So, I saw my GP on Monday.  She's referring me NHS-ward for a new psychiatrist...  but after my last experience, I'm not holding out much hope about how much help they'll be.  She's also referring me to the practice counsellors, and they only have a 2 week wait.  She said they can see me for only 6 sessions, but they're usually every 2 weeks...  so that'd last me 3 months.  That takes me up till after his Plea Hearing, and hopefully until I'll have a new court date.  I then have 3 sessions left with Andy, which will be two just before the trial, and one after.... then hopefully, it won't be too long until the RASACC sessions come up.

I'm so cross!  It's been 3 weeks since we put in a "complaint", although apparently, it doesn't count as a complaint only a "request" about moving dates of the trial forward, and if possible changing the location back to Winchester...  well, I haven't heard anything, and chasing it today I'm told it's not likely to be dealt with until the Plea Hearing...  wonderful, that just gives his barrister yet another month to fill his diary.  What the fuck is up with our justice system?  I  get the feeling no-one really cares what the victim goes through - surely what I've been through already is enough, without dragging it out and dragging it out now??  I mean, it's already 10 months since I made the complaint, and there's possibly another 5 until the trial.  It's agony.  It's maddening, infuriating, and damn well demoralising and upsetting.  Who's the one being punished here??

So, I haven't wrote anything for a little while.

Things have been a bit scary.

I've been really low, to the point I had to drag myself to the Dr last week.  As my usual GP is on maternity leave, I saw a lovely Dr, and she was very sympathetic.  She had two requests - go back to see Jeremy Broadhead, and contact Croydon Rape & Abuse Crisis Centre.

I spoke to a lady called Laura who runs the counselling service at the centre, and she seemed nice enough.  It was awkward answering questions over the phone, and it wasn't particularly easy, but as I didn't need to go into too much detail, I got through it.  She's explained that she'll post a form out, and when I've returned it I'll go in for a one-to-one with her, and then there's a 6-month waiting list for counselling.  Damn.  I knew they'd be a waiting list, but I really wanted some extra support to start before the trial.

I then spoke to my insurance company, who have said there's been an exclusion put on my policy for PTSD and anxiety related conditions.  Wonderful.  So, I can't see my psychiatrist or therapist through them any more.  Feeling a little abandoned right now.  That rug has been pulled out from under me.  I have three pre-authorised sessions left with Andy, which I'm saving for just before, and just after, the trial.  It means I need to talk to my Dr again, and ask for a referral the NHS way...  which doesn't fill me with confidence.  Last time I saw an NHS psychiatrist, I told them I was suicidal, and they replied by saying that I was "stable", and they'd see me again in 6 weeks, and would get a care co-ordinator to get in touch, which never happened.  I guess, in that time though, things have moved on a long way...  I now know I'm NOT bipolar, which was their diagnosis.  I know what drugs work for me, it's just going to be a fight to get the support I need.

I also had a call from Andy Flack today, and he's told me the CPS want him to be a witness in the case.  I'm not sure yet whether this is a good or bad thing.  I mean, it's one thing for them to be reading a few written notes, but to have him talking about me, and what I've been through, and all the stuff we've talked about - it's like I'm feeling naked.  Also, what does he think of me?  I mean, does he think I've over-exaggerated anything?  I know I shouldn't doubt him, as he's really been wonderful, but this stupid voice in my head is nagging me now.

I just don't feel like I'm coping very well.  It's like I'm constantly feeling right on the edge of my limit, and if anything else happens, everything's going to fall apart.  I'm tearful, getting upset and agitated over the slightest things, and I don't like being on my own again.  I don't particularly feel like eating, and sleep is something I could take or leave, although I'm tired ALL the time.  I just don't have any drive.  I need to try to snap out of this or something.

I asked my Dr not to up my meds, but had to agree to see Dr Broadhead.  Now, as I can't see him again, I'm not sure what's going to happen.  I really hoped I could be lessening my meds soon, not having to rely on them even more.  I feel like I'm failing.  I've been fighting for so long, and I'm just knackered.