Counselling this week was tough. I've been left feeing so conflicted.

I think it's suddenly dawning on Titch that grandad wasn't loving her when he was touching her, but it was abuse. She's hurting. She feels lost, alone and very scared. She feels betrayed. Disbelief. How could he do that? Why did she deserve it?

Today's counselling was tough. We talked about my life pre-abuse, so 0-5 years. This wasn't a particularly happy time for me. I was born 10 weeks premature, so wasn't supposed to survive. Mum's waters broke at 20 weeks so I was being squashed in the womb up until birth too. I had lots of medical issues and was in and out of hospital till my teens. I remember lots of pain and invasive procedures, which I hated and they left me feeling vulnerable and out of control.  Add to that the fact we moved every couple of years as dad was in the forces, and it led to lots of being unsettled. At 5, my mum and dad split up and I have vivid memories of being sat on the kitchen side by my dad who told me he was leaving as "mummy doesn't love me anymore". This meant a move for us too... New house, new school and new stepdad. New stepfamily too, which meant that my stepgrandad could jump on the fact I desperately wanted to be loved, and atart abusing me under the guise of love and affection. As my parents worked nights and he looked after me and my sister, this gave him unhindered access to us nightly. I never questioned what was happening - I though this was something normal to be happening. Later, I remember asking for him not to babysit, and for me not to have to 'walk the dog' with him - but she always made me... I remember being desperate not to go with him, but she was insistent and this meant more abuse .  

Today, we talked about the fact I was basically abandoned by my parents... By my dad when they divorced (especially as visits were very sporadic after), and then by my mum and stepdad as they worked all the hours under the sun. I had to fend for myself, and later looked after my siblings... Which included food and schoolwork and basic housework.

It comes down to the fact that he made me feel lived, wanted and special... He gave me regular attention, and I craved it. I believed every single lie he spun... Why wouldn't i??

Problem is, I'm scared and the littles are terrified. I don't want to acknowledge all these feelings from before. I'm happy in this little bubble of denial/apathy.  What happens if everything falls apart? 

Lots of feelings around the way things were dealt with when I told my parents about the abuse too. I had to keep silent and HE was protected. I was left behind when the family met up. I had to make the choice not to go to family gatherings so I wouldn't see him. I had to keep everyone happy and not say anything to risk that happiness and normality.

Oya said something that stuck today... It may have been my normality but that doesn't make it the norm.

So, talking to my DID email group... They think the alter who came out at counselling last week was male and maybe a teenager. I'm left wondering if it's the 'bad' one they were trying to hide before? I'm not sure though.

I have counselling again tomorrow, so I'll see where the conversation goes.

I know she wants to talk about my 0-5 upbringing to try to help me realise how vulnerable I was, and I guess to try to help me understand how he was able to start abusing me, and how much of an easy target I was. The whole idea's a bit scary to be honest as I've coped this far thinking this way and to change all that is difficult and I worry it's not possible and for me to stay sane at the same time!

Oya says we'll do it in small steps but it's still scary and life changing - for both me and my littles.

Counselling went well this week.  We talked about a lot though...

One big thing for me was that at the weekend I told myself about the DID, and now I'm trying to persuade one of my littles that she was telling the truth when she accepted it and understood.

At counselling, there was another little that came out, that had a much deeper voice.  I say little, but it seemed older than the others.  It also was very negative. It didn't like Oya talking about 'HIM' and saying bad things about him.  It started speaking over her, which we don't normally do.  She asked who it was that had been talking, but we had no idea.

We're going to start to look at my feelings for him, and how to accept the truth of what he was, and how manipulative he was, and that what he did was wrong, but it's going to be hard as that seems to be the centre of everything to do with how I've coped up till now, but I've come to the realisation that nothing can change unless I change my view of him.

I'm trying to get in touch with the anxious one today, so I've stuck this in their book as it very much reminds me of how she's feeling.  I'm hoping she'll write something in there.