Internal family...

 13 - Titch - hates me for speaking out about the abuse, both as a child and as an adult

10 - Janie  - always scared and anxious

9 - Clairabelle/Belle - the happy, content part who loves it when I'm working with preschoolers, or playing with my kids

7 - seems shy, hasn't been around much

?? - rabbit hutch

It's been so long!

 I've just found this blog I'd completely forgotten about!

It's been several years since I last posted, but I'm glad I've found my previous ramblings so I can start adding to them again.

So...  nothing's much changed internally...  I'm still dealing with Titch, Belle, Janie and perhaps another who the other's don't let surface.

I'm back in therapy with Oya as since my abuser was released from prison I've been thrown for a bit of a loop.

Initially I was extremely anxious. We've installed a RING doorbell so I can see who's at the door, and I now have a personal alarm in my bag.  I've been uneasy being left downstairs on my own, and had panic attacks leaving for work, and even getting out of the car in the car park there.

I'm feeling less anxious now, and I've been talking with Oya about how to reach out to Titch as she's very angry with me about putting my abuser in prison, and for breaking up their relationship.  I've written a couple of letters to her and she's replied just once, but it was really shouty and angry and she's basically said that she hates me.  

I'm trying to hang on the fact that at least she's responding to me, but it's hard dealing with the angry outbursts.

I'm trying.

I'm feeling very emotional and needy today.

I think it's fair to say that Titch has had her world turned upside down and she's devastated. To say she's sad doesn't do what she's feeling justice. It's like she's inconsolable. I just want to grab her in a hug and tell her everything's ok and she's safe now but I'm scared.

So, I don't even know where to begin. I haven't posted on here for so long!!

The Social Services stuff is still hanging over us. We're currently on a Child Protection plan as they believe my son to be a threat to my daughter. The YOS recommended a referral to the Maudsley back in May but we're still waiting for Social Services to sort that referral. I'm chasing it from every angle at the moment and getting nowhere fast. The Child Protection Review is at the end of the month and nothing's changed. I'm livid. I can't do anything to get us off this CP plan but SS aren't doing anything either. It's like, if he's a risk then do something about it... If he's not then fuck off and leave us alone. Sorry for the language!!

Then we have the fact my counselling's finished. I last saw Oya two weeks ago today. I miss her and my safe space so much. My littles are so quiet as they feel she's abandoned them and nothing I say makes them feel better. They don't want me talking to anyone in case they can't handle it and leave too. It hurts too much.

I feel like I don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm low, and having huge problems sleeping. My mind just won't shut off. I can't hear anything clearly though so I can't do anything about the unrest and agitation.

My heart hurts and my body's tired and I've just had enough of everything, but I'm not sure what 'everything' is. I feel like I'm barely hanging on to coping... Work's emotional with all the new starters and the littles don't like the crying.

I played a game round a friend's last night and making our characters freaked out the littles as they sounded scary and we had to choose to be one for our role in the game... We have a few weeks left of the game yet too. I feel silly as it shouldn't matter but it was really difficult last night. It felt like my skin was crawling when the others described themselves. I was a dhampir as it was the most human sounding one... Think vampire, so I have to drink blood... Dreading it.

Everything is really hard.

Not even sure where to begin. Struggling right now - everyone is upset and scared. One voice says they're right - but this is a new voice, so I don't know whether to listen.

Dylan's been displaying some "unusual sexual behaviour" (a Social Services term, not mine!)... Basically Si found him playing mummies and daddies with Niamh and he'd been touching her over her underwear, and then a couple of months later we found out they'd been a handful of occasions of him doing the same to a girl across the road, who's 9. Dylan's 12.

We dealt with it with the neighbours and they were happy that it had been dealt with appropriately... We basically read Dylan the riot act. We'd said he shouldn't do that after the incident with Niamh but we really went to town after this latest thing. I also checked with my boss after each thing as she's my safeguarding/child protection contact. With her help we put some measures into place and we thought that was the end of it. We basically threatened Dylan with going to the police if it happened again.

Fast forward 6 weeks and I get a call from the school to go in to discuss a safeguarding issue. I thought it would be about the girl across the road - maybe mum had said something to get counselling or something. I was upset she hadn't mentioned it first, but hey...

I get to the school to find it's not about the girl across the road at all, but that she'd told them both about her daughter and about Niamh too. Needless to say, I was livid that she'd break my trust about my own child!

The school refered to Social Services and after talking to me about the measures we'd put in place, they advised it would most likely be just a phone call to go over the details.

Well, a few days later I get a call from the Child Abuse Investigation Unit at the Police Station, and they were talking about me taking Dylan into the station the next day so they could arrest him, and talk to him about it.  We spoke on the phone for a while about it, and I said how I was worried that arresting him would affect him badly, and she said they might be able to talk to him under caution, but she wasn't sure until she spoke to her superior officer.

I had to get a solicitor involved, but collected Dylan from school and took him to the station.  On the way we explained what was going on, and he pretty much freaked out.  

Luckily, at the station they interviewed him under caution and it emerged that there was basic touching over clothes, but that's it.  The Police decided no charges need to be brought, but they'll refer the matter to the Youth Offending Team to try to get him some counselling, and to assess if anything else is needed.  We thought that was the end of it.

Thursday last week I got a call from a Social Worker to arrange to come and carry out an assessment, and potentially start a child protection investigation if Niamh is at risk from Dylan.

She came today and it was awful.  She basically labelled my son a child abuser, and told me my daughter is at risk of him re-offending.  I couldn't stay for the whole meeting as I had to take Niamh swimming, but I'm worried about the fact they know about my mental health history, my DID and that they have basically said that we need to inform the child protection officer at school in case Dylan is a risk to other children, and that we should make sure he's supervised at all times.

I'm devastated and am so confused.  I want this all to be over.  I don't know what way is up at the moment.  Along with this going on, I've been making trips to and from the hospital to see my nan, who has since died, and her funeral is on Monday.  Also, I've had to have more painkilling injections into my back to try to help the levels of pain I'm in with my hip.

It's all going a bit crazy, and I have my last counselling session tomorrow before a 4 week break over Christmas.

I've always believed that Clairabelle, or Belle as she's shortened her name to was in an oblivious bubble... With no idea of what had gone on with the abuse. The other day I was listening to a song and it mentioned about people saying no to sex... And suddenly Belle told me she'd said no but he never listened so she'd just stopped telling him.

I'm devastated and struggling. Thankfully my counselling resumes Wednesday but I feel like the bottom has been pulled out from under me.

This makes him more of a monster than I ever thought.

I know it's been ages since I've written, and I'm sorry for that.

It's been a lovely 6 weeks or so off with the kids during their summer holidays, and today was their second day back and school, and my first day back at work.

I'm so glad to be back at work - I love it, and have really missed both the kids and the staff!

Counselling's been going well on the whole.  Last week was weird as I'd missed a couple of weeks due to a holiday, and then a childcare crisis, and when I went I was feeling oddly calm.and everyone was happy and excited as it'd been a good holiday, and we've been having lots of fun.

Then I sat and wrote a letter to my abuser that I'd been meaning to for ages (not to send, just for cathartic reasons), and it sent everything into haywire.  I had Janie (age 10) panicking, Titch (13) completely devastated by it, and the male teen I've yet to discover his name just hating me for writing it at all.  The weird thing is, it's a very powerful letter and yet I feel nothing when I read the details in it.  If anything, I feel sad.  My counsellor said it made her feel angry, but nope...  sad.

This week's session was talking about my weekend spent doing something called LARP.  It's basically medieval re-enactment, but with more of a fantasy element so you can be whatever you want to be.  I play a healer called Caitlyn, and have been playing this role for nearly 12 years now.  For the first time at LARP (I've been doing the hobby for 18 years), I felt incredibly uncomfortable, and the littles were very upset and confused by what was going on.  They were scared and overwhelmed by all the people, the physical contact and a sense of distorted reality.  I spoke to Oya about it, and she's suggested explaining it to them.  I'm going to try that and she expects that next time will be better, and thinks maybe now I'm more aware of everyone that is why I felt what they felt about it.  I really hope I can make it work with them as I don't really want to  give up the hobby.

Today I've felt kind of disjointed and a bit on autopilot.

Oya thinks I'm still dissociated from my feelings towards the abuse - we talked about the fact I can almost robotically talk details (as I did during the court case), but don't feel emotion attached to that.

Her favourite phrase at the moment seems to be "it will come with time".  Problem is, although part of me understands that, another part of me is getting frustrated with the "process" (that she keeps referring to) taking so long.  She says we're looking at a few years of counselling yet to deal with things, and I felt my heart sink.  I guess I hadn't realised how in depth this whole thing is going to be, and how much there is to look at.  At the moment it seems the more we talk about, the more there is to sort out.

She's recommended a UK charity called PODS that offer help for people with DID, and she's recommended I attend a couple of their workshops that she's done personally.  She thinks they'd really help.  I'm going to look into them.  The dates I could find were early next year.

I guess at the moment I feel like I'm treading water, and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.