Counselling yesterday was very tough going.  We spoke in detail about the grooming process, and put down a proper timeline for how everything happened...  it was horrible.

More later, need to stay together for now as the kids are up.

I've been feeling a bit better, although I'm finding my mood is still quite changeable. 

I tried contacting someone who's also prosecuted their abuser, resulting in a jail term, in the hope he could help me understand some of my feelings.  All it's ended up in is me realising I'm *wanting* someone to tell me how horrible I've been by putting an old man in jail.  I guess that's progress in some way.  I want people to think of me as badly as I do of myself for this decision.  I'm trying to take in the rational idea that it's not me that needs to be thought badly of, but it's really, really hard.  I still frequently think of him sat all alone in his cell, and it makes me sad.  Don't get me wrong, I do feel proud of myself for stopping him from abusing anyone else, but sometimes the sadness outweighs it. 

The Easter holidays are coming to a close, and I'll be happy to get back to work, and get the kids back to school.  I'm craving some alone time without the kids.  It sounds awful, but I'm back to being just "mummy" again, and I love my job.

I've just read about rape in a fanfiction story, and it's got me thinking about what happened to me, as usual.  I still hate the fact that he was my "first" everything - kiss, touch, sex...  it's horrible.  I know that will never change, so I need to try and accept it, and grieve for what he took from me.

Feeling low, angry and agitated all at the same time. 

Being with the kids all day every day is taking it's toll.  I always struggling in the holidays.  It's like, when I'm out with people, all's good, but as soon as I'm home, I'm low and feeling tearful and emotional again.  Maybe it's the lack of space, I'm just not sure.

Today, Niamh's off to Nanny and Grandad's for the night, and they're off out for her birthday treat, and Rob, Sally & Alexander are due here for the weekend...  we're discussing an event we're going to be running in the future.  Si's ill though, so I'm not sure what's going to be happening now.

Maybe, when I drop Niamh off, I'll grab some baking stuff from Sainsburys...  baking tends to be my feel good place, so it might help.

Counselling today was tough.

Over the last few days, I've felt increasingly emotional and agitated.  It's got rough at some points, and I've felt aggressive towards the kids over silly things (not that I'd ever hit them or anything, of course...) or ready to burst into tears at the drop of a hat.

So, today came and it was a nightmare getting to the session itself as traffic was horrific for some unknown reason.  I was 10 minutes late in the end, but it was still worth it.

We worked out that my agitation was anger that I'm uncomfortable with feeling. 

We talked about what happened at sentencing, and she was pleased with me for going, and said it was a brave (and big) step.  I told her that when I looked at my grandad, he didn't seem so scary anymore, and the lack of emotion he showed during the sentencing process has shifted some of my feelings towards him.  It was like, part of me was hoping he'd look upset, or remorseful, or mouth "I'm sorry"...  but nothing, no recognition, no apology, no acknowledgement of just how much damage what he did to me caused, and is still causing.

I told her about comments the prosecution barrister, and the judge pulled from my VIS, and how they spoke about how skewed my perceptions were by the actions of my grandad.  They acknowledged through their words how profound an impact this has had on me, and they openly commented on how I still had a way to go to put things right.  They used a Winston Churchill quote - "This is not the end, but the beginning of the end".  That seemed to help my mum realise that it's not over for me yet.  Yes, the court case is finished, he's in jail, but I still have things to process, and work through, and try to put to rest. 

At the moment I keep thinking "What has he done?"  I think about not only the physical side of the abuse, but the lies he told, and how he's programmed me for his own well being.  We've said that net time we meet, we'll talk more about the grooming process, and how he got me ready for the abuse before he started abusing me. 

The whole idea of grooming makes him  more predatory in nature, and seem more sinister somehow.  I really wanted to hang on to the idea that I was special to him, but he showed no recognition of that in the court room.  I feel now that I was a convenience, rather than a relationship that was good for me.  I was everything he needed, and he didn't care what was good for me.  It hurts to think about the manipulative side of him...  to realise that it was a cold, calculated decision to start abusing me.

Emily asked what I'd like to ask him if I could, and all I could think of was "Why?" but I'd never get a real answer, and she suggested that through my recent realisations, perhaps I already have my answers, even if I don't like them...  I agreed that she was probably right.  The answer is that I was convenient, and an easy target.  He didn't do it for love, or trust, or a "normal" relationship.  He was interested in a two-way, genuine loving relationship...  he wanted to have me in a place where he could abuse me, and I wouldn't suspect it was anything out of the ordinary, so I wouldn't even think of speaking out.  He made me  believe it was because he loved me, because he was lonely, because it was enjoyable, because he had chosen me as I was his "good girl"... but it wasn't.  He lied.  That hurts.  How can you lie to a 6/7 year old  girl, and lie with such devastating consequences?  How is that fair? 

Every morning, I wake up to the very first thought of him sat alone in his cell.  It makes me sad, because I put him there.  I'm trying to think of just what he's capable of, and it's the only way that I can keep people safe from him.  I feel guilty for the decision I made, even though I know it had to be done.

Sentencing

So, on Thursday was sentencing day for my abuser following him being charged with multiple counts at the trial in March.

After an intense counselling session the day before, I decided to go, but only if my husband could come as I knew he would be my protector - throughout this whole police investigation process, we've become ever closer, and now I know he can wrap me in his arms and I'm safe from everything. In our discussion, it came out that perhaps seeing him again in that environment would help me realise that it's not my fault, and that he cant hurt me anymore. After all, if I was to blame for what happened, I'd be the one on the stand, not him.

So, after some frantic phone calls to arrange child care and time off work for both Si and myself, it was all sorted.

Sleep that night was fitful, but I did at least get some sleep, and we got up at 5am to leave at 6am to get there on time.

Well, traffic on route was awful, and what should have been a 2 hour journey ended up taking nearly double. We made it with just 10 mins to spare.

Through court security, and I was then massively relieved to see my mum and Trish (the lead officer) waiting for me. Lots of hugs were had, and then talks about my Victim Impact Statement and what to expect in Court. 

It turned out that although my VIS was over 3 pages, they didnt want to cut it down as it was one of the best VIS's they'd seen. Apparently, it was descriptive and hard hitting, describing the massive impact he'd had. They concentrated on the fact he'd left me with such skewed beliefs of love, trust and sense of self. The summing up by my barrister and the judge's comments were amazing. It felt like finally someone realised the massive scale of what damage this man and what he did to me has done. It spoke of what I've been left to deal with, and the fact that some of this legacy may never go away.

I did look at him a few times. He's now 72, and he looks it. He sat behind that glass with his arms folded, and showed no emotion or remorse as anyone was talking.

Si tells me he thinks the judge let his feelings be known when he practically growled at him to "get up" before he gave his sentence.

Things were a little complicated as the law changed in 2003 around child abuse charges, and related sentences, so the judge had to consider both the laws from the 1956 act, and what came into force in 2003.

The judge said he had taken both acts into account, his age, and his "good character". He got different sentences for each charge, but they're to run concurrently (at the same time). He got 14 years for multiple rape of a child under the age of 13. The way things work, he'll serve 7. After that though, a Sexual Offenders Protection Order comes in, which states he can't have contact with girls under the age of 16 for 10 years. After that, he's still on the Sex Offenders Register for life.

I still feel bad about the jail time, but try to tell myself that I didn't put him there... It wasn't my decision.

The SOPO is amazing, and I didn't know they existed. I wish it covered both boys and girls, but I guess you can't have everything.

So, for 7 years he won't have access to kids, then for another 10 years he can't see girls, and by then he'll be 89. He can't hurt anyone else now. I did it. I'm keeping everyone safe. He can't hide behind a normal life now. Everyone will know what he is, and what he's capable of.

I woke up this morning thinking about him alone in his cell, and nearly cried. I know I've got work go do and issues go sort out, but my counsellor will help with that.

Baby steps now, but it feels like the beginning of the end.