I've been feeling a bit better, although I'm finding my mood is still quite changeable. 

I tried contacting someone who's also prosecuted their abuser, resulting in a jail term, in the hope he could help me understand some of my feelings.  All it's ended up in is me realising I'm *wanting* someone to tell me how horrible I've been by putting an old man in jail.  I guess that's progress in some way.  I want people to think of me as badly as I do of myself for this decision.  I'm trying to take in the rational idea that it's not me that needs to be thought badly of, but it's really, really hard.  I still frequently think of him sat all alone in his cell, and it makes me sad.  Don't get me wrong, I do feel proud of myself for stopping him from abusing anyone else, but sometimes the sadness outweighs it. 

The Easter holidays are coming to a close, and I'll be happy to get back to work, and get the kids back to school.  I'm craving some alone time without the kids.  It sounds awful, but I'm back to being just "mummy" again, and I love my job.

I've just read about rape in a fanfiction story, and it's got me thinking about what happened to me, as usual.  I still hate the fact that he was my "first" everything - kiss, touch, sex...  it's horrible.  I know that will never change, so I need to try and accept it, and grieve for what he took from me.