Not even sure where to begin. Struggling right now - everyone is upset and scared. One voice says they're right - but this is a new voice, so I don't know whether to listen.

Dylan's been displaying some "unusual sexual behaviour" (a Social Services term, not mine!)... Basically Si found him playing mummies and daddies with Niamh and he'd been touching her over her underwear, and then a couple of months later we found out they'd been a handful of occasions of him doing the same to a girl across the road, who's 9. Dylan's 12.

We dealt with it with the neighbours and they were happy that it had been dealt with appropriately... We basically read Dylan the riot act. We'd said he shouldn't do that after the incident with Niamh but we really went to town after this latest thing. I also checked with my boss after each thing as she's my safeguarding/child protection contact. With her help we put some measures into place and we thought that was the end of it. We basically threatened Dylan with going to the police if it happened again.

Fast forward 6 weeks and I get a call from the school to go in to discuss a safeguarding issue. I thought it would be about the girl across the road - maybe mum had said something to get counselling or something. I was upset she hadn't mentioned it first, but hey...

I get to the school to find it's not about the girl across the road at all, but that she'd told them both about her daughter and about Niamh too. Needless to say, I was livid that she'd break my trust about my own child!

The school refered to Social Services and after talking to me about the measures we'd put in place, they advised it would most likely be just a phone call to go over the details.

Well, a few days later I get a call from the Child Abuse Investigation Unit at the Police Station, and they were talking about me taking Dylan into the station the next day so they could arrest him, and talk to him about it.  We spoke on the phone for a while about it, and I said how I was worried that arresting him would affect him badly, and she said they might be able to talk to him under caution, but she wasn't sure until she spoke to her superior officer.

I had to get a solicitor involved, but collected Dylan from school and took him to the station.  On the way we explained what was going on, and he pretty much freaked out.  

Luckily, at the station they interviewed him under caution and it emerged that there was basic touching over clothes, but that's it.  The Police decided no charges need to be brought, but they'll refer the matter to the Youth Offending Team to try to get him some counselling, and to assess if anything else is needed.  We thought that was the end of it.

Thursday last week I got a call from a Social Worker to arrange to come and carry out an assessment, and potentially start a child protection investigation if Niamh is at risk from Dylan.

She came today and it was awful.  She basically labelled my son a child abuser, and told me my daughter is at risk of him re-offending.  I couldn't stay for the whole meeting as I had to take Niamh swimming, but I'm worried about the fact they know about my mental health history, my DID and that they have basically said that we need to inform the child protection officer at school in case Dylan is a risk to other children, and that we should make sure he's supervised at all times.

I'm devastated and am so confused.  I want this all to be over.  I don't know what way is up at the moment.  Along with this going on, I've been making trips to and from the hospital to see my nan, who has since died, and her funeral is on Monday.  Also, I've had to have more painkilling injections into my back to try to help the levels of pain I'm in with my hip.

It's all going a bit crazy, and I have my last counselling session tomorrow before a 4 week break over Christmas.

I've always believed that Clairabelle, or Belle as she's shortened her name to was in an oblivious bubble... With no idea of what had gone on with the abuse. The other day I was listening to a song and it mentioned about people saying no to sex... And suddenly Belle told me she'd said no but he never listened so she'd just stopped telling him.

I'm devastated and struggling. Thankfully my counselling resumes Wednesday but I feel like the bottom has been pulled out from under me.

This makes him more of a monster than I ever thought.

I know it's been ages since I've written, and I'm sorry for that.

It's been a lovely 6 weeks or so off with the kids during their summer holidays, and today was their second day back and school, and my first day back at work.

I'm so glad to be back at work - I love it, and have really missed both the kids and the staff!

Counselling's been going well on the whole.  Last week was weird as I'd missed a couple of weeks due to a holiday, and then a childcare crisis, and when I went I was feeling oddly calm.and everyone was happy and excited as it'd been a good holiday, and we've been having lots of fun.

Then I sat and wrote a letter to my abuser that I'd been meaning to for ages (not to send, just for cathartic reasons), and it sent everything into haywire.  I had Janie (age 10) panicking, Titch (13) completely devastated by it, and the male teen I've yet to discover his name just hating me for writing it at all.  The weird thing is, it's a very powerful letter and yet I feel nothing when I read the details in it.  If anything, I feel sad.  My counsellor said it made her feel angry, but nope...  sad.

This week's session was talking about my weekend spent doing something called LARP.  It's basically medieval re-enactment, but with more of a fantasy element so you can be whatever you want to be.  I play a healer called Caitlyn, and have been playing this role for nearly 12 years now.  For the first time at LARP (I've been doing the hobby for 18 years), I felt incredibly uncomfortable, and the littles were very upset and confused by what was going on.  They were scared and overwhelmed by all the people, the physical contact and a sense of distorted reality.  I spoke to Oya about it, and she's suggested explaining it to them.  I'm going to try that and she expects that next time will be better, and thinks maybe now I'm more aware of everyone that is why I felt what they felt about it.  I really hope I can make it work with them as I don't really want to  give up the hobby.

Today I've felt kind of disjointed and a bit on autopilot.

Oya thinks I'm still dissociated from my feelings towards the abuse - we talked about the fact I can almost robotically talk details (as I did during the court case), but don't feel emotion attached to that.

Her favourite phrase at the moment seems to be "it will come with time".  Problem is, although part of me understands that, another part of me is getting frustrated with the "process" (that she keeps referring to) taking so long.  She says we're looking at a few years of counselling yet to deal with things, and I felt my heart sink.  I guess I hadn't realised how in depth this whole thing is going to be, and how much there is to look at.  At the moment it seems the more we talk about, the more there is to sort out.

She's recommended a UK charity called PODS that offer help for people with DID, and she's recommended I attend a couple of their workshops that she's done personally.  She thinks they'd really help.  I'm going to look into them.  The dates I could find were early next year.

I guess at the moment I feel like I'm treading water, and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Feeling fairly flat at the moment.

Had a weekend away in Poole with Si's parents and it was fairly awful.  I don't think I want to spend another weekend living in the same house as them.  They made me feel like a child.  All the decisions were made for me, and there was lots of covert criticism about the house, and about my parenting.  Also, while we were out and about, they didn't wait for me when walking around - despite the fact they know I can't walk fast due to my hip.  It just left me feel sad, and alone.  I've tried to talk to Si about it, but he just gets defensive.

They don't know about the DID either, so I didn't feel like I could be myself while we were away, so I ended up feeling kind of trapped.

I just don't feel 'right' at the moment, and I'm not sure why.

I can't make my counselling session this week as they've changed the day at short notice and I couldn't rearrange this week's meet up with friends.  I think I could do with going to be honest.

The good news I have is that my college course is going well, and I'm now 80% through!

Feeling a bit lost and at odds today.

The voice is still there, telling me how bad I am, and how HE will never forgive me for breaking my promises and lying to him.

I did some colouring last night and that quietened the voices for a while, and made the other littles happy, so that was nice.

Today I'm making brownies for a friend's birthday bbq this afternoon.  I'm hoping they turn out ok as I'm a bit distracted with the voices in my head!

I feel quite floaty and detached today.  I'm not really sure who's present most - the adult me, or Titch. When it's Titch it's even more confusing as she doesn't know who to believe.

I'm hoping games at my friend's this afternoon will be a distraction from it.

Well...  my counsellor thinks we're dealing with another 'insider' - I can't call them a 'little' as they feel too aggressive and angry and well, they're not young.  Basically, they're trying to make me feel guilty for speaking out and stopping the abuse, for talking out despite promising him I'd never speak about it again, and for breaking my promises and talking to the police which put him in jail.  They're flooding me with sad, desperate and guilty feelings and are sending me lots of images of a sad, lonely man being beaten up in jail, or sat lonely and upset in his cell.  It's really hard.

She's said for now to acknowledge these feelings, and to try to let this 'insider' know I've taken their feelings on board even though the adult me doesn't agree with them. 

I'm hoping it'll calm down some soon.

Dylan's gone to Isle of Wight till Friday with the school so I know I'm anxious about that, but I've been off all weekend and it's just getting worse.

Baking isn't helping. I've ordered some new colouring pens in the hope that they might help me shake this but I don't want to do *anything*. I had to be talked into baking at work with the kids today and when I got back after picking Niamh up from school today, Si was home so I went to bed for 2 hours and slept even though I wasn't tired. I don't want to eat or anything.

Counselling's tomorrow after a 2 week break but I'm just not in the mood.

One up coming thing I can think of is the bowel clinic on Wednesday as I've been having some issues, but Si is coming to that with me so I'm not sure.

Counselling this week was tough. I've been left feeing so conflicted.

I think it's suddenly dawning on Titch that grandad wasn't loving her when he was touching her, but it was abuse. She's hurting. She feels lost, alone and very scared. She feels betrayed. Disbelief. How could he do that? Why did she deserve it?

Today's counselling was tough. We talked about my life pre-abuse, so 0-5 years. This wasn't a particularly happy time for me. I was born 10 weeks premature, so wasn't supposed to survive. Mum's waters broke at 20 weeks so I was being squashed in the womb up until birth too. I had lots of medical issues and was in and out of hospital till my teens. I remember lots of pain and invasive procedures, which I hated and they left me feeling vulnerable and out of control.  Add to that the fact we moved every couple of years as dad was in the forces, and it led to lots of being unsettled. At 5, my mum and dad split up and I have vivid memories of being sat on the kitchen side by my dad who told me he was leaving as "mummy doesn't love me anymore". This meant a move for us too... New house, new school and new stepdad. New stepfamily too, which meant that my stepgrandad could jump on the fact I desperately wanted to be loved, and atart abusing me under the guise of love and affection. As my parents worked nights and he looked after me and my sister, this gave him unhindered access to us nightly. I never questioned what was happening - I though this was something normal to be happening. Later, I remember asking for him not to babysit, and for me not to have to 'walk the dog' with him - but she always made me... I remember being desperate not to go with him, but she was insistent and this meant more abuse .  

Today, we talked about the fact I was basically abandoned by my parents... By my dad when they divorced (especially as visits were very sporadic after), and then by my mum and stepdad as they worked all the hours under the sun. I had to fend for myself, and later looked after my siblings... Which included food and schoolwork and basic housework.

It comes down to the fact that he made me feel lived, wanted and special... He gave me regular attention, and I craved it. I believed every single lie he spun... Why wouldn't i??

Problem is, I'm scared and the littles are terrified. I don't want to acknowledge all these feelings from before. I'm happy in this little bubble of denial/apathy.  What happens if everything falls apart? 

Lots of feelings around the way things were dealt with when I told my parents about the abuse too. I had to keep silent and HE was protected. I was left behind when the family met up. I had to make the choice not to go to family gatherings so I wouldn't see him. I had to keep everyone happy and not say anything to risk that happiness and normality.

Oya said something that stuck today... It may have been my normality but that doesn't make it the norm.

So, talking to my DID email group... They think the alter who came out at counselling last week was male and maybe a teenager. I'm left wondering if it's the 'bad' one they were trying to hide before? I'm not sure though.

I have counselling again tomorrow, so I'll see where the conversation goes.

I know she wants to talk about my 0-5 upbringing to try to help me realise how vulnerable I was, and I guess to try to help me understand how he was able to start abusing me, and how much of an easy target I was. The whole idea's a bit scary to be honest as I've coped this far thinking this way and to change all that is difficult and I worry it's not possible and for me to stay sane at the same time!

Oya says we'll do it in small steps but it's still scary and life changing - for both me and my littles.

Counselling went well this week.  We talked about a lot though...

One big thing for me was that at the weekend I told myself about the DID, and now I'm trying to persuade one of my littles that she was telling the truth when she accepted it and understood.

At counselling, there was another little that came out, that had a much deeper voice.  I say little, but it seemed older than the others.  It also was very negative. It didn't like Oya talking about 'HIM' and saying bad things about him.  It started speaking over her, which we don't normally do.  She asked who it was that had been talking, but we had no idea.

We're going to start to look at my feelings for him, and how to accept the truth of what he was, and how manipulative he was, and that what he did was wrong, but it's going to be hard as that seems to be the centre of everything to do with how I've coped up till now, but I've come to the realisation that nothing can change unless I change my view of him.

I'm trying to get in touch with the anxious one today, so I've stuck this in their book as it very much reminds me of how she's feeling.  I'm hoping she'll write something in there.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling at the moment.  It's kind of jumbled.

The only little that's around is Clairabelle, and she's been having a great half-term with the kids.  We've seen butterflies, been to the zoo, been to the beach, seen friends...  it's been lovely.  (The only bad thing was the car crash, but we seem to be minimalising that!)

I've got a shell collection from the beach that she's fiercely protective of.  We've cleaned it, and put them safely in a box, but we know Si hates having that kind of thing in the house as he sees it as 'clutter', so we're debating hiding it from him to make sure it doesn't get thrown out!!  They're really pretty.  I'll have to see if I can post a picture of them later.

Today we're going to see the new Disney film, 'Big Hero 6' which should be lots of fun.

I'm not sure how Titch's doing.  She's been quiet, but I can feel her uncertainty and her fear and anxiety.  I don't like it, and I'm actually looking forward to counselling on Tuesday when maybe me and Oya can make some sense of it.  I know she'll tell me not to rush, and to let her come to me, but I'm scared that she's not going to.  I'm drawn to colouring and doodling right now, and I know that's what she enjoys, so maybe I'll do more of that and she if that helps her talk to me.

Kids are back to school tomorrow, and it's a college study day for me, and then Tuesday is back to work.

I have a procedure on my hip on Friday involving several needles and x-ray pulses to try to combat the pain in my hip.  A couple of weeks ago, I had a similar procedure in my lower spine involving needles and drugs, and it was actually ok.  I made myself write on my admission from that I was an abuse survivor, and that I would prefer a female nurse, and that I was nervous about being touched, and about being undressed in front of men.  The nurse I had was amazing, and so were the team in theatre.  The nurse made sure there was a female nurse in theatre to talk to me, as it was supposed to be an all male team.  Also, they used a light sedation in theatre, and the consultant talked to me throughout the procedure to keep me calm.  It was such a different experience, and I came out feeling on a high for actually being my own advocate.  It was such a feeling of being strong, and being able to speak out for myself (if only at the moment by writing on a form) and getting what I needed to feel safe and in control.  Such a difference from when I had my tonsils out.  Yes, the procedure was painful, but it was manageable, and I coped.

I feel like things are in a bit of a holding pattern right now.

At the moment it's half-term, and we've been having a lovely time.

Monday - Colchester Zoo with Howard and little Jake
Tuesday - Ramsgate beach with Rhiannon & Sarah, Holly & Thomas
Wednesday - Wisley Gardens to see the butterflies with Sarah, Holly & Thomas
Thursday (today) - going to see Sally & Alex
Friday (tomorrow) - meet up at Buzz Zone in the morning

Monday I also had a scary crash in my car on the M25 on the way back from the zoo, and I had a courtesy car delivered yesterday and mine picked up so it can be fixed.

Maybe that's why we're in a holding pattern?  A scary car crash, and not being able to make counselling as my car wasn't safe.  Hmm....

More later...

Wow - has it really been a month since I last posted??

Not much has really changed...

Back at work and loving it.  Having a good effect on a child with a speech delay, and as a result his development in general is affected, but he talks to me more than anyone...  I take him from mum screaming every morning, but he calms within minutes, and then plays happily with me.  It's often repetitive play - a result of his speech and language delay, and Friday he even fell asleep on me towards the end of the session.  I stayed at work then until he woke for his lunch, as I didn't want him getting distressed if he couldn't find me when he woke.

Today was a day out with friends at a local wildlife park.  It was nice, as Clairabelle was able to surface for a while as we bought food to feed the animals.  She giggled at Si when he told her she could buy a bag of animal food.

I've been on Slimming World for a couple of weeks, and have lost 7 1/2 lb.  Today we went to ASK with Paul and Amanda after the wildlife park, so it was 3 courses including pudding...  oh well, back on the diet straight after!

Titch is a bit lost right now.  She came out at counselling last week and spoke to Oya for most of the session.  She's so sad.  She's lost and hurting.  She doesn't know whether to believe me or  grandad about the truth regarding the abuse.  I've been trying to get through to her gently that it was wrong, but it seems to have hit her all of a sudden and she's petrified.

I've joined an online playground group for littles, and that's been fun...  but I can't talk about triggering stuff there, so we've asked to join a group for older littles.  We'll see what happens.