Counselling today was tough.

Over the last few days, I've felt increasingly emotional and agitated.  It's got rough at some points, and I've felt aggressive towards the kids over silly things (not that I'd ever hit them or anything, of course...) or ready to burst into tears at the drop of a hat.

So, today came and it was a nightmare getting to the session itself as traffic was horrific for some unknown reason.  I was 10 minutes late in the end, but it was still worth it.

We worked out that my agitation was anger that I'm uncomfortable with feeling. 

We talked about what happened at sentencing, and she was pleased with me for going, and said it was a brave (and big) step.  I told her that when I looked at my grandad, he didn't seem so scary anymore, and the lack of emotion he showed during the sentencing process has shifted some of my feelings towards him.  It was like, part of me was hoping he'd look upset, or remorseful, or mouth "I'm sorry"...  but nothing, no recognition, no apology, no acknowledgement of just how much damage what he did to me caused, and is still causing.

I told her about comments the prosecution barrister, and the judge pulled from my VIS, and how they spoke about how skewed my perceptions were by the actions of my grandad.  They acknowledged through their words how profound an impact this has had on me, and they openly commented on how I still had a way to go to put things right.  They used a Winston Churchill quote - "This is not the end, but the beginning of the end".  That seemed to help my mum realise that it's not over for me yet.  Yes, the court case is finished, he's in jail, but I still have things to process, and work through, and try to put to rest. 

At the moment I keep thinking "What has he done?"  I think about not only the physical side of the abuse, but the lies he told, and how he's programmed me for his own well being.  We've said that net time we meet, we'll talk more about the grooming process, and how he got me ready for the abuse before he started abusing me. 

The whole idea of grooming makes him  more predatory in nature, and seem more sinister somehow.  I really wanted to hang on to the idea that I was special to him, but he showed no recognition of that in the court room.  I feel now that I was a convenience, rather than a relationship that was good for me.  I was everything he needed, and he didn't care what was good for me.  It hurts to think about the manipulative side of him...  to realise that it was a cold, calculated decision to start abusing me.

Emily asked what I'd like to ask him if I could, and all I could think of was "Why?" but I'd never get a real answer, and she suggested that through my recent realisations, perhaps I already have my answers, even if I don't like them...  I agreed that she was probably right.  The answer is that I was convenient, and an easy target.  He didn't do it for love, or trust, or a "normal" relationship.  He was interested in a two-way, genuine loving relationship...  he wanted to have me in a place where he could abuse me, and I wouldn't suspect it was anything out of the ordinary, so I wouldn't even think of speaking out.  He made me  believe it was because he loved me, because he was lonely, because it was enjoyable, because he had chosen me as I was his "good girl"... but it wasn't.  He lied.  That hurts.  How can you lie to a 6/7 year old  girl, and lie with such devastating consequences?  How is that fair? 

Every morning, I wake up to the very first thought of him sat alone in his cell.  It makes me sad, because I put him there.  I'm trying to think of just what he's capable of, and it's the only way that I can keep people safe from him.  I feel guilty for the decision I made, even though I know it had to be done.