like alone, timid, hiding from everything; at the end of my journey I want to be "living in a field with friends in the sun", and then using words like happy, sociable and warm.  At the end of the session I went to the loo, and took the entry out of my bag, and asked the receptionist if I could go back in.  Anyway, as I was stood in the waiting room debating, Andy came out of his room - he's good at reading me - all he did was ask me if I was ok, and all I could do was shake my head.  I said I needed to give him something.  He invited me back into his room, and I explained about the piece of paper - I said it's been in my bag all session, but I was too scared to give it to him.  I said that if I took it home, it wouldn't resurface.  He said he'd keep it safe for next week and that he was proud of me for giving it to him.  Today though, I've worried if I've said too much in the entry.  I'm scared if he's read it already and, if he has, what he thinks of me now.  I'm also scared that, if he reads it in front of me next week, I have to watch his reaction.  I'm not sure what scares me most to be honest.  I know I have to start somewhere, and to try to discuss the stumbling blocks makes sense.

Today though, I'm really struggling to hold things together.  Everything that happens makes me want to burst into tears.  I feel like I'm losing control of everything.  I'm struggling to keep it all together.  I'm not sure why I'm feeling like this.  I don't know what to do about it.  I'm hoping some wine and destressing after the kids are in bed will help - Niamh has been a nightmare today.

Ok, now I'm stressing about sharing too much.  What can I handle?  Where should I start?  What do I want to talk about?  What is ok?  Ok for who?  Me?  Grandad?  Andy?  Who do I need to worry about most?  What if I freak out again?  What does he think of me for freaking out last week?  Will it be awkward?  Will he bring it up at all?  Should I bring it up?  Should that be the starting point?  I mean, it'll be really hard, but maybe it's the best thing to address?  Then I can talk through my worries about it, and maybe a bit about what I saw and felt.  It means opening up big time, but it makes sense.  I think I'm really worries about freaking out again or going fully into a flashback.  Well, at least that's decided.

I've been having more bad dreams.  I can tell they're about him, but can't remember details.  I don't feel rested and I feel edgy and panicked all day.  I'm sick of feeling tired all the time.  I was in bed at 10pm last night, and tonight I've been falling asleep on the sofa since 6.30pm.  I'll be going to bed at 7.30pm when I've put Dylan to bed. 

I think I really need to start talking to Andy in more detail tomorrow, but how?  and, about what?  I was thinking about writing some stuff down to discuss, but I don't know what "stuff" I should start with.  As soon as I even start to think about talking, I can see his face in my head, and I know I promised that I would tell.  I remember the letter I wrote saying that I knew he didn't mean it and that he didn't really hurt me.  I said I didn't want him to do to jail.  I told him that I loved him.  I said I'd never talk about it again.  I made so many promises, and now I'm breaking them.  Some of the stuff we've been talking about means I'm questioning some of the things in the letter, and it's hard.  It makes me feel really uncomfortable. 

I also worry about Andy's opinion of him, and of me.  I get confused because it didn't always hurt.  Sometimes he was gentle and maybe I liked it.  He made me feel special and loved.  Now I'm being told that what he did was wrong, so where does that leave me in all of this?  What does it make me for enjoying bits of it?  It makes me feel sick inside.  It makes me feel dirty and unclean and tainted.  It makes me not trust my own body's reactions incase I find out later that my body's betrayed me again.  It's a horribly unsettling feeling. 


As for opinions of him, I'm not even sure how to feel anymore.  It's so hard.  I genuinely think of two separate people - and abuse, and my grandad.  Are they even linked?  What does it mean to me to believe that he's an abuser?  Surely that means he has to have done something wrong - to have purposefully hurt me?  Do I believe that?  I don't think so.  It's so complicated.  Sometimes I think he must've meant it, but other times I'm so adamant that he didn't.  I go in circles.

I completely freaked out in therapy today.  I feel so ashamed and embarrassed, that I can't put it into words.  Everything started out so well - I was feeling apprehensive about EMDR when I went into the session, but I was happy and positive.  We talked and laughed about LARP while I tried to explain without making myself sound too crazy.  Then we tried a bit of EMDR around my tongue surgery.  All was fine for the first couple of goes, but when I started to feel a bit of panic - and I wasn't sure whether it was from the op, or from before.  We tried to work with the slight panic, but it rapidly escalated to me freaking out - I couldn't breathe, or speak.  I answered by nodding/shaking my head only.  He kept telling me I was safe here, that I was safe with him - I think that made it worse.  I couldn't even move.  When I felt able to move, I sat in the chair nearest the door, and, in fairness, he moved his chair as far as he could from me.  He tried talking me through some breathing exercises, but the only thing that helped was time.  When I was calmer, I told him how embarrassed I felt; he said that he was sorry I felt that way and that there was no reason to feel embarrassed.  He thinks I freaked out because rather than letting myself feel the stuff that comes out of EMDR, I'm trying so hard to repress it.  He said he's starting to realise how scary all of this is for me.  I can't really make much sense of this.  I don't really know what sent me spiralling so fast and far.  He told me to take time for me and try to work on staying calm.  It doesn't really make any sense.  I remember feeling comforted by Andy's voice, but the stuff he was saying I didn't know - it didn't help me from the frozen panic state I was in.  When I was in the further away chair it did help, but I really wanted to be sat on the floor hid in a corner.  To be honest, the only thing that stopped me was the fact I was worried what Andy would think of me if I did.  He keeps telling me that he won't think any less of me, no matter what I tell him, but I struggle to believe him.  How can he say that when he doesn't know what I'm going to say?  Saying that though, I have told him that my recurrent flashback is of him raping me the first time, so he knows that already.  He kept asking me questions today while I was freaking out - if I wanted to cry, if I wanted to shout; I couldn't do anything.  I guess I'm worried I'm not normal.  Andy said I seem to have distanced my emotions and memories from each other.  Maybe he was trying to tell me that me freaking out today was a result of me trying to stop them from merging.  Could the EMDR have made something surface, and this be my frantic reaction to it?  Who knows.  Am I trying to read too much into everything as usual?  Probably.