So, it's been a while since I posted...  the biggest thing going on at the moment is the huge amount of pain I'm in with my left hip.  I'm seeing a consultant about it, and he's confirmed that the cement at the top of the artificial socket joint is coming loose, and we've been trying physio and hydrotherapy to hold off the inevitable hip re-replacement surgery.  Well, since then, the pain's getting worse and worse and some days I'm walking with a stick.  Also, I'm back taking tramadol, which helps, but I can only take one dose a day otherwise it makes me woozy and out of it.

I missed a couple of sessions with Oya - one due to not sleeping, and so not feeling safe to drive to my session, and the other as I had another bleed in my throat.  It's been tough.  I made the session shortly before Christmas, but we decided not to push things as it's a two-week break at the moment, going back on the 6th January to see her again.

Everything's been rather fuzzy recently, and sleep is a huge issue.  I'm barely sleeping.  Everyone inside seems unhappy, but I don't know why.  Belle seems as happy as ever, so I'm getting some relief when she's around.  I just feel like I'm on a scary rollercoaster, but with no end in sight right now.

Saw Oya yesterday.  I felt relieved after talking to her, as she understood how I felt after my issues at the hospital, and said that my feelings were valid.  She said it's like I've been re-traumatised because of how I was treated.  Like, although the circumstances weren't the same, the feelings it brought up are similar, so it's triggered some flashbacks and intrusive thoughts.

I feel let down by myself that not being able to speak out in the hospital has lead to a set back.  Sleeping is an issue again, and I just feel vulnerable and anxious.

The difference is, she said, we're going to work through the feelings it's brought up now, and not ignore them, or brush them away, or bury them.  That's got to be a positive, right??

So, the whole getting the tonsils out thing was traumatic.  I'm almost at the end of my 10 day isolation (2 more days!!), and then it's no crowded places, or work until 27th still.  I can't wait to get out of the house, and I'm missing work sooo much!!

The hospital was traumatic as the vast majority of staff I met were male - my nurse, and my night nurse were male, the anesthetist was male, and my surgeon was male.  I tried to talk to the anesthetist about my massive anxieties about being put to sleep, and I asked for Si to come into the room while I was put to sleep, but he wasn't having any of it, and just said that it's not appropriate, so it wasn't possible.  I didn't feel able to share about my history as I was surrounded by men.  Don't get me wrong, they didn't do anything inappropriate and were nice enough, but I felt intimidated, and small.  I'm not sure how present I was to be honest.  I felt like I was on autopilot.  I'm going to talk to Oya about it when I see her on Tuesday, but my littles have been scarily absent since.  The only one who's been around is Belle, and that was because Niamh wanted to do colouring.

I feel Belle getting excited about Christmas, and she's loving the present buying for everyone.  Yesterday, we had to choose and buy some "spy toys" for my nephew, and it was such good fun!!

Today, we sorted through the Christmas presents, and condensed them down into some cardboard boxes that we've sealed up so they can be more easily hidden in the garage - I don't want anyone sneeking around, and then finding something they shouldn't!!

I had counselling again on Tuesday, and there's been some developments...

We made a list before of my littles, and there's 5, but now I've realised they're hiding someone.  I know they're young, male and they won't let him out as they're telling me "he's bad" but I don't know anything else.  My counsellor said just to leave things for now, and it'll come with time.

Also, the little one who's 10 (they haven't told me their name yet) is the one who's always anxious and scared...  she's started coming to my husband, Si, for cuddles, which is lovely.  It's really helped at night time.

Titch (13) is starting to realise that HE doesn't deserve to be up on the pedestal she put him on, and he was mean to us.  It's like the bottom has dropped out of her world, and she's absolutely devastated.  I've been trying to comfort her, but she's not around at the moment.  Again, Oya (counsellor) said not to rush things, she's probably processing things.

Health-wise...  I have my tonsils out on Wednesday night, so I have to be in self-isolation for 2 weeks and not leave the house.  I go back to work on the 27th.  I saw a physio Wednesday afternoon, and they've given me some exercises to change the way I walk, and to strength the muscles around my hip to try to stop the subluxing.  Hopefully, it'll put off the hip replacement a few more months, but the bone scan results also showed it was inevitable as the cement around the socket joint is coming loose.

On a blog I follow...

Let it out

I know you have been broken

and carry a million different

painful memories inside

You have been wounded:

ever since you were a little child

you have wanted to run and hide

The monsters are gone now

but you are still needing to feel

you have that enormous safety net

Only the demon spirits of the yesterdays are continuing to attack you and wont let you forget

You have all of your needed weapons

and they are so buried deep down

inside of your being

They can assist you

in the removal of all of those flashbacks that you have to keep on seeing I am so sorry that you have had to go through that stuff when you were just a child so small But I know that you are so special and you have come out of it all so much better than them all

So, now, if you are needing to be alone

and have the need to let out all

of those stored up tears

Do so now, my dear one and know that

that outpouring will be so much healing

for all of those painful years

You will be rejuvenated and re-elevated

by those flowing rivers

from deep down inside of you

Let out all of those heartaches,

those memories and those broken pieces

that keep on peeking through..

An couple of interesting FF quotes have made me think -

"But you can't keep dividing his good side from his violent side.  He is one person, isn't he?" and "For your health, you need to work on viewing him as one person.  There's no James that's all good.  That James doesn't exist.  He's not real.  You need to move forward from him, leave him behind."

Also, "There are some rapists who, through distorted thought, believe the woman could enjoy it."

Finally, "It wouldn't be out of the question to suggest that you've been grieving.  Grieving for the James that you remembered and cared for, because he's gone and he's never coming back.  Denial, anger, depression: they're all part of the grieving process. Being honest with your thoughts will help you come to terms, come into acceptance.  And that is okay."

I can't go into reasons now, but will later...

Counselling this week was intense.  I managed to write out all the littles I'm aware of at the moment.  Titch wouldn't let me name her though, so I only put her age...  and, some of them I don't know their names, only their ages.

13 - Titch - hates me for speaking out about the abuse, both as a child and as an adult
10 - ??  - always scared and anxious
9 - Clairabelle - the happy, content part who loves it when I'm working with preschoolers, or playing with my kids
7 - seems shy, hasn't been around much
?? - rabbit hutch

We spoke quite a lot about Clairabelle, or should I say - Belle - as she shortened her name as it was too long.  We spoke about how she seems to be in her own little bubble, and she wonders as her and the anxious/scared little are so close in age, that I kind of split to be able to cope.  Perhaps I went into the mindscape of Belle to keep me sane while the abuse was happening - she almost seems happy to the point of total oblivion/denial, and the fear/anxiety surrounding what was going on got completely buried.  Problem is, I feel bad about the fact I may have to burst Belle's bubble to bring her on, and to work with her properly...  it makes me feel guilty, and I really don't want to!!

Also, when thinking about Titch - it's the same, I have to get through to her to balance her world too, but don't know how.

My counsellor has made me realise that I need to do things slowly though - she says it shouldn't be too intense to the point of me not being able to function in the real world.  I know she's right, but I want to help them!!

Counselling has been switched to a different day to try and ease the time it takes me to get home - before, coming home from Croydon at 4pm was taking me till 5.30pm some days!  So today, we're trying Erith at 2pm to see if that's better.  Hopefully, I'll make the school run with 10 mins to spare!!

Last night was odd, and I was feeling chaotic and very anxious.  I couldn't even describe the feeling as they were too fast, and too intense.  Holly talked me through some breathing exercises which helped calm me a little, but I had to drink a herbal sleepytime tea to get some sleep.  Si says I was disturbed a lot in the night, and he spent a lot of time soothing me back to sleep, but I don't remember.  I don't feel like I slept really, and of course, he's shattered too.

I've been thinking, and out of all my littles, I like it when Belle's around as she's fun, and innocent, and loves playing with the kids - which I can do at work.  That makes her feel happy, which leaves me happy too.  It's not that I don't like the others, it's just that some of them are harder to work with, or leave me feeling sad and/or blue.

Wow - I didn't realise it's been so long since I last posted!  Over a month.

Things have been really, really hectic.

Work has been busy - I've got some new key children, which are keeping me on my toes.  They're lovely, but more two-year old mean extra work!

I'm booked to have my tonsils out on 12th November...  I've had yet more tonsillitis and the NHS tried to give me the run around about dates, so I ended up going private.  I'm basically housebound for 2 weeks afterwards - I'm not allowed to mix with people because of the risk of infection.

I've also seen a consultant about my hip - I've had an MRI which seems to show a line at the top of the cement of my socket joint, which probably means the cement is coming loose...  I'm waiting for a bone scan to confirm, but it looks like the socket joint will need to be replaced.  Thankfully, the other part of the joint - the bit that goes into my femur - looks sound, so unless it looks like it needs replacing when they operate, they'll leave it alone.  It'll still mean around a week in hospital, 8 weeks on crutches and 3 months off work.  Then add on more physio time on top, and it's a long process.  I'm hoping I can leave it till the new year, but the risk is if it's dislocates completely, it'll need replacing immediately.

Counselling is going well.  A new little showed itself the other day.  It seems to be the one holding onto all the fear, pain and anxiety surrounding the abuse.  It's the one that was scared of him, and scared of him hurting us.  I wasn't really aware of them, just an increase in anxiety at bedtime...  but s/he suddenly started talking to Oya.  I think they spoke to Oya for about 15 mins, and I was left feeling quite disorientated afterwards.  I knew one of them were going to come forwards as I was feeling very fuzzy and floaty all session.

Titch has been very quiet.  Belle is liking all the craft stuff at preschool, and me getting messy with the little ones.  This new one is worrying me - I really thought I wasn't scared of him, or the abuse, but Oya thinks this little may have dealt with it all so I could cope.  How much does that mean s/he's holding on to?  That's a scary thought.

I have a night of writing EYFS profiles for my key children tonight - woohoo!!

My littles aren't so chaotic today.  I'm mainly hearing Titch, who's unsure about starting therapy again in case Oya leaves as well.  She doesn't want to talk, she didn't like me telling my counsellor about the court case, or what sentence he got as she worries about my grandad.

While I'm typing this, I can feel myself going fuzzy - like she wants to come forward, but Si's here, and he's on the phone with work, so his voice is keeping me present, and she's reluctant.

Clairabelle, who's said she wants to be called 'Belle' and it's too long, wants to draw - so I'm going to get some crayons out later.

Well, I saw my GP the other day, and she was wonderful.  She agreed with the diagnosis, but asked loads of questions about the voices I'm hearing - I presume to check I'm not schizophrenic or anything instead.  She wanted to check that they talked to me, rather than about me, and that they didn't ask me to do anything harmful.  After her questions, she was quick to reassure me that it's all normal, and doesn't need medicating, or a referral to another psychiatrist.  She said therapy is the way forward, and as I'm already doing that, just to carry on as I am, but she was pleased I'd told her as it may be useful for them to know in the future. 

We spoke about my problems sleeping, and she warned me that I can't drive for 6 hours after taking diazepam anymore...  so I used to take it at 3am as a last resort if sleep evaded me, but now she suggested I take it no later than 1 or 2am.  I told her about my aromatherapy burner and the 'rescue remedy' night time stuff, and she said it sounded a good thing to try.  So far, it's helped me sleep for the last couple of nights.

I met with the new counsellor, Oya, yesterday.  She was very different from my last one, both in looks and approach.  The looks bit doesn't bother me, but we are in a new room, which my littles don't like so much as it's a red theme, not blue which they prefer.  In approach, she likes to use crayons and paper and art stuff, and shells and stones in the therapy session, which I don't mind - I quite like the idea of an art input, and my littles love the idea!  She also said that educating myself is important, and might give me print outs to read, or recommendations of stuff to read - which again, I like the idea of.  I like to be informed about what's going on, so any extra information has to be good.

She asked about the trial, and I gave her a brief run through, and she said how I deserved for good things to happen to me, and to work through how this all affects me - I struggle to believe I'm worth it, and I told her I prosecuted to stop him hurting others, rather than for me.  Again, she said we can work on that in session.

Unfortunately, she's on annual leave for two weeks now, but I'll see her again on the 24th, and we'll start the year's sessions then.  I did tell her my littles were nervous and scared at the moment, and constant talking to me about how I shouldn't be talking, and she said that'll ease with time, and there's no rush.  I talked about the sleeping problems, and again she said until my littles talk to her, or express themselves somehow, they'll be talking to be, so I just need to give it time.  She suggested meditation may help, so I'm going to try that.

The kids are in school again today, so I have the joys of housework again.

My last therapy session went ok.  I surprised myself.  We were able to talk some, and I was able to tell her how valued she'd been as a counsellor, and what a difference she'd made in my life.  She seemed visibly moved, so I hope I managed to get my point across.

Since then though, things got a bit chaotic as things she'd promised were in place turned out not to be, but after a little drama, I now have a whole year with a new counsellor on the same day, but at 3pm instead of 1pm.  That's ok.  It won't affect work, but I will need to sort out pick up for the kids...  shouldn't be too much of a problem.

Titch reappeared during the counselling chaos - thankfully she's back.  I'm so relieved.

Today is packing for a week at Centre Parcs tomorrow.  I'm so excited, and so are the kids.  We're going with Rob & Sally, and I can't wait.  We've got so much planned - it's going to be amazing.  Si's parents are having the kids for most of the day so we can pack in peace!!

I'm in the process of joining a new Yahoogroup.  It's a very small group, and seems close knit.  Its for people with DID, and littles and adult selves are able to post.  I've started talking to the group owner, and they're sharing a bit of input from the group.  It just seems right somehow.  I get a good vibe from them.  I'm hoping I can give as much as I'll get back.

Opening up to a couple more friends about the DID, and so far responses have been good.  One person has BPD, so similar, so that was really useful - as that means we can get support from each other.

I still haven't made the bracelets that Titch bought, but I'm itching to!!

Ok, so I didn't tell my sister.  I couldn't bring myself to do it yet.  Maybe I will when I take the kids down to her on Thursday.  Not sure yet.

Dreading my last therapy session with Emily tomorrow.  We've done so much good work together, and we have a really good relationship.  I feel totally safe with her, and I'm worried I won't find that again.  I know I need to give the next one a chance, but it's hard.  She'll have a name for me tomorrow of the next counsellor, and I was offered to meet her, but I've said no as I don't want to detract from my last session with Emily.

Titch still isn't around.  I don't know what to do about that.  Clairabelle is loving the holiday fun - we've been to Chatham Docks, and Old MacDonald's Farm this week.

Sleep is becoming an issue though - I'm either not able to sleep, or am waking up around 3-4am and not being able to get back to sleep.  Not sure why.  Will just keep an eye on it for now.

Since I wrote my last entry, Titch took control and both parked the car and bought stuff in Hobbycraft...  I knew nothing about it until I "came to" with a bag in my hand, with absolutely no idea where the car was.  She'd bought some craft stuff to make bracelets, so it's nothing major, but it's a first for me.  Weirdly too, just after I'd told Emily I had control over them.  Maybe she was just doing it to prove that she could?  I don't know.  She's been hiding ever since though - I haven't heard her at all.  Emily tried to reassure me last session, but I'm not sure.

Last session was good.  We spoke about Titch coming out properly, and about how much the littles inside me are enjoying the holidays.  Since that session, we've been to the park, the beach and to a friend's little boy's birthday party, so we've had a lot of fun.  The beach was my idea as I had an urge to make sandcastles, so it was arranged with friends on the spur of the moment, but it was great.

I'm trying to pluck up the courage to tell my sister, and a couple of my closest friends about the fact I'm DID.  The whole thing about being thought that I'm crazy is a huge stumbling block - and I don't know how to explain the whole 'littles' thing without sounding insane!!

Vicky's here at the moment, and we're about to go out so the kids can bounce at the local pub on their bouncy castles while we chat...  I'm hoping to be able to explain it, but it's not easy.  I've got Jack (my nephew) till Thursday while she's working, and the last thing I want is for her to think he's not safe.  I mean, I've been living like this for years, but just without an awareness of what 'this' is.

So, triggered tonight by a post of Facebook by a stupid quiz that can "guess the age you lost your virginity".  My first thought?  I wish I'd been able to choose for myself... mine was stolen before I even realised how precious it was.

For this one, my 13 year old wants old... well, Clairabelle does too, but all I think she wants to say it is that it hurt.  Titch is confused, maybe I'll just let her take over.

I don't understand. I don't know what to do. I told and everyone got upset. When I saw the film at school, it said that we shouldn't do that stuff till we're older, but grandad's already done most of it. It said we shouldn't let people touch our private parts as it's wrong, and bad. Now I feel bad.  I don't want people to think I'm bad.  I didn't mean it.  It was nice sometimes and sometimes it hurt but I didn't want to make him sad.  Now he's sad.  Now I'm sad.  Some of the girls at school talk about boys and sex, but don't they know it burns?  Don't they know it hurts inside?   I can't tell them though.  I said I wouldn't. I said I'd be quiet so he doesn't go to prison.  Prison is a bad place for bad people, and he's not a bad man. He loves me.

We're cross with big for talking.  We're cross with big for making him go to the bad place.  He's not safe now. We don't know why she talked.  She promised. She said she'd be quiet so it would be ok but it's not. Nothin is ok now.  Everything is wrong. We r hurting and he is hurting too.  Maybe he's mad with us.  We didn't want to make him cross.  We're special.  He told us that.  Why did she lie?  Lying is bad.  Everyone will be sad now too.  Maybe they get cross again.  We like what he did.  I like the cuddles and the soft strokes.  I like the warm bed.  He says sorry when he hurts us.  We r sad we don't see him now.

Ok, a bit fuzzy, but it's weird - it's like I'm aware of what they're saying, but have no desire to take over.  I don't think Titch was the only one there - I suspect the second bit was Clairabelle.  I don't know why she calls me 'big' though... Will have to ask Emily about it.

Feeling unsettled today.  It was the adoption celebration for Dylan at the Court, which means a year old process is at it's end, and my horrid ex is definitely out of our lives for good.  It's a real relief, and such a weight off.  We've bought Dylan a neck-chain as a memorial of the day, and we went out for lunch at Frankie & Benny's (his choice).

On the way back home (we had to pop home to grab the kids' school reports before F&Bs), we started talking about our recent ponderings about getting a loft conversion...  and it boils down to the fact that Si's saying we can't afford to do both the loft conversion, and the holiday to Disneyland I was planning with half of the compensation money I got from the Courts.  This has riled me a bit because I gave him the £20k to put in the savings with a view to use half of it for Disney, and now he's saying there has to be a big discussion about deciding what to do with it.  I'm cross, because that money's supposed to be to make good memories with, not to put all of it towards a stupid loft conversion.  If it wasn't for what I went through, we wouldn't have that money, so I kind of feel I should be able to have a large say over what to do with it.  He's basically saying we shouldn't have 'my money' and 'his money', and I do agree about that, but can't help feeling it's a bit different with this compensation money...  and it's not like I want to put ALL of it towards a holiday, but half...  the other half can fund probably 1/3 of the loft conversion - I don't care about that, but I'd like to fund a holiday to Disneyland for the family with the other £10k of it.  Am I being selfish?  I don't know, but it's upset me...

It's put a bit of a shadow on the day to be honest.

And now, it's 2.50pm and we're home, and I'm stuck as to what to do.  I feel like being crafty - like colouring, or loom bands...  I feel the little voice (not sure which one though - maybe the 13 year old, Titch?) needing to be soothed by it as she doesn't like the adult me feeling like this.  She wants to smooth everything over, and not cause a fuss.

So...  very positive counselling session today.

We made some plans about me moving over to a new counsellor.  She took down my availability, and assured me that I can stay in the room I'm currently in (the blue room).  We're also looking at me taking the summer holidays off, and restarting in September - which will be easier for childcare purposes.  I feel a bit more in control.

We spoke today about the fact I feel it may have been the 13 year old present last week, rather than my adult self being totally in control.  The abandonment issues would have been worse for her when the abuse stopped, and we think it maybe triggered something for her, and so the panic and upset were for her to get her feelings known - something that's never happened before.

I don't think I put it on here before, but a couple of the little voices now have names - the 9 year old's called Clairabelle (which is a nickname my sister used to call me, well, actually, she still does), and the 13 year old's called Titch (which is a nickname given to me by my oldest friend from secondary school).

We spoke more about a DID diagnosis, and she says it seems to fit, but we spoke positively about not being medicated for it, or it changing anything at all from my life at present as the little voices are there, they have been for ages, and I'm living life normally...  I'm bringing up children, working, running Cubs, etc. I did point out though, that it might be easier when explaining to others about the voices...  not that I'm planning to go shouting it from the rooftops, but I may tell a couple of close friends, and Vicky (my sister).

I found

http://www.pods-online.org.uk/whatisdid.pdf and
http://www.pods-online.org.uk/signsandsymptomsofdid.pdf

useful about DID.

I'm not feeling too bad today, but my 13 year old voice is desperate to speak.  Think I'll sit down with my new book and coloured pens later and let her vent.  I'll post it here too, but maybe I can take it to counselling this week too.  

I really want this session to be more productive than last week...  but maybe I'm being too hard on myself and last week I did cry about the abuse for the first time ever, and I identified my triggers for the massive anxiety episode.

I still seem to be calmer, although things feel like they're bubbling under the surface.  Not using the diazepam to sleep anymore, and no more night wakings, so that's something.

I think the Rolf Harris stuff is triggering me as he's obviously a nasty man, and has deserved to go to jail...  but going down that line of thinking makes it harder and harder not to apply that knowledge and thinking to my grandad's situation too, and that's difficult.

Something my GP said has stuck with me - she said that I must be feeling a little disappointed that everything's not 'over' now, and she's right...  I'm not stupid, I knew some residual stuff would need putting to bed, but I honestly didn't think I'd have more panic attacks, or even more stuff pouring out needing to be dealt with.

Part of me wants to write him another letter, but I'm not sure what to say.  I guess it wouldn't really matter as it wouldn't be posted anyway...  food for thought.

So, after a night of peaceful sleep thanks to some diazepam, things are somewhat brighter today.

That's probably also helped by the fact I saw both my counsellor and my Dr yesterday too.

I'll write about the doctor's appointment first, as that's far easier.  Firstly, I brought her up to speed about everything that's gone on since February - last time I saw her, the trial was a few weeks away.  Then, I explained about what the triggers were we identified in my counselling session - the fact my counsellor is leaving in a few weeks, and also the letter from the Victim Support people talking about keeping me informed about his release date and parole conditions.  She was quick to reassure me that she doesn't think this is the start of that horrible slippery slope into the pits of depression and hopelessness...  apparently, she could see in my eyes that I was petrified about that (which is true!) She said that this is a normal (!) anxiety reaction to the current situation, and that it should calm on it's own.  I have to take diazepam every night for 10 days, starting last night, as that should help calm me during the night - and we already know that lack of sleep is a massive trigger for my depression/anxiety/general lack of cope.  She's said that if it's not better within about a week or so, to go back and see her and she can up my anti-anxiety meds, but it's better not to knee-jerk for now.  She's reassured me that now we've discovered the triggers, hopefully things will calm down quickly.

My counselling session was a whole other story.

It was so hard going into that room to talk to her, knowing that we only have a few sessions left.  I was agitated, fidgety, and struggling to stay in control.  My flashbacks reared their ugly head too, just for good measure.  I sat there for 45 minutes rocking, with my arms wrapped round myself, or sat tapping my feet.  The little voices I have didn't even make an appearance, except to say they feel abandoned cos she's leaving us.

I'm so scared of not making the link I have with her with somebody else.
I'm scared of the next counsellor saying I'm MPD due to the voices.
I'm scared of this "healing process" never being over.
I'm scared of when he gets out - what if he comes to find me?  He's going to be very angry by then.
I'm scared of never getting better.

Over the last few days, I've felt like I'm going crazy with all the anxiety.  I've felt like I'm not going to have a grip on the chaotic feelings for much longer.  It feels like I'm slipping.  I haven't even had a reprieve at night time...  I've been waking in a panic and being completely disorientated, or being shaken awake by Si, and I'm tangled in the covers and absolutely dripping with sweat.  I don't even know what I'm dreaming of to freak me out so much.

I don't think the recent news about Rolf Harris is helping.  All over the news and the papers is about child abusers, and sentencing, and jail...  and it's someone that has hurt children, and has been found out to be a bad man...  it's shaking me up to think of other child abusers as bad people, as it shakes up the view I have of my grandad too.

I think I'm starting to think about him in a whole different light, and that's really, really scary.  I'm starting to think about his intentions, and the grooming process, and the lies he spun, and it's really difficult.

The fact Emily's leaving has hit me harder than I thought.  I feel abandoned.  I feel like the process with her is started, but she's dumping me part-way through.  I feel bad for saying anything to her though as I know deep down that it's nothing personal, and she's said she feels bad leaving, and it's not because of anything I've said, but it's so hard to believe that.  She wouldn't be the first person to walk out on me as they couldn't cope with what's happened to me - it's one reason why I've vowed to keep quiet before.

The little voices are telling me it's my fault she's leaving, but they're so upset.  They feel like the first 'friend' they've had is running away.  She's the first person I've risked talking to about them, and she's leaving.  I'm scared about telling anyone else - I haven't even told my GP.  The rational part of me knows that's not the reason she's leaving, but I haven't been particularly rational lately.  She's said she'll make sure the person taking over from her has dealt with the 'voices' issue before, but in some ways that's even more scary as that means it is something they're going to know about me before I even meet them.

I'm undecided yet whether or not I want her to discuss me with my next counsellor.

I'm worried about wasting the time I have left with the Rape Crisis Centre.  Starting again means spending another 6 weeks or so getting to trust someone new.  With trusting someone new comes the issue of 'will they think I'm crazy?', 'will they get it?', 'will they be shocked by what I tell them?', etc.  She's said that I don't have to attend the last few sessions with her, but that means I'm running out on this process, and bailing on her completely.  I mean, how will just not attending help at all?  She's still going to leave, and I'm sure the new counsellor can't take over any sooner, so I'll just lose 4 weeks or so.

Today has been a day of non-stop, never ending panic.  It's been awful, and that's putting it mildly.

I'm not even sure of the trigger - I suspect contributing factors are the stuff in the news about Rolf Harris, and the news last week about Emily leaving soon...

I was really brave and convinced myself to contact my GP for help...  only to wait 6 hours for a call back, then to find out the receptionist didn't bother passing on the new mobile number I gave them, so she left me a message on my old mobile this morning before she left for the day.  She now isn't in until tomorrow afternoon...  Great.  I don't want to talk to anyone else...  I don't want to have to inform anyone else of what's gone on, or of what I've been through, so I'll just stay like this until tomorrow.

The little voices inside of me are hiding.  They feel abandoned by Emily, and don't want to talk to anyone.  They poke their heads out every now and then to tell me "I told you so" and "we knew she'd leave" and "don't talk anymore", but that's it.

So, counselling yesterday was eventful...  Emily's leaving at the end of July.  Apparently, it was a really hard decision, but she's been offered something she can't turn down.

I'm devastated.

She's the first person I've been able to completely trust to talk about anything and everything with, and we've touched on all sorts of things, she knows about the voices inside and she's been wonderful.

She says they'll match me with someone else, and if I want, she can tell the new person all about me...  but it doesn't help.

It still means I have to start over with someone new, and I hate that idea.

I thought I'd try to write a little more from the point of view of these little voices inside me.

There's more than one of them - so far, we found a 13 year old, an 11 year old, a 9 year old and a 7 year old.

The 13 year old is angry at me, and is upset at the situation she's in. She's confused as th abuse has stopped, and she's recently found out that a relationship she enjoyed between her and her grandad involved more than it should.  She doesn't understand why he did those things to her, and she's scared of hurting her grandad, or splitting up the family, and of him going to prison.  She's angry at me for breaking my promises to him, and speaking out, sending him to prison, and breaking up the family.  At the last counselling session, we tried the adult me talking to her to try to explain why I had to speak out, and that made her confused and sad, but she's angry again now.

The 11 year old has just started her periods, and is worried about being abused while on her period, and of the problems that may cause.  She finds the whole thing a bit embarrassing, but doesn't want to have to stop him touching her as that's what he wants.

The 9 year old knows that the abuse hurts sometimes, and she tells grandad when it hurts, but this doesn't stop him. Grandad tells her that she loves him, and he licensed, which is why he does the thing a he does, and she doesn't want to stop that.  She doesn't like the pain though, and now he hurts her more often than not. Sometimes she bleeds after, and that was scary the first few times, especially as she dealt with it by herself.

The 7 year old wants to be loved, and is ecstatic about having a new grandad in her life. She's a bit taken aback with the extra attention, but doesn't think to question it. She's the one who's currently hiding in the rabbit hutch in my recent dream... She feels safe there, and will fight and bite and scream to be left there as she doesn't want to come out.  

This is essentially what came out of my counselling session today.

We spoke about some of the stuff I'd been feeling...  the money, the worry about a year not being long enough, the fact the more we discuss, the more comes up...  and then we got to the little voices.

We got around to this as the littlest voice I have has already planned how to spend the money, but the 13 year old is stressing about why we got it, what it means, and whether or not it's appropriate. 

This lead to further discussion about the voices.  They're so loud at the moment.  The 13 year old is so angry at what I've done.  For the first time, we started a little dialogue, with me telling Emily what the 13 year old part was thinking/feeling/saying, and then the adult part of me being able to reply to her.  It was a bit weird, and I did feel a bit silly, but it did help, and the 13 year old part of me seemed to listen.  Now she seems upset as I've tried to tell her that I had to make the choice I did to save other children, and that she should have been special to him, but in a proper way...  without it being skewed to keep her silence. 

Now, with my counsellor's suggestion, I've bought a notebook that appealed and some coloured pens, and I'm going to try to write out some of this dialogue...  to see where it leads mainly.  I'll keep you posted.

We also spoke about the fact I feel like I'm not coping, and that I want to just grab a couple of close friends, shake them and say "I'm not ok...  I'm struggling here"...  but I'm not sure how I'd explain what's going on.  I mean, little voices, and the way I've been feeling doesn't really explain easily.

For today, this is all I can think about.  I can't try much more today, everything feels too much.  I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of some cliff, and it won't take much more to push me over.  I don't know if it's because I have therapy tomorrow, if it's because I'm tired as it was back to work today...  not sure, just not really coping and feeling like I'm hanging in there by a thread.

This...  at the moment, very much...  this!!  I want to scream at people...  "you think I'm ok, and yet I'm really not".  I want to shout "help me!"  "Help me get through this" and "hold my hand" and "help me stay together" but I can't, and I know I won't.  

I guess over the years, I've got so good at fooling people, and perfecting the mask I wear that no-one notices.  It makes me sad.  I want to reach out and be honest, but I'm scared.  People think I'm strong, and happy...  but I feel weak and sad and low and lonely.  I'm sick of pretending, but I'm scared to stop. 

Thing is, I want someone to listen, and to help me, but I'm not even sure what I'd say.  I just want someone to "get it", but I'm not sure I really know what "it" is. 

I found this today on another blog, and think it's particularly appropriate for how I'm feeling at the moment.  I'm being so hard on myself for not "being over it" and "dwelling on the past".  I'm trying so hard to remember what my counsellor's said about this being a journey, and that it's not over yet.

I think I was hoping that, after the court case, everything would be put to bed.  I thought it would be a few sessions of counselling to put things finally to rest, and that would be it.  It seems though, that the more counselling I have, the more issues are being brought up to deal with.  I worry that I'm running out of time with Emily.  I have less that a year with her left, and what if that's not enough time??  I'm stressing already that everything won't be dealt with, and I'm worried that'll stop me bringing things up to be dealt with at all. 

It's all been a bit funny recently.  A couple of major revelations have come up through counselling, and the latest development is the aware of a compensation payment through the Criminal Injuries Compensation Authority of £22000.

Counselling has been a bit weird and surreal...  we've been talking about the inner child parts of me (yes, you read that right - parts) that are stuck and need help to deal with what they're going through to let them re-integrate, so I can fully heal.

For years, I've been hearing these little voices, only a couple to start, and I never admitted to them as I worried about Multiple Personality Disorder...  well, through lots and lots of reassurance through my counsellor, she's said she doesn't think it's that at all, and just thinks they're parts of me that need working through...  almost important sticking points from how I dealt with being abused.

At first, it was the 11 year old me...  worried about having started my periods, and the possibility of him touching me while bleeding, and I guess on some level, worried about pregnancy.

Then came the 13 year old me...  so much conflict about telling someone about what was going on, especially as it took 6 months after finding out that what he was doing was wrong to actually tell someone.  This part of me didn't want the abuse to happen anymore, but didn't want to upset him either.

Now comes the 9 year old part of me, the one that was raped for the first time.  She remembers pain, and confusion.  She doesn't want to me hurt, but wants to be "good" too.

Also, a 7 year old part of me.  This one came to light via a weird dream, of finding her in a rabbit hutch one morning.  She felt safe and happy in the hutch with my rabbit Nibbles, and didn't want to come out.  I tried to drag her out, but she kicked and screamed and bit and fought all the time I was holding her.  I remember in the dream calling someone (maybe Social Services?) about her, and trying to get her help.  We spend a whole counselling session going over this dream, and the major difference for me now is that rather than ignoring these voices, I want to help them, and am starting to feel compassion towards them, especially the youngest.

So, new "voices" are coming to light...  I still worry that it's a sign of MPD, but I need to be honest with my counsellor if I want to move on with things.

This week, I got a letter from the Criminal Injuries Compensation Authority...  I was advised to apply for compensation for what I went through by the police woman in charge of my court case, and by the Victim Support team...  I did, although not expecting to get anything, and a lengthy wait to find anything out...  anyway, 3 months later, I get a letter this week awarding me £22000..  I really don't know how to feel about it.  I've never had money like that, ever...  so part of my is elated, and I'm already thinking of ways to spend parts of it, and obviously, put a massive chunk into our savings.  I've never been able to contribute financially to our relationship, so this is a good thing.  On the other  hand, however, it kind of feels like payment for services rendered, and in a way, I feel like a whore.  I know that sounds dramatic, but it's been playing on my mind.  Si knows I'm uncomfortable with the money, but not to how much of an extent.  I need to talk to my counsellor desperately.

In good news though, we're off to Eurodisney in a few hours.  It's a massive surprise for the kids...  we've kept it a secret for months, and are leaving it until they work out where we're going for themselves.  We've told them we're staying overnight at my Auntie's...  which they've got excited about...  I can't wait until we meet Si's parents at the Eurostar terminal, and they work out what's really going on!!

Am trying this #100happydays thing on Facebook...  I really want to try and get something positive to think about... 

Today...  #‎100happydays‬ Day 1 Working with preschoolers, and being given a daisy by one of them

Was feeling really low this morning...  was only 7.15am, and already I didn't want to continue with the day :-(

In the end, I got called into work to cover someone, which actually helped lift my mood...  nothing like being surrounded by excited preschoolers, some of which give you daisies :-)  Then it was a nice afternoon round Candy's - she made me lunch, and we shared brownies. 

Really struggling at the moment.  Hardly sleeping.  Counselling is so hard.  It feels like we've covered such a lot in such a short space of time.  It's great as we've really connected, but the bumpy ride is really kicking my butt!  Sleep is really suffering... I can't get to sleep before 3am or so, and then flashbacks and nightmares are rampant. They're there during the day too. I'm having issues staying present sometimes and I don't like it.  

We've worked out that the two flashbacks that are plaguing me are two important ones... the first time he raped me, and the last time he tried to abuse me - which was when I shouted at him and wouldn't let him touch me.

Counselling yesterday was very tough going.  We spoke in detail about the grooming process, and put down a proper timeline for how everything happened...  it was horrible.

More later, need to stay together for now as the kids are up.

I've been feeling a bit better, although I'm finding my mood is still quite changeable. 

I tried contacting someone who's also prosecuted their abuser, resulting in a jail term, in the hope he could help me understand some of my feelings.  All it's ended up in is me realising I'm *wanting* someone to tell me how horrible I've been by putting an old man in jail.  I guess that's progress in some way.  I want people to think of me as badly as I do of myself for this decision.  I'm trying to take in the rational idea that it's not me that needs to be thought badly of, but it's really, really hard.  I still frequently think of him sat all alone in his cell, and it makes me sad.  Don't get me wrong, I do feel proud of myself for stopping him from abusing anyone else, but sometimes the sadness outweighs it. 

The Easter holidays are coming to a close, and I'll be happy to get back to work, and get the kids back to school.  I'm craving some alone time without the kids.  It sounds awful, but I'm back to being just "mummy" again, and I love my job.

I've just read about rape in a fanfiction story, and it's got me thinking about what happened to me, as usual.  I still hate the fact that he was my "first" everything - kiss, touch, sex...  it's horrible.  I know that will never change, so I need to try and accept it, and grieve for what he took from me.

Feeling low, angry and agitated all at the same time. 

Being with the kids all day every day is taking it's toll.  I always struggling in the holidays.  It's like, when I'm out with people, all's good, but as soon as I'm home, I'm low and feeling tearful and emotional again.  Maybe it's the lack of space, I'm just not sure.

Today, Niamh's off to Nanny and Grandad's for the night, and they're off out for her birthday treat, and Rob, Sally & Alexander are due here for the weekend...  we're discussing an event we're going to be running in the future.  Si's ill though, so I'm not sure what's going to be happening now.

Maybe, when I drop Niamh off, I'll grab some baking stuff from Sainsburys...  baking tends to be my feel good place, so it might help.

Counselling today was tough.

Over the last few days, I've felt increasingly emotional and agitated.  It's got rough at some points, and I've felt aggressive towards the kids over silly things (not that I'd ever hit them or anything, of course...) or ready to burst into tears at the drop of a hat.

So, today came and it was a nightmare getting to the session itself as traffic was horrific for some unknown reason.  I was 10 minutes late in the end, but it was still worth it.

We worked out that my agitation was anger that I'm uncomfortable with feeling. 

We talked about what happened at sentencing, and she was pleased with me for going, and said it was a brave (and big) step.  I told her that when I looked at my grandad, he didn't seem so scary anymore, and the lack of emotion he showed during the sentencing process has shifted some of my feelings towards him.  It was like, part of me was hoping he'd look upset, or remorseful, or mouth "I'm sorry"...  but nothing, no recognition, no apology, no acknowledgement of just how much damage what he did to me caused, and is still causing.

I told her about comments the prosecution barrister, and the judge pulled from my VIS, and how they spoke about how skewed my perceptions were by the actions of my grandad.  They acknowledged through their words how profound an impact this has had on me, and they openly commented on how I still had a way to go to put things right.  They used a Winston Churchill quote - "This is not the end, but the beginning of the end".  That seemed to help my mum realise that it's not over for me yet.  Yes, the court case is finished, he's in jail, but I still have things to process, and work through, and try to put to rest. 

At the moment I keep thinking "What has he done?"  I think about not only the physical side of the abuse, but the lies he told, and how he's programmed me for his own well being.  We've said that net time we meet, we'll talk more about the grooming process, and how he got me ready for the abuse before he started abusing me. 

The whole idea of grooming makes him  more predatory in nature, and seem more sinister somehow.  I really wanted to hang on to the idea that I was special to him, but he showed no recognition of that in the court room.  I feel now that I was a convenience, rather than a relationship that was good for me.  I was everything he needed, and he didn't care what was good for me.  It hurts to think about the manipulative side of him...  to realise that it was a cold, calculated decision to start abusing me.

Emily asked what I'd like to ask him if I could, and all I could think of was "Why?" but I'd never get a real answer, and she suggested that through my recent realisations, perhaps I already have my answers, even if I don't like them...  I agreed that she was probably right.  The answer is that I was convenient, and an easy target.  He didn't do it for love, or trust, or a "normal" relationship.  He was interested in a two-way, genuine loving relationship...  he wanted to have me in a place where he could abuse me, and I wouldn't suspect it was anything out of the ordinary, so I wouldn't even think of speaking out.  He made me  believe it was because he loved me, because he was lonely, because it was enjoyable, because he had chosen me as I was his "good girl"... but it wasn't.  He lied.  That hurts.  How can you lie to a 6/7 year old  girl, and lie with such devastating consequences?  How is that fair? 

Every morning, I wake up to the very first thought of him sat alone in his cell.  It makes me sad, because I put him there.  I'm trying to think of just what he's capable of, and it's the only way that I can keep people safe from him.  I feel guilty for the decision I made, even though I know it had to be done.

Sentencing

So, on Thursday was sentencing day for my abuser following him being charged with multiple counts at the trial in March.

After an intense counselling session the day before, I decided to go, but only if my husband could come as I knew he would be my protector - throughout this whole police investigation process, we've become ever closer, and now I know he can wrap me in his arms and I'm safe from everything. In our discussion, it came out that perhaps seeing him again in that environment would help me realise that it's not my fault, and that he cant hurt me anymore. After all, if I was to blame for what happened, I'd be the one on the stand, not him.

So, after some frantic phone calls to arrange child care and time off work for both Si and myself, it was all sorted.

Sleep that night was fitful, but I did at least get some sleep, and we got up at 5am to leave at 6am to get there on time.

Well, traffic on route was awful, and what should have been a 2 hour journey ended up taking nearly double. We made it with just 10 mins to spare.

Through court security, and I was then massively relieved to see my mum and Trish (the lead officer) waiting for me. Lots of hugs were had, and then talks about my Victim Impact Statement and what to expect in Court. 

It turned out that although my VIS was over 3 pages, they didnt want to cut it down as it was one of the best VIS's they'd seen. Apparently, it was descriptive and hard hitting, describing the massive impact he'd had. They concentrated on the fact he'd left me with such skewed beliefs of love, trust and sense of self. The summing up by my barrister and the judge's comments were amazing. It felt like finally someone realised the massive scale of what damage this man and what he did to me has done. It spoke of what I've been left to deal with, and the fact that some of this legacy may never go away.

I did look at him a few times. He's now 72, and he looks it. He sat behind that glass with his arms folded, and showed no emotion or remorse as anyone was talking.

Si tells me he thinks the judge let his feelings be known when he practically growled at him to "get up" before he gave his sentence.

Things were a little complicated as the law changed in 2003 around child abuse charges, and related sentences, so the judge had to consider both the laws from the 1956 act, and what came into force in 2003.

The judge said he had taken both acts into account, his age, and his "good character". He got different sentences for each charge, but they're to run concurrently (at the same time). He got 14 years for multiple rape of a child under the age of 13. The way things work, he'll serve 7. After that though, a Sexual Offenders Protection Order comes in, which states he can't have contact with girls under the age of 16 for 10 years. After that, he's still on the Sex Offenders Register for life.

I still feel bad about the jail time, but try to tell myself that I didn't put him there... It wasn't my decision.

The SOPO is amazing, and I didn't know they existed. I wish it covered both boys and girls, but I guess you can't have everything.

So, for 7 years he won't have access to kids, then for another 10 years he can't see girls, and by then he'll be 89. He can't hurt anyone else now. I did it. I'm keeping everyone safe. He can't hide behind a normal life now. Everyone will know what he is, and what he's capable of.

I woke up this morning thinking about him alone in his cell, and nearly cried. I know I've got work go do and issues go sort out, but my counsellor will help with that.

Baby steps now, but it feels like the beginning of the end.

Spent a lot of time feeling sad and low.  Last night it seemed to get worse and my motivation suffered.  Baking fairy cakes for Niamh's party really helped.  This morning I feel calmer and happier, and my head feels a but clearer.  Maybe things are changing for the better? 

Weigh in at SW last night as I can't make Saturday and I maintained, which is good as we ate out twice last weekend, had a Chinese Tuesday night and Monday was a coffee morning which involved cheese scones and cake!!

Counselling yesterday saw a fundamental shift in a belief system I've determinedly and desperately clung on to for over 20 years.  This massive shift has been both extremely painful and incredibly disorientating.  Today, my mood has been changeable - sometimes I've felt sad, other times calm and focused, but some of the time I've felt like I'm floating, and it's almost like I'm not here at all.  I'm really struggling with these changes and it's difficult to process.

Yesterday, Emily and I started trying to change the way in which I regard my grandad, and with that, the way I feel about him.  This way I've clung on to for 20 or so years though is the way I've coped, and it's kept me sane.  The idea of changing it now is absolutely terrifying.

It all stems from the way he made me feel when the abuse was happening, and the way I felt after the disclosure to my parents about what had been going on.  What didn't help was that the emphasis on protection was placed on him rather than me by my family, so the way I dealt with it, and how I felt was strongly affected by that.

For years, I've clung to beliefs that he didn't mean to hurt me, and that he didn't know what he was doing was wrong.  As for our relationship, everything started at a time where new family bonds were forming, and I desperately wanted to be liked/loved by my new grandparents.  I loved him dearly, and for years he seemed to be the focus of my childhood as he made me feel special and wanted.  I believed he was touching me as I was his special girl and loved me perhaps more than the other children in the family.  I believed his every word - when he told me he was hugging, kissing, touching me and even having sex because he loved and and I was his "good girl" and "special".  I believed I was in a normal relationship and that what was happening was normal behaviour - to the extent that I couldn't understand why others weren't doing the same things, and thinking that they didn't really love me.

Yesterday was a lovely lunch at Frankie & Benny's with the wonderful Paul and Karen, and then back to ours for card games with the kids.  It was a bit traumatic in the morning when some friends pulled out, which meant it ended up just being us and Paul and Karen, but oh well, it was lovely anyway.

This morning, the kids are slowly getting ready for school, and I'm off to a coffee morning in my honour for my birthday!  I know, it feels weird as my birthday was 10 days ago, and it's Niamh's birthday tomorrow, but the school mummies organised it!  LOL  I think it's a mix of my birthday, and post-trial celebrations, and it involves cake, so who am I to argue!

Tomorrow, Niamh is 5 and we have a few friends over for tea for her birthday, and this week will be a bit chaotic as she has a party for her friends on Saturday (28 of them!) and then a birthday party for Si's family at nanny's house on Sunday.

More later...

Today, sat in the sun at Bedgebury, things are looking somewhat brighter.  The kids are playing in the park as I write this, and it's lovely being sat out in the sunshine. 

I had a surprise phone call last night from my Auntie Mandy - she's my step-dad's sister-in-law.  My grandad tried to rape her one evening, but my nan walked in and interrupted him.  As a result, they've distanced themselves from the family and now live in Canada.  She was full of congratulations for getting through the court case, and saying how she hopes he now rots in jail for what he did to us.  In some ways, I'm angry at her for not coming forward during the police investigation as it would have strengthened my case.  I can't keep thinking of the 'what if's' and maybe's' though - things are as they are. 

During the conversation, it came out that despite making attempts during the trial to patch things up with me, my step-dad has been over my grandad's house every day since the trial "calming them down" and "helping them sort things out".  That's made my heart sink to be honest.  I spoke to my mum about it and she think he'll be just being there for my nan (his mum), and that doesn't mean he's on his side.  I'm  not sure what to think/feel/believe.  It makes me feel even more guilty for the course of action I've taken.  It makes me worry about what the custodial sentence he's facing will do to my nan.  She's never been without him, and she's been so far in denial about his behaviour that she believes I was "temptation in his way".  Also though, I was hoping my step-dad would uphold the fact he says he believes me and that he's on my side - how can he be if he's supporting them daily, and I haven't heard a word?

Counselling yesterday was tough going.  We talked a lot through -

• about my difficulties/reluctant to talk about the abuse
• the feelings I have towards my grandad and my perception of him
• the way my family reacted to my two disclosures of abuse
• about how I'm still protecting him
• about whether or not I should have spoke out about the abuse in the first place
• about the nightmares
• about how I still don't feel safe from him
• about some aspects of the trial
• about the grooming process I went through
• about the "little girl" part of me is still stuck - the Court Case did nothing for her

It's amazing some of the links that Emily's making - I mean we have spoke about the reasons I struggle to talk about the abuse.  I had said that when I spoke to my parents about what was going on with the boy at school, everything changed rapidly.  Although, thinking about it now, maybe my family had no choice to react the way they did as the first person I told was a teacher at school - so, by the time my parents found out, wheels were already in motion.  Anyway, with Chris (the boy at school) I told them he was touching me inappropriately under the tables at school and they fought to  have him expelled and moved schools as the school's initial plan of keeping us in separate classes so I didn't have to see him failed.  They fought to protect me from him.  However, 6 months later when I told them about my grandad, and told them it was "worse than the kid at school", all hell broke loose.  Looking back now, the emphasis was on protection was put on him rather than me.  They spoke of jail and police and breaking up the family if I told anyone what happened to me.  I was told not to say anything at school because it would then be "out of their hands".  Everyone was very upset, but no-one mentioned him being the cause of the upset and chaos, or that he should have done it - I made the mess by speaking out, and I felt that if I said anything I would upset people more, potentially break up the family and get my grandad sent to jail.  I remember feeling very worried that I'd upset my grandad, so the best way to calm everyone down was to promise not to talk about it again, and I wrote my grandad a letter promising things, and telling him that I knew he didn't mean it, that I knew he didn't mean to hurt me, and that I still loved him.  Promises like I would never talk about it again, I wouldn't talk to the police, I didn't want him to go to jail and I remember apologising for speaking out and causing all this mess.  Nothing was really dealt with.  I know now that they did confront him and he admitted to abusing me but as I refused to tell them what he'd actually done to me, he never admitted to anything in particular.  Things quickly returned to normal - the only different being that I didn't have to go over to his house with the family, and I was allowed to stay in my room when he came over.  Now, I realise that this meant I was the one being excluded, not him.  My life had to absorb all the changes, whereas normality stayed for him.

Considering all of this, it's no wonder I'm still so reluctant to speak out.  It's been drummed into me that if I do, it'll spell trouble for me, my grandad and the rest of the family.  It also means breaking the promises I made to him.  (Of course, the "little" part of me is petrified because I have spoken to the police, and he is going to jail.)

Looking at how I feel about him/my perception of him - this all gets a bit complicated.  Emily thinks I still look at him as I did when I was being abused - I love him, I want to protect him and want to believe that he can't have known what he was doing, or meant to hurt me.  I can't process yet that although I know I was abused, if I look at his face in my mind, I don't want to think that he was the one who hurt me.  The court case had made me think that he did mean it, and he knew what he was doing, which is hard.  I want to believe that he was being nice to me as he wanted to have a nice relationship with me - but really, there was nothing innocent about it - he was grooming me.  He took advantage of a vulnerable child, and of the fact I had a new step-family and wanted to be liked/loved by them.  I keep trying to think about the manipulative side of the relationship to move my opinion of  him, and ease the guilt I feel for reporting him to the police, but it's hard.  Part of me really wants to believe I was special to him for the right reasons.  It's so hard to think about him in a negative light.  I think though, I need to get to the point of being upset and angry with him to show I'm reacting properly to what happened.  If I'm talking to a friend who's been abused, I can get really angry towards their abuser, but I can't feel that way about my grandad.

Trish has emailed me about my Victim Impact Statement - basically, it's something I had to write about how the abuse has affected the life of me and my family, and it's read out by my barrister at the sentencing hearing.  All I need to do is reply to say I'm happy for it to be read out, but I'm stalling.  It's scary because I've hidden behind this "I'm ok" mask for so long, but in this statement I tell them what it's really been like for the last 20 or so years, and that's a really vulnerable feeling.

Sleep is still an issue most nights - I'm going to bed late, and having disturbed sleep and nightmares due to things playing on my mind, and then it's waking me up early too.  I'm exhausted, and the weekend's over already.  I just want to curl up under a blanket with a cup of tea for a few days!  Like hibernate or something!

Thoughts/feelings/questions since the Court Case...

Don't like the fact he's facing a custodial sentence

• broken promises
• he might get hurt
• people might think badly of him
• does he hate me?
• what he did was wrong (need to try to work through this)

He lied to me

• did he love me?
• it wasn't ok
• he shouldn't have told me I had to "stand in"
• did I enjoy it?

He knew what he was doing was wrong

• he needs to take the blame
• it wasn't my fault
• he lied to me
• the Jury could see this, so could the police
• it should never had happened
• I should  have had a normal, innocent relationship
• I shouldn't have learned about sex that way 

He's a child abuser

• potential to re-offend
• a bad person?  predator?  (hard to think about)
• glad it was only me
• I wasn't special, just an easy target

Did I enjoy it?

• it wasn't ok, it was wrong
• feel bad that it was pleasurable sometimes (a natural response to what was happening to my body, but shouldn't have been happening to it)
• not fair that rape was my sex ed
• I hate that he was my first everything (kiss/touch/virginity)

Sense of accomplishment

• I got through it
• I've protected other children
• made sure the cycle has stopped
• I did it - I was the only witness to come forward, and my evidence was enough

Broken promises

• does he hate me?
• should I have said anything?
• loyalty to me/him?
• need to remember promises were broken on both sides
• promises were inappropriate/shouldn't have been necessary

No other memories of childhood except the abuse

• feels like he's stolen it away
• worried I'll never remember the nice things

Inner child issues

• feel torn
• sometimes feel I'm 9/10/11 and don't understand what's happening/want it to stop but don't want to upset him
• the little girl feels sad, lost and scared

Overwhelming

• where to start?
• what's important?
• am I over-reacting?
• will it ever go away?
• will I be normal?
• will it get worse again?
• fear of flashbacks/nightmares

It's the early hours of Tuesday morning, and I've been awake since 3am.  Not entirely sure why, but I've given up trying to sleep and thought I'd make a start on this new, now public, journal.

Last week, Friday 28th February, something phenomenal shifted in my life.  At 3.40pm, I found out that following a traumatic week in Court, a jury unanimously found my grandad guilty of a number of multiple charges of indecent assault and rape of a minor.  This drew to an end an 18-month long police investigation that consisted of lots of delays and complications.

I still feel kind of numb about the whole things.  I feel bad that he's looking at jail time (the judge said "lengthy", and our barrister reckons that could mean double figures).  He goes back on 3rd April for sentencing.  More importantly for me however, this means he'll be on the Sex Offenders Register for life.

Victim Impact Statement (to be read out at sentencing on 3rd April)

How do I start to put into words how dealing with the abuse my supposed grandfather put me through?  How can I describe what it’s been like these past twenty years not talking about something that should never have happened?  The task of removing the mask of pretence and actually letting people find out how I’ve been affected is a daunting one as, for twenty years, I’ve hidden behind a mask of “I’m ok”, and “nothing’s wrong”. 

The abuse itself was never on threat of someone’s life, or “If you tell I’ll...”, on the contrary, it was under the guise and pretence of love and normality.  While the abuse itself was going on, I had no reason to believe anything out of the ordinary was going on.  This has lead to many, many feelings of blame and guilt and shame that I’m still dealing with, I mean, how could I *not* have realised something was wrong, or could have I done something differently so he didn’t do ‘it’ to me?  It’s all the “what if’s” and “buts” and “maybes” that I’ve continued to torture myself with over the years.  I’m not even going to go into the shame of realising you’ve been enjoying things your abuser was doing to you – I mean, part of me knows that the body is programmed to enjoy certain things, and that’s normal...  the thing that wasn’t normal was that it started at the age of 6, and was being done to me by my grandfather.  The blame, even now, lies with me, and not with my abuser.  My counsellor tells me I’m not to blame, and I was only a child, and I didn’t *do* anything wrong.  I hope that, one day, I’ll believe her. 

I still remember now, sitting in the PSHE lesson at school, and finding out that what was going on was wrong.  I felt horrified.  I’d been lied to.  I thought there must’ve been some mistake – there was no way my grandfather would have been abusing me, he couldn’t have known it was wrong either.  There’s no way he meant to hurt me, did he?  I mean, he told me he loved me – did this mean he didn’t really love me?  Did I do something to make it start?  Should I have stopped it sooner?  How could I have believed him?  These feelings and questions are one’s I’m still battling with. 

When I told my family, and everything turned to chaos, I knew I’d been the one to make this mess, and so had to fix it.  I wrote my grandfather a letter, which apologised for telling anyone about what had happened, and saying I wouldn’t talk to the police as I didn’t want him going to jail, and that I loved him, and knew he never meant to hurt me. 

Everything stayed buried for years.  Until my mid to late teens, everything was fine.  I’ve been depressed on and off since the age of 16, and have been on anti-depressant medication on and off repeatedly – and now, have been on medication for depression continuously for 9 years, and anxiety for 2 years, only coming off of the medication to have my children.  I have even been unable to breastfeed as going back onto medication to ensure my mental stability was considered more important.  I have had severe mood swings, so much so that the first psychiatrist I saw believed I was bipolar.  Later, this diagnosis was changed to one of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and anxiety related to unresolved issues surrounding the abuse I suffered as a child. 

Dealing with the abuse, and its repercussions initially began in 6-monthly cycles.  I’d have a period of 6 months when things were awful, and I struggled to cope, I was low, felt desperate, had constant flashbacks, and didn’t want to leave the house.  For the other 6-months though, everything was ok – as soon as I’d managed to put all the memories and thoughts and feelings back in a big box in my mind, and close the lid again. 

Until the age of 19, I kept promises made to my grandfather, and didn’t talk to anyone about the abuse.  I was bound to him by his professed love for me, and wanting to keep him happy and not “rocking the boat” for my family.  Things were very dark at times, and the periods of having to deal with the abuse grew longer, and I sought out psychiatric help recommended by my GP, and counselling, and then individual and group therapy.

I tried counselling while at university, but found myself too tongue-tied to talk about any details of the abuse at all – I couldn’t betray my grandfather’s trust and love.

Things reached their peak for me in the summer of 2012 when my step-father had a heart attack and I saw my grandfather over his hospital bed.  That visit, where my abuser did nothing except sit in a chair across from me, led to some kind of breakdown.  Suddenly, not only were the flashbacks difficult to deal with, but they were so constant that some days it felt I was stuck in the past for longer than I was in the present.  Even the most mundane day to day activities were difficult – I’d come to from a flashback, and realise I was stood hanging out the washing, with a peg in my hand, and find that I’d lost 10 or 20 minutes of time.  Things got so bad that I was suicidal, for the second time in my life.  This time though, my husband stepped in, and when the NHS couldn’t help, took me to a private psychiatrist, who listened to my story, encouraged me to explain what was truly going on, and made a new diagnosis and recommended a wonderful therapist. Through those two people, Jeremy Broadhead and Andy Flack, things slowly became bearable again. 

Therapy with Andy Flack meant talking around my feelings about the abuse, and EMDR therapy to help cope with flashbacks.  It helped my levels of anxiety and panic become bearable, and I could begin to live again.  I couldn’t share any physical details of what happened to me, of what my grandfather did to me, as I felt too ashamed, and embarrassed that I let him do that to me.  It became apparent, however, that I felt very responsible for incidents that happened to others since my abuse, and felt I wasn’t protecting the children in my abuser’s life now.

When I spoke to the police in 2012, it was the first time I told anyone other than my husband my “story”.  It was the first time I had to tell someone every little detail of what happened to me.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  It terrified me to consider what another person may think of me if they knew – I felt different to other people, I felt dirty and ashamed.  I didn’t do it for me though, I did it to protect other children in my family that my grandfather, my abuser, still has regular contact with.  I did it because members of my family don’t believe him to be a threat any more.  I believe differently, and because I’m desperate to protect those children, I had to act.  This is what drove me to find the strength to take the action I have, and it’s what had given me the courage to stand up in court and do what needed to be done. 

Over the years I’ve had to work out the ‘triggers’ for my flashbacks – things like Extra Strong Mints, the ‘Top of the Pops’ theme tune and ‘Old Spice’.  I’ve had to learn to avoid things that can make me feel like I’m back there all over again. 

 

My family have had to bear the brunt of my mood swings – some days, it causes me flashbacks even to let my children touch me.  On those days, they can’t have cuddles, or sit on my lap.  They put up with me when I’m tearful, when I’m irrationally depressed, or when I’m irritable.  My husband has been my rock for the last 10 years or so, and has seen me at my best and at my worst.  Without him, I don’t know where I’d be.  He’s made sure I take my meds when things are particularly tough, he’s distracted me from self-harming, he’s taken time off work when I can’t cope, and done more than his fair share around the house and with our children when I just couldn’t do it.

I’m hoping that through this reporting process, I can finally tell my story in its entirety, and start to get some closure on the abuse I’ve suffered, and all its related issues.  I’ve recently restarted counselling, and hope through the new relationship I’ve made with my counsellor, this matter can be finally be put to rest, and after spending 28 years of my life so far under the control of my grandfather, I can break those chains and start to live.