Saw my counsellor this week and things were going from bad to worse. Was still struggling through with the safeguarding module, and the most recent bit was about recognising signs of abuse... Well, chaos seemed close to closing in... Flashbacks and anxiety had made a massive comeback, and I was even thinking I was seeing him while I was driving around.

During my counselling session, my counsellor suggested that I contact college, let them know about what's going on and the court case, and see if I could put the rest of the module off until after the court case,

I saw my tutor yesterday and gave her the barest details of what's going on. She's agreed I can do any safeguarding modules after the court case, so at least then I can talk through the feelings and memories it brings up. For now, I'm working through a child development module, which will take up the next three weeks.

As for the court case, she's recommended I take an official 'break in learning' for two months from the start of February. That basically pauses my course, so I don't lose any time. I'll then be able to come back to studying after the Easter holidays. I think that's a good idea. They have no problem with me continuing to work but it would me no pressure to study while I'm sorting my head out!

Things are calming a bit now. I slept for 14 hours last night... Think I needed to catch up with loads of sleep after a couple of rough weeks.

I'm booked to see my counsellor again in January.

So, in general, life is good.

Preschool placement is going amazingly well - I'm loving it.  I've really chosen the right career path for me.  I've been thrown in the deep end by my manager, but I'm swimming!  I've got a few key children, and I'm doing circle times, snack bar, manning the door...  everything all the rest of the staff do!  She's been so  happy with me that she's offered to contract me into a paid position starting in November!  I'm amazed.  It's £24 a session for now, but that will go up when I qualify - so that means they want to keep me too!   Also, £24 isn't anything to be sniffed at...  4 sessions a week, which is what I have to do for my course, means £96 a week...  so nearly £400 a month I wasn't expecting at all...  that's incredible.

The mortgage is being reassessed in November too, and should mean we're up by around £300 a month, so financially, things will be considerably more comfortable.

The adoption paperwork has been submitted to the court too.  They've returned it once as we managed to miss a section (d'oh!), but we've sorted that out, and will resubmit it today or tomorrow.  It's all so exciting!

College work is easy enough to keep up with - a little stressful when deadlines are looming, but I'm managing.

Cubs is going well too.  I've completed the first 3 modules that are required to run the group, so I'm flying solo for most of November.  I have helpers, so I'm not worried, and it's nice to have that bit of training behind me, and plans in place for the rest.  I just need to complete some stuff on safeguarding - something that is stressing me out, as part of it covers abuse, and things are threatening to bubble over at the moment.

I don't get what's going on.  I've been doing so well, and have been trying just to leave all the abuse stuff on a back burner till nearer the court case.  I've had a few sessions with a counsellor at my GP's surgery, and we've spoke a lot about mindfulness, and basically living for now, as having a nervous breakdown won't bring the court date any closer, so it's best to try to live for now, and worry about that later.

It was working, and things were going really well...  but lately, I feel like things are bubbling under the surface.  It's not a nice feeling.  I do wonder if it's because I've got a lot on...  Dylan's party on Thursday, Cubs on my own in November, the Preschool Christmas Fair...  I don't know.  Something's going to give soon, and it's like a sense of impending doom.

I know I should try and fight the way I'm feeling, and I am trying...  but I hate the constant warring inside!

So, I saw my GP on Monday.  She's referring me NHS-ward for a new psychiatrist...  but after my last experience, I'm not holding out much hope about how much help they'll be.  She's also referring me to the practice counsellors, and they only have a 2 week wait.  She said they can see me for only 6 sessions, but they're usually every 2 weeks...  so that'd last me 3 months.  That takes me up till after his Plea Hearing, and hopefully until I'll have a new court date.  I then have 3 sessions left with Andy, which will be two just before the trial, and one after.... then hopefully, it won't be too long until the RASACC sessions come up.

I'm so cross!  It's been 3 weeks since we put in a "complaint", although apparently, it doesn't count as a complaint only a "request" about moving dates of the trial forward, and if possible changing the location back to Winchester...  well, I haven't heard anything, and chasing it today I'm told it's not likely to be dealt with until the Plea Hearing...  wonderful, that just gives his barrister yet another month to fill his diary.  What the fuck is up with our justice system?  I  get the feeling no-one really cares what the victim goes through - surely what I've been through already is enough, without dragging it out and dragging it out now??  I mean, it's already 10 months since I made the complaint, and there's possibly another 5 until the trial.  It's agony.  It's maddening, infuriating, and damn well demoralising and upsetting.  Who's the one being punished here??

So, I haven't wrote anything for a little while.

Things have been a bit scary.

I've been really low, to the point I had to drag myself to the Dr last week.  As my usual GP is on maternity leave, I saw a lovely Dr, and she was very sympathetic.  She had two requests - go back to see Jeremy Broadhead, and contact Croydon Rape & Abuse Crisis Centre.

I spoke to a lady called Laura who runs the counselling service at the centre, and she seemed nice enough.  It was awkward answering questions over the phone, and it wasn't particularly easy, but as I didn't need to go into too much detail, I got through it.  She's explained that she'll post a form out, and when I've returned it I'll go in for a one-to-one with her, and then there's a 6-month waiting list for counselling.  Damn.  I knew they'd be a waiting list, but I really wanted some extra support to start before the trial.

I then spoke to my insurance company, who have said there's been an exclusion put on my policy for PTSD and anxiety related conditions.  Wonderful.  So, I can't see my psychiatrist or therapist through them any more.  Feeling a little abandoned right now.  That rug has been pulled out from under me.  I have three pre-authorised sessions left with Andy, which I'm saving for just before, and just after, the trial.  It means I need to talk to my Dr again, and ask for a referral the NHS way...  which doesn't fill me with confidence.  Last time I saw an NHS psychiatrist, I told them I was suicidal, and they replied by saying that I was "stable", and they'd see me again in 6 weeks, and would get a care co-ordinator to get in touch, which never happened.  I guess, in that time though, things have moved on a long way...  I now know I'm NOT bipolar, which was their diagnosis.  I know what drugs work for me, it's just going to be a fight to get the support I need.

I also had a call from Andy Flack today, and he's told me the CPS want him to be a witness in the case.  I'm not sure yet whether this is a good or bad thing.  I mean, it's one thing for them to be reading a few written notes, but to have him talking about me, and what I've been through, and all the stuff we've talked about - it's like I'm feeling naked.  Also, what does he think of me?  I mean, does he think I've over-exaggerated anything?  I know I shouldn't doubt him, as he's really been wonderful, but this stupid voice in my head is nagging me now.

I just don't feel like I'm coping very well.  It's like I'm constantly feeling right on the edge of my limit, and if anything else happens, everything's going to fall apart.  I'm tearful, getting upset and agitated over the slightest things, and I don't like being on my own again.  I don't particularly feel like eating, and sleep is something I could take or leave, although I'm tired ALL the time.  I just don't have any drive.  I need to try to snap out of this or something.

I asked my Dr not to up my meds, but had to agree to see Dr Broadhead.  Now, as I can't see him again, I'm not sure what's going to happen.  I really hoped I could be lessening my meds soon, not having to rely on them even more.  I feel like I'm failing.  I've been fighting for so long, and I'm just knackered.

Got through the exam with lots of deep breathing - even though it took her 4 attempts to see what she wanted to.

More cervical erosion, means I have to see my private gynaecologist again, and be put under for another cauterisation...  wonderful.  *insert sarcasm here*

More exams, more blood, more triggers, argh...  could do without it right now!

Stressing this morning! Intimate exam needed at the Dr as I'm bleeding after sex again.

I had a phone call today from a lady from Victim Support, called Tracey.

Apparently, she's my witness care officer, and she called to give me an update on how the court hearing went on Tuesday.

The next hearing will be on 25th June, at Winchester Crown Court.  This means the case will be heard at Winchester, which is great news.

Nothing else for me to do at the moment.  At that preliminary hearing, a date will be set for a 'plea and case management hearing', and then at that hearing, a court date will be set for the case to start.

In other news, I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and he's pleased that my anxiety is mostly staying in check, and has said to keep using my zopiclone and diazepam as I need them, but he's going to pass my care back to my GP, as he hopes I'll be able to come off my meds sometime next year, when all this is over.  He said to see Andy Flack again if I need to, and that I can get re-refered to him if I need it.

Court date

Well, tomorrow's his first court date. All it does is send the case on to Crown Court so I don't need to be there, neither does the DC in charge of my case.

Today I'm stressing, but I'm stressing about him. I'm doing what I fought against people doing to him for years... I'm hurting him. What on earth must he be thinking and feeling? What am I putting him through? I know why I'm doing this, but part of me is still bogged down by loyalty to him.

Feeling very tearful tonight.  Probably because I spent a couple of days around my family, and I always feel low when I come home.

The kids are back at school tomorrow, so things should be calmer.

Why do I get caught watching stuff I shouldn't?

Caught both Crimewatch, and the 10 o'clock news tonight, and it was probably a mistake.

Lots of talk of child pornography, rape, abuse, etc, etc.  Photos of young, blonde-haired little girls...  Similarities could be drawn, and it was enough to trigger.

Should be in bed, but don't want to sleep.

One good thing is that we've bought me a car this week, and we pick it up tomorrow, so I'm so happy about that!  I'm also seeing both Katherine, and Silvia tomorrow, and meeting Katherine's new(ish) baby, and then to mum's tomorrow evening to stay overnight - so lots to keep distracted!

The event at the weekend wasn't as distracting as I'd hoped.  I slunk off to bed at midnight Friday night as I just couldn't keep up the facade anymore...  thankfully, the weekend got better as it went on, but it was quiet, and people were *busy*.  I know I should have asked people to stuck around, but I don't like to burden.

Not looking forward to sleep tonight. I'm having bad dreams about him. Can't talk details as it involves memories, but don't want to keep reliving it. My whole body feels tense as I wake up fighting and soaked in sweat. Can't take sleeping tablets to stop me dreaming as am on my own with the kids. I'm also scared they'd lock me into the nightmares at the moment.

They've bought 10 charges against him, 8 of indecent assault spanning from the ages of 6-13, and 2 charges of rape spanning 1988-1989 and 1989-1990. It's done over time periods, rather than specific incidents. It's going to Crown Court. I won't have a date for the case for another 2-3 months.

They've bought 10 charges against him, 8 of indecent assault spanning from the ages of 6-13, and 2 charges of rape spanning 1988-1989 and 1989-1990. It's done over time periods, rather than specific incidents. It's going to Crown Court. I won't have a date for the case for another 2-3 months.

Forgotten meds again for a couple of days, and a black cloud's hit me hard. I'm glad Si's home tonight, even though I don't think I'm going to be great company. It's been really hard work with the kids today, and even harder to get myself motivated. Been swimming this afternoon but hated it. Kids had a good time at least.

Forgotten meds again for a couple of days, and a black cloud's hit me hard. I'm glad Si's home tonight, even though I don't think I'm going to be great company. It's been really hard work with the kids today, and even harder to get myself motivated. Been swimming this afternoon but hated it. Kids had a good time at least.

Not looking forward to sleep tonight. I'm having bad dreams about him. Can't talk details as it involves memories, but don't want to keep reliving it. My whole body feels tense as I wake up fighting and soaked in sweat. Can't take sleeping tablets to stop me dreaming as am on my own with the kids. I'm also scared they'd lock me into the nightmares at the moment.

Triggered

Triggered tonight by one of the scout leaders at the group the kids went to looking very similar to my abuser... Even down to the glasses. I'm tired now, but too scared to close my eyes.

Triggered tonight by one of the scout leaders at the group the kids went to looking very similar to my abuser... Even down to the glasses. I'm tired now, but too scared to close my eyes.

Given in and taken some diazepam... Should work soon. Need to sleep... Another busy day tomorrow!

Laid awake at Great Ormond Street. Dylan's been asleep for hours. Thinking. My mind's full of crap I could do without right now! Like, the fact my abuser's bail is up tomorrow, even though I know CPS haven't looked at anything yet, so I know he'll be rebailed. Still stressing. About his reaction, about what I'm doing...

Given in and taken some diazepam... Should work soon. Need to sleep... Another busy day tomorrow!