Well yesterday's session was a bit of a nightmare and today's not been much better.  At the session, we talked about last week's freak out - he thinks it's a good thing.  Andy seemed to be saying that it's because I trust him more, and could be getting ready to open up more.  I don't know.  It scared the hell out of me.  The prospect of one happening again is scary.  After that, we talked about my stumbling blocks about talking about everything.  As I couldn't bring myself to bring my journal entry out my bag, we had a bit of a jumbled session - talking about how my psyche works, and what I need to feel safe.  When that didn't work, we started creating a metaphorical story about what I am now, and what I want to be at the end of my journey.  I spoke about being "a mouse living in a hole in a tree" now, using words like alone, timid, hiding from everything; at the end of my journey I want to be "living in a field with friends in the sun", and then using words like happy, sociable and warm.  At the end of the session I went to the loo, and took the entry out of my bag, and asked the receptionist if I could go back in.  Anyway, as I was stood in the waiting room debating, Andy came out of his room - he's good at reading me - all he did was ask me if I was ok, and all I could do was shake my head.  I said I needed to give him something.  He invited me back into his room, and I explained about the piece of paper - I said it's been in my bag all session, but I was too scared to give it to him.  I said that if I took it home, it wouldn't resurface.  He said he'd keep it safe for next week and that he was proud of me for giving it to him.  Today though, I've worried if I've said too much in the entry.  I'm scared if he's read it already and, if he has, what he thinks of me now.  I'm also scared that, if he reads it in front of me next week, I have to watch his reaction.  I'm not sure what scares me most to be honest.  I know I have to start somewhere, and to try to discuss the stumbling blocks makes sense.

Today though, I'm really struggling to hold things together.  Everything that happens makes me want to burst into tears.  I feel like I'm losing control of everything.  I'm struggling to keep it all together.  I'm not sure why I'm feeling like this.  I don't know what to do about it.  I'm hoping some wine and destressing after the kids are in bed will help - Niamh has been a nightmare today.