On a blog I follow...

Let it out

I know you have been broken

and carry a million different

painful memories inside

You have been wounded:

ever since you were a little child

you have wanted to run and hide

The monsters are gone now

but you are still needing to feel

you have that enormous safety net

Only the demon spirits of the yesterdays are continuing to attack you and wont let you forget

You have all of your needed weapons

and they are so buried deep down

inside of your being

They can assist you

in the removal of all of those flashbacks that you have to keep on seeing I am so sorry that you have had to go through that stuff when you were just a child so small But I know that you are so special and you have come out of it all so much better than them all

So, now, if you are needing to be alone

and have the need to let out all

of those stored up tears

Do so now, my dear one and know that

that outpouring will be so much healing

for all of those painful years

You will be rejuvenated and re-elevated

by those flowing rivers

from deep down inside of you

Let out all of those heartaches,

those memories and those broken pieces

that keep on peeking through..

An couple of interesting FF quotes have made me think -

"But you can't keep dividing his good side from his violent side.  He is one person, isn't he?" and "For your health, you need to work on viewing him as one person.  There's no James that's all good.  That James doesn't exist.  He's not real.  You need to move forward from him, leave him behind."

Also, "There are some rapists who, through distorted thought, believe the woman could enjoy it."

Finally, "It wouldn't be out of the question to suggest that you've been grieving.  Grieving for the James that you remembered and cared for, because he's gone and he's never coming back.  Denial, anger, depression: they're all part of the grieving process. Being honest with your thoughts will help you come to terms, come into acceptance.  And that is okay."

I can't go into reasons now, but will later...

Counselling this week was intense.  I managed to write out all the littles I'm aware of at the moment.  Titch wouldn't let me name her though, so I only put her age...  and, some of them I don't know their names, only their ages.

13 - Titch - hates me for speaking out about the abuse, both as a child and as an adult
10 - ??  - always scared and anxious
9 - Clairabelle - the happy, content part who loves it when I'm working with preschoolers, or playing with my kids
7 - seems shy, hasn't been around much
?? - rabbit hutch

We spoke quite a lot about Clairabelle, or should I say - Belle - as she shortened her name as it was too long.  We spoke about how she seems to be in her own little bubble, and she wonders as her and the anxious/scared little are so close in age, that I kind of split to be able to cope.  Perhaps I went into the mindscape of Belle to keep me sane while the abuse was happening - she almost seems happy to the point of total oblivion/denial, and the fear/anxiety surrounding what was going on got completely buried.  Problem is, I feel bad about the fact I may have to burst Belle's bubble to bring her on, and to work with her properly...  it makes me feel guilty, and I really don't want to!!

Also, when thinking about Titch - it's the same, I have to get through to her to balance her world too, but don't know how.

My counsellor has made me realise that I need to do things slowly though - she says it shouldn't be too intense to the point of me not being able to function in the real world.  I know she's right, but I want to help them!!

Counselling has been switched to a different day to try and ease the time it takes me to get home - before, coming home from Croydon at 4pm was taking me till 5.30pm some days!  So today, we're trying Erith at 2pm to see if that's better.  Hopefully, I'll make the school run with 10 mins to spare!!

Last night was odd, and I was feeling chaotic and very anxious.  I couldn't even describe the feeling as they were too fast, and too intense.  Holly talked me through some breathing exercises which helped calm me a little, but I had to drink a herbal sleepytime tea to get some sleep.  Si says I was disturbed a lot in the night, and he spent a lot of time soothing me back to sleep, but I don't remember.  I don't feel like I slept really, and of course, he's shattered too.

I've been thinking, and out of all my littles, I like it when Belle's around as she's fun, and innocent, and loves playing with the kids - which I can do at work.  That makes her feel happy, which leaves me happy too.  It's not that I don't like the others, it's just that some of them are harder to work with, or leave me feeling sad and/or blue.

Wow - I didn't realise it's been so long since I last posted!  Over a month.

Things have been really, really hectic.

Work has been busy - I've got some new key children, which are keeping me on my toes.  They're lovely, but more two-year old mean extra work!

I'm booked to have my tonsils out on 12th November...  I've had yet more tonsillitis and the NHS tried to give me the run around about dates, so I ended up going private.  I'm basically housebound for 2 weeks afterwards - I'm not allowed to mix with people because of the risk of infection.

I've also seen a consultant about my hip - I've had an MRI which seems to show a line at the top of the cement of my socket joint, which probably means the cement is coming loose...  I'm waiting for a bone scan to confirm, but it looks like the socket joint will need to be replaced.  Thankfully, the other part of the joint - the bit that goes into my femur - looks sound, so unless it looks like it needs replacing when they operate, they'll leave it alone.  It'll still mean around a week in hospital, 8 weeks on crutches and 3 months off work.  Then add on more physio time on top, and it's a long process.  I'm hoping I can leave it till the new year, but the risk is if it's dislocates completely, it'll need replacing immediately.

Counselling is going well.  A new little showed itself the other day.  It seems to be the one holding onto all the fear, pain and anxiety surrounding the abuse.  It's the one that was scared of him, and scared of him hurting us.  I wasn't really aware of them, just an increase in anxiety at bedtime...  but s/he suddenly started talking to Oya.  I think they spoke to Oya for about 15 mins, and I was left feeling quite disorientated afterwards.  I knew one of them were going to come forwards as I was feeling very fuzzy and floaty all session.

Titch has been very quiet.  Belle is liking all the craft stuff at preschool, and me getting messy with the little ones.  This new one is worrying me - I really thought I wasn't scared of him, or the abuse, but Oya thinks this little may have dealt with it all so I could cope.  How much does that mean s/he's holding on to?  That's a scary thought.

I have a night of writing EYFS profiles for my key children tonight - woohoo!!