Well yesterday's session was a bit of a nightmare and today's not been much better.  At the session, we talked about last week's freak out - he thinks it's a good thing.  Andy seemed to be saying that it's because I trust him more, and could be getting ready to open up more.  I don't know.  It scared the hell out of me.  The prospect of one happening again is scary.  After that, we talked about my stumbling blocks about talking about everything.  As I couldn't bring myself to bring my journal entry out my bag, we had a bit of a jumbled session - talking about how my psyche works, and what I need to feel safe.  When that didn't work, we started creating a metaphorical story about what I am now, and what I want to be at the end of my journey.  I spoke about being "a mouse living in a hole in a tree" now, using words like alone, timid, hiding from everything; at the end of my journey I want to be "living in a field with friends in the sun", and then using words like happy, sociable and warm.  At the end of the session I went to the loo, and took the entry out of my bag, and asked the receptionist if I could go back in.  Anyway, as I was stood in the waiting room debating, Andy came out of his room - he's good at reading me - all he did was ask me if I was ok, and all I could do was shake my head.  I said I needed to give him something.  He invited me back into his room, and I explained about the piece of paper - I said it's been in my bag all session, but I was too scared to give it to him.  I said that if I took it home, it wouldn't resurface.  He said he'd keep it safe for next week and that he was proud of me for giving it to him.  Today though, I've worried if I've said too much in the entry.  I'm scared if he's read it already and, if he has, what he thinks of me now.  I'm also scared that, if he reads it in front of me next week, I have to watch his reaction.  I'm not sure what scares me most to be honest.  I know I have to start somewhere, and to try to discuss the stumbling blocks makes sense.

Today though, I'm really struggling to hold things together.  Everything that happens makes me want to burst into tears.  I feel like I'm losing control of everything.  I'm struggling to keep it all together.  I'm not sure why I'm feeling like this.  I don't know what to do about it.  I'm hoping some wine and destressing after the kids are in bed will help - Niamh has been a nightmare today.

Ok, now I'm stressing about sharing too much.  What can I handle?  Where should I start?  What do I want to talk about?  What is ok?  Ok for who?  Me?  Grandad?  Andy?  Who do I need to worry about most?  What if I freak out again?  What does he think of me for freaking out last week?  Will it be awkward?  Will he bring it up at all?  Should I bring it up?  Should that be the starting point?  I mean, it'll be really hard, but maybe it's the best thing to address?  Then I can talk through my worries about it, and maybe a bit about what I saw and felt.  It means opening up big time, but it makes sense.  I think I'm really worries about freaking out again or going fully into a flashback.  Well, at least that's decided.

I've been having more bad dreams.  I can tell they're about him, but can't remember details.  I don't feel rested and I feel edgy and panicked all day.  I'm sick of feeling tired all the time.  I was in bed at 10pm last night, and tonight I've been falling asleep on the sofa since 6.30pm.  I'll be going to bed at 7.30pm when I've put Dylan to bed. 

I think I really need to start talking to Andy in more detail tomorrow, but how?  and, about what?  I was thinking about writing some stuff down to discuss, but I don't know what "stuff" I should start with.  As soon as I even start to think about talking, I can see his face in my head, and I know I promised that I would tell.  I remember the letter I wrote saying that I knew he didn't mean it and that he didn't really hurt me.  I said I didn't want him to do to jail.  I told him that I loved him.  I said I'd never talk about it again.  I made so many promises, and now I'm breaking them.  Some of the stuff we've been talking about means I'm questioning some of the things in the letter, and it's hard.  It makes me feel really uncomfortable. 

I also worry about Andy's opinion of him, and of me.  I get confused because it didn't always hurt.  Sometimes he was gentle and maybe I liked it.  He made me feel special and loved.  Now I'm being told that what he did was wrong, so where does that leave me in all of this?  What does it make me for enjoying bits of it?  It makes me feel sick inside.  It makes me feel dirty and unclean and tainted.  It makes me not trust my own body's reactions incase I find out later that my body's betrayed me again.  It's a horribly unsettling feeling. 


As for opinions of him, I'm not even sure how to feel anymore.  It's so hard.  I genuinely think of two separate people - and abuse, and my grandad.  Are they even linked?  What does it mean to me to believe that he's an abuser?  Surely that means he has to have done something wrong - to have purposefully hurt me?  Do I believe that?  I don't think so.  It's so complicated.  Sometimes I think he must've meant it, but other times I'm so adamant that he didn't.  I go in circles.

I completely freaked out in therapy today.  I feel so ashamed and embarrassed, that I can't put it into words.  Everything started out so well - I was feeling apprehensive about EMDR when I went into the session, but I was happy and positive.  We talked and laughed about LARP while I tried to explain without making myself sound too crazy.  Then we tried a bit of EMDR around my tongue surgery.  All was fine for the first couple of goes, but when I started to feel a bit of panic - and I wasn't sure whether it was from the op, or from before.  We tried to work with the slight panic, but it rapidly escalated to me freaking out - I couldn't breathe, or speak.  I answered by nodding/shaking my head only.  He kept telling me I was safe here, that I was safe with him - I think that made it worse.  I couldn't even move.  When I felt able to move, I sat in the chair nearest the door, and, in fairness, he moved his chair as far as he could from me.  He tried talking me through some breathing exercises, but the only thing that helped was time.  When I was calmer, I told him how embarrassed I felt; he said that he was sorry I felt that way and that there was no reason to feel embarrassed.  He thinks I freaked out because rather than letting myself feel the stuff that comes out of EMDR, I'm trying so hard to repress it.  He said he's starting to realise how scary all of this is for me.  I can't really make much sense of this.  I don't really know what sent me spiralling so fast and far.  He told me to take time for me and try to work on staying calm.  It doesn't really make any sense.  I remember feeling comforted by Andy's voice, but the stuff he was saying I didn't know - it didn't help me from the frozen panic state I was in.  When I was in the further away chair it did help, but I really wanted to be sat on the floor hid in a corner.  To be honest, the only thing that stopped me was the fact I was worried what Andy would think of me if I did.  He keeps telling me that he won't think any less of me, no matter what I tell him, but I struggle to believe him.  How can he say that when he doesn't know what I'm going to say?  Saying that though, I have told him that my recurrent flashback is of him raping me the first time, so he knows that already.  He kept asking me questions today while I was freaking out - if I wanted to cry, if I wanted to shout; I couldn't do anything.  I guess I'm worried I'm not normal.  Andy said I seem to have distanced my emotions and memories from each other.  Maybe he was trying to tell me that me freaking out today was a result of me trying to stop them from merging.  Could the EMDR have made something surface, and this be my frantic reaction to it?  Who knows.  Am I trying to read too much into everything as usual?  Probably.

Toughest session so far I think today.  I spent a lot of it in silence, most in one flashback or another struggling to vocalise anything at all.  We spoke about safety, and I realised I haven't felt totally safe in quite a long time.  I admitted I didn't feel completely safe with him and Andy told me I was very brave for still going.  I said  I'm worried about getting lost in a flashback during an EMDR session, so we didn't start this week.  I've come to realise that I'm  not sure which part of the abuse is worse - what he did, or what he said - I mean, they both need working through, but the  stuff he said is what makes me ashamed and embarassed, and what makes me keep my mouth shut.  We spoke about crying - he said that sometimes I look like I need a good cry.  I don't do crying - too scared of not being able to stop.  He's tried to reassure me that that doesn't happen, and I'll find the release helpful - but I'm not so sure.  He said he thinks part of my unconscious is still stuck as a child - the part that wants to believe everything he said and did was ok.  We talked about how she needs taking care of now.  We didn't really talk about how or when or anything.  Andy was asking me what I was seeing/hearing while having flashbacks - whether it was just one image, or voices - I couldn't get the words out of my mouth.  Part of me knows that if I can just tell him a couple of things, the rest will come easier.  The problem is just starting that bit of conversation.

I forgot a couple of things.  Firstly, he asked me if it was part, or the whole, of me that felt I was betraying my grandad by speaking out.  He commented that it was a childlike view to hold.  We spoke about anger - Andy commented that through everything we'd discussed, I hadn't mentioned feeling angry towards my abuser, or for what he did.  I don't.  I still feel he didn't mean it.  Thinking about it though, anger scares me.  I don't like anger.  I worry about anger not being controlled.  Maybe that's something to do with it.

Today's session was a tough one.  After my tongue surgery yesterday, and given the fact I'm on edge at the moment too, I'm feeling pretty fragile right now.  The surgery triggered me, and today we worked out some of the reasons.

-  I had to stay still lying down
-  I had to keep my mouth open
-  pressure on my tongue
-  jaw ache
-  not being able to ask them to stop (I know if I did, it would only prolong the procedure)

It was useful to talk everything through.  I had a really hard time staying present in the chair during the procedure.  I started freaking out at one point - shaking uncontrollably and starting to hyperventilate - but they stopped and helped my calm down so they could put the stitches in.  Maybe I should've signalled when I started to panic, but I couldn't. Thankfully, the doctor noticed - she stopped, and just put her hand on my shoulder while slowly talking to me.

In therapy today we also talked about
- my previous marriage
- whether or not I want to prosecute at some stage - I said that I already feel like I'm betraying him, and I don't want to hurt him; also that I don't like it when people feel badly of him
- whether or not to confront my mum - I'm fairly sure he hurt her before, or during my abuse - so how did she not suspect?  Why didn't she ask?  Why didn't she protect me?
- he keeps telling me how strong I am, but I don't think so
- I don't know how I can work through things so he doesn't have power over me anymore if I don't believe he did anything wrong, but I don't know how to change that perception.

Flashbacks have been stronger since yesterday and it's harder to stay present and grounded.  I started drifting into them towards the end of therapy yesterday.  Andy noticed.  He asked me what was happening, but I just froze - I was too scared to tell him yet.  He asked about getting up and moving around, but I was in another flashback by then.  We're going to try EMDR next week, but we'll see how it goes.  He commented on my behaviour during a flashback - like I just seem to be lost and vacant.  At the moment, I feel him over me, kissing me - his tongue in my mouth, suffocating me - it's horrible.

Another session with Andy yesterday.  It left me feeling exhausted.  I was surprised how blunt he was about certain things - my last therapist was never so outspoken against anything, but Andy's different.  I felt like yelling at him at one point yesterday.  I did tell him that at least.  He said that my grandad was manipulative, and I nearly lost it - I wanted to tell him that he was wrong, and that wasn't how it was.  We spoke about how old I was when it started, and how long it went on for, and why I didn't tell sooner - basically, he  never said I couldn't tell anyone as such - but I never realised it shouldn't be happening.  I remember wondering why other family members weren't touching me too - he said it was because I was special and because he loved me - well, why didn't they feel that way about me too?  I remember feeling unwanted and rejected when the abuse stopped - like I did a bad thing tell, and he didn't love me anymore.  Andy also said that when I told my family about the abuse they all colluded against me to keep me quiet - so I wouldn't break up the family.  He said that pressure was unfairly left to rest on my shoulders.  It's so hard to work all this through - it means thinking badly of my family and my grandad for their part in all of this, and I'm not sure if I can.

I've been really panicky today and reluctant to go out.  I'm not even sure why.  I don't feel safe at the moment.  I'm on edge and scared all the time.  I just want to run away and hide for a while.  The kids are driving me crazy and me & Si keep fighting - it's horrible.

Well, it was my first therapy session with Andy yesterday.  I have to admit I was very apprehensive with Dr Broadhead suggest a male therapist, but after meeting him yesterday, I'm pleasantly surprised.  It wasn't like I felt completely comfortable with him, but it was only out first meeting.  We talked in general terms about some of my issues, and he seemed to be able to read me really well - whether from body language, previous experience, or whatever - I don't really care.  I just felt that he "got it".  I'm feeling very spaced and overwhelmed today, and I don't like it.  It's like everything's too much.  Oh, and I'm SO tired.

Vulnerable
Anticipation

It's like,  now I can imagine sharing stuff with him, everything's a little scary.