Feeling a bit lost and at odds today.

The voice is still there, telling me how bad I am, and how HE will never forgive me for breaking my promises and lying to him.

I did some colouring last night and that quietened the voices for a while, and made the other littles happy, so that was nice.

Today I'm making brownies for a friend's birthday bbq this afternoon.  I'm hoping they turn out ok as I'm a bit distracted with the voices in my head!

I feel quite floaty and detached today.  I'm not really sure who's present most - the adult me, or Titch. When it's Titch it's even more confusing as she doesn't know who to believe.

I'm hoping games at my friend's this afternoon will be a distraction from it.

Well...  my counsellor thinks we're dealing with another 'insider' - I can't call them a 'little' as they feel too aggressive and angry and well, they're not young.  Basically, they're trying to make me feel guilty for speaking out and stopping the abuse, for talking out despite promising him I'd never speak about it again, and for breaking my promises and talking to the police which put him in jail.  They're flooding me with sad, desperate and guilty feelings and are sending me lots of images of a sad, lonely man being beaten up in jail, or sat lonely and upset in his cell.  It's really hard.

She's said for now to acknowledge these feelings, and to try to let this 'insider' know I've taken their feelings on board even though the adult me doesn't agree with them. 

I'm hoping it'll calm down some soon.

Dylan's gone to Isle of Wight till Friday with the school so I know I'm anxious about that, but I've been off all weekend and it's just getting worse.

Baking isn't helping. I've ordered some new colouring pens in the hope that they might help me shake this but I don't want to do *anything*. I had to be talked into baking at work with the kids today and when I got back after picking Niamh up from school today, Si was home so I went to bed for 2 hours and slept even though I wasn't tired. I don't want to eat or anything.

Counselling's tomorrow after a 2 week break but I'm just not in the mood.

One up coming thing I can think of is the bowel clinic on Wednesday as I've been having some issues, but Si is coming to that with me so I'm not sure.