I've been having more bad dreams.  I can tell they're about him, but can't remember details.  I don't feel rested and I feel edgy and panicked all day.  I'm sick of feeling tired all the time.  I was in bed at 10pm last night, and tonight I've been falling asleep on the sofa since 6.30pm.  I'll be going to bed at 7.30pm when I've put Dylan to bed. 

I think I really need to start talking to Andy in more detail tomorrow, but how?  and, about what?  I was thinking about writing some stuff down to discuss, but I don't know what "stuff" I should start with.  As soon as I even start to think about talking, I can see his face in my head, and I know I promised that I would tell.  I remember the letter I wrote saying that I knew he didn't mean it and that he didn't really hurt me.  I said I didn't want him to do to jail.  I told him that I loved him.  I said I'd never talk about it again.  I made so many promises, and now I'm breaking them.  Some of the stuff we've been talking about means I'm questioning some of the things in the letter, and it's hard.  It makes me feel really uncomfortable. 

I also worry about Andy's opinion of him, and of me.  I get confused because it didn't always hurt.  Sometimes he was gentle and maybe I liked it.  He made me feel special and loved.  Now I'm being told that what he did was wrong, so where does that leave me in all of this?  What does it make me for enjoying bits of it?  It makes me feel sick inside.  It makes me feel dirty and unclean and tainted.  It makes me not trust my own body's reactions incase I find out later that my body's betrayed me again.  It's a horribly unsettling feeling. 


As for opinions of him, I'm not even sure how to feel anymore.  It's so hard.  I genuinely think of two separate people - and abuse, and my grandad.  Are they even linked?  What does it mean to me to believe that he's an abuser?  Surely that means he has to have done something wrong - to have purposefully hurt me?  Do I believe that?  I don't think so.  It's so complicated.  Sometimes I think he must've meant it, but other times I'm so adamant that he didn't.  I go in circles.