Ok, so I didn't tell my sister.  I couldn't bring myself to do it yet.  Maybe I will when I take the kids down to her on Thursday.  Not sure yet.

Dreading my last therapy session with Emily tomorrow.  We've done so much good work together, and we have a really good relationship.  I feel totally safe with her, and I'm worried I won't find that again.  I know I need to give the next one a chance, but it's hard.  She'll have a name for me tomorrow of the next counsellor, and I was offered to meet her, but I've said no as I don't want to detract from my last session with Emily.

Titch still isn't around.  I don't know what to do about that.  Clairabelle is loving the holiday fun - we've been to Chatham Docks, and Old MacDonald's Farm this week.

Sleep is becoming an issue though - I'm either not able to sleep, or am waking up around 3-4am and not being able to get back to sleep.  Not sure why.  Will just keep an eye on it for now.

Since I wrote my last entry, Titch took control and both parked the car and bought stuff in Hobbycraft...  I knew nothing about it until I "came to" with a bag in my hand, with absolutely no idea where the car was.  She'd bought some craft stuff to make bracelets, so it's nothing major, but it's a first for me.  Weirdly too, just after I'd told Emily I had control over them.  Maybe she was just doing it to prove that she could?  I don't know.  She's been hiding ever since though - I haven't heard her at all.  Emily tried to reassure me last session, but I'm not sure.

Last session was good.  We spoke about Titch coming out properly, and about how much the littles inside me are enjoying the holidays.  Since that session, we've been to the park, the beach and to a friend's little boy's birthday party, so we've had a lot of fun.  The beach was my idea as I had an urge to make sandcastles, so it was arranged with friends on the spur of the moment, but it was great.

I'm trying to pluck up the courage to tell my sister, and a couple of my closest friends about the fact I'm DID.  The whole thing about being thought that I'm crazy is a huge stumbling block - and I don't know how to explain the whole 'littles' thing without sounding insane!!

Vicky's here at the moment, and we're about to go out so the kids can bounce at the local pub on their bouncy castles while we chat...  I'm hoping to be able to explain it, but it's not easy.  I've got Jack (my nephew) till Thursday while she's working, and the last thing I want is for her to think he's not safe.  I mean, I've been living like this for years, but just without an awareness of what 'this' is.

So, triggered tonight by a post of Facebook by a stupid quiz that can "guess the age you lost your virginity".  My first thought?  I wish I'd been able to choose for myself... mine was stolen before I even realised how precious it was.

For this one, my 13 year old wants old... well, Clairabelle does too, but all I think she wants to say it is that it hurt.  Titch is confused, maybe I'll just let her take over.

I don't understand. I don't know what to do. I told and everyone got upset. When I saw the film at school, it said that we shouldn't do that stuff till we're older, but grandad's already done most of it. It said we shouldn't let people touch our private parts as it's wrong, and bad. Now I feel bad.  I don't want people to think I'm bad.  I didn't mean it.  It was nice sometimes and sometimes it hurt but I didn't want to make him sad.  Now he's sad.  Now I'm sad.  Some of the girls at school talk about boys and sex, but don't they know it burns?  Don't they know it hurts inside?   I can't tell them though.  I said I wouldn't. I said I'd be quiet so he doesn't go to prison.  Prison is a bad place for bad people, and he's not a bad man. He loves me.

We're cross with big for talking.  We're cross with big for making him go to the bad place.  He's not safe now. We don't know why she talked.  She promised. She said she'd be quiet so it would be ok but it's not. Nothin is ok now.  Everything is wrong. We r hurting and he is hurting too.  Maybe he's mad with us.  We didn't want to make him cross.  We're special.  He told us that.  Why did she lie?  Lying is bad.  Everyone will be sad now too.  Maybe they get cross again.  We like what he did.  I like the cuddles and the soft strokes.  I like the warm bed.  He says sorry when he hurts us.  We r sad we don't see him now.

Ok, a bit fuzzy, but it's weird - it's like I'm aware of what they're saying, but have no desire to take over.  I don't think Titch was the only one there - I suspect the second bit was Clairabelle.  I don't know why she calls me 'big' though... Will have to ask Emily about it.

Feeling unsettled today.  It was the adoption celebration for Dylan at the Court, which means a year old process is at it's end, and my horrid ex is definitely out of our lives for good.  It's a real relief, and such a weight off.  We've bought Dylan a neck-chain as a memorial of the day, and we went out for lunch at Frankie & Benny's (his choice).

On the way back home (we had to pop home to grab the kids' school reports before F&Bs), we started talking about our recent ponderings about getting a loft conversion...  and it boils down to the fact that Si's saying we can't afford to do both the loft conversion, and the holiday to Disneyland I was planning with half of the compensation money I got from the Courts.  This has riled me a bit because I gave him the £20k to put in the savings with a view to use half of it for Disney, and now he's saying there has to be a big discussion about deciding what to do with it.  I'm cross, because that money's supposed to be to make good memories with, not to put all of it towards a stupid loft conversion.  If it wasn't for what I went through, we wouldn't have that money, so I kind of feel I should be able to have a large say over what to do with it.  He's basically saying we shouldn't have 'my money' and 'his money', and I do agree about that, but can't help feeling it's a bit different with this compensation money...  and it's not like I want to put ALL of it towards a holiday, but half...  the other half can fund probably 1/3 of the loft conversion - I don't care about that, but I'd like to fund a holiday to Disneyland for the family with the other £10k of it.  Am I being selfish?  I don't know, but it's upset me...

It's put a bit of a shadow on the day to be honest.

And now, it's 2.50pm and we're home, and I'm stuck as to what to do.  I feel like being crafty - like colouring, or loom bands...  I feel the little voice (not sure which one though - maybe the 13 year old, Titch?) needing to be soothed by it as she doesn't like the adult me feeling like this.  She wants to smooth everything over, and not cause a fuss.

So...  very positive counselling session today.

We made some plans about me moving over to a new counsellor.  She took down my availability, and assured me that I can stay in the room I'm currently in (the blue room).  We're also looking at me taking the summer holidays off, and restarting in September - which will be easier for childcare purposes.  I feel a bit more in control.

We spoke today about the fact I feel it may have been the 13 year old present last week, rather than my adult self being totally in control.  The abandonment issues would have been worse for her when the abuse stopped, and we think it maybe triggered something for her, and so the panic and upset were for her to get her feelings known - something that's never happened before.

I don't think I put it on here before, but a couple of the little voices now have names - the 9 year old's called Clairabelle (which is a nickname my sister used to call me, well, actually, she still does), and the 13 year old's called Titch (which is a nickname given to me by my oldest friend from secondary school).

We spoke more about a DID diagnosis, and she says it seems to fit, but we spoke positively about not being medicated for it, or it changing anything at all from my life at present as the little voices are there, they have been for ages, and I'm living life normally...  I'm bringing up children, working, running Cubs, etc. I did point out though, that it might be easier when explaining to others about the voices...  not that I'm planning to go shouting it from the rooftops, but I may tell a couple of close friends, and Vicky (my sister).

I found

http://www.pods-online.org.uk/whatisdid.pdf and
http://www.pods-online.org.uk/signsandsymptomsofdid.pdf

useful about DID.

I'm not feeling too bad today, but my 13 year old voice is desperate to speak.  Think I'll sit down with my new book and coloured pens later and let her vent.  I'll post it here too, but maybe I can take it to counselling this week too.  

I really want this session to be more productive than last week...  but maybe I'm being too hard on myself and last week I did cry about the abuse for the first time ever, and I identified my triggers for the massive anxiety episode.

I still seem to be calmer, although things feel like they're bubbling under the surface.  Not using the diazepam to sleep anymore, and no more night wakings, so that's something.

I think the Rolf Harris stuff is triggering me as he's obviously a nasty man, and has deserved to go to jail...  but going down that line of thinking makes it harder and harder not to apply that knowledge and thinking to my grandad's situation too, and that's difficult.

Something my GP said has stuck with me - she said that I must be feeling a little disappointed that everything's not 'over' now, and she's right...  I'm not stupid, I knew some residual stuff would need putting to bed, but I honestly didn't think I'd have more panic attacks, or even more stuff pouring out needing to be dealt with.

Part of me wants to write him another letter, but I'm not sure what to say.  I guess it wouldn't really matter as it wouldn't be posted anyway...  food for thought.

So, after a night of peaceful sleep thanks to some diazepam, things are somewhat brighter today.

That's probably also helped by the fact I saw both my counsellor and my Dr yesterday too.

I'll write about the doctor's appointment first, as that's far easier.  Firstly, I brought her up to speed about everything that's gone on since February - last time I saw her, the trial was a few weeks away.  Then, I explained about what the triggers were we identified in my counselling session - the fact my counsellor is leaving in a few weeks, and also the letter from the Victim Support people talking about keeping me informed about his release date and parole conditions.  She was quick to reassure me that she doesn't think this is the start of that horrible slippery slope into the pits of depression and hopelessness...  apparently, she could see in my eyes that I was petrified about that (which is true!) She said that this is a normal (!) anxiety reaction to the current situation, and that it should calm on it's own.  I have to take diazepam every night for 10 days, starting last night, as that should help calm me during the night - and we already know that lack of sleep is a massive trigger for my depression/anxiety/general lack of cope.  She's said that if it's not better within about a week or so, to go back and see her and she can up my anti-anxiety meds, but it's better not to knee-jerk for now.  She's reassured me that now we've discovered the triggers, hopefully things will calm down quickly.

My counselling session was a whole other story.

It was so hard going into that room to talk to her, knowing that we only have a few sessions left.  I was agitated, fidgety, and struggling to stay in control.  My flashbacks reared their ugly head too, just for good measure.  I sat there for 45 minutes rocking, with my arms wrapped round myself, or sat tapping my feet.  The little voices I have didn't even make an appearance, except to say they feel abandoned cos she's leaving us.

I'm so scared of not making the link I have with her with somebody else.
I'm scared of the next counsellor saying I'm MPD due to the voices.
I'm scared of this "healing process" never being over.
I'm scared of when he gets out - what if he comes to find me?  He's going to be very angry by then.
I'm scared of never getting better.

Over the last few days, I've felt like I'm going crazy with all the anxiety.  I've felt like I'm not going to have a grip on the chaotic feelings for much longer.  It feels like I'm slipping.  I haven't even had a reprieve at night time...  I've been waking in a panic and being completely disorientated, or being shaken awake by Si, and I'm tangled in the covers and absolutely dripping with sweat.  I don't even know what I'm dreaming of to freak me out so much.

I don't think the recent news about Rolf Harris is helping.  All over the news and the papers is about child abusers, and sentencing, and jail...  and it's someone that has hurt children, and has been found out to be a bad man...  it's shaking me up to think of other child abusers as bad people, as it shakes up the view I have of my grandad too.

I think I'm starting to think about him in a whole different light, and that's really, really scary.  I'm starting to think about his intentions, and the grooming process, and the lies he spun, and it's really difficult.

The fact Emily's leaving has hit me harder than I thought.  I feel abandoned.  I feel like the process with her is started, but she's dumping me part-way through.  I feel bad for saying anything to her though as I know deep down that it's nothing personal, and she's said she feels bad leaving, and it's not because of anything I've said, but it's so hard to believe that.  She wouldn't be the first person to walk out on me as they couldn't cope with what's happened to me - it's one reason why I've vowed to keep quiet before.

The little voices are telling me it's my fault she's leaving, but they're so upset.  They feel like the first 'friend' they've had is running away.  She's the first person I've risked talking to about them, and she's leaving.  I'm scared about telling anyone else - I haven't even told my GP.  The rational part of me knows that's not the reason she's leaving, but I haven't been particularly rational lately.  She's said she'll make sure the person taking over from her has dealt with the 'voices' issue before, but in some ways that's even more scary as that means it is something they're going to know about me before I even meet them.

I'm undecided yet whether or not I want her to discuss me with my next counsellor.

I'm worried about wasting the time I have left with the Rape Crisis Centre.  Starting again means spending another 6 weeks or so getting to trust someone new.  With trusting someone new comes the issue of 'will they think I'm crazy?', 'will they get it?', 'will they be shocked by what I tell them?', etc.  She's said that I don't have to attend the last few sessions with her, but that means I'm running out on this process, and bailing on her completely.  I mean, how will just not attending help at all?  She's still going to leave, and I'm sure the new counsellor can't take over any sooner, so I'll just lose 4 weeks or so.

Today has been a day of non-stop, never ending panic.  It's been awful, and that's putting it mildly.

I'm not even sure of the trigger - I suspect contributing factors are the stuff in the news about Rolf Harris, and the news last week about Emily leaving soon...

I was really brave and convinced myself to contact my GP for help...  only to wait 6 hours for a call back, then to find out the receptionist didn't bother passing on the new mobile number I gave them, so she left me a message on my old mobile this morning before she left for the day.  She now isn't in until tomorrow afternoon...  Great.  I don't want to talk to anyone else...  I don't want to have to inform anyone else of what's gone on, or of what I've been through, so I'll just stay like this until tomorrow.

The little voices inside of me are hiding.  They feel abandoned by Emily, and don't want to talk to anyone.  They poke their heads out every now and then to tell me "I told you so" and "we knew she'd leave" and "don't talk anymore", but that's it.