It's all been a bit funny recently.  A couple of major revelations have come up through counselling, and the latest development is the aware of a compensation payment through the Criminal Injuries Compensation Authority of £22000.

Counselling has been a bit weird and surreal...  we've been talking about the inner child parts of me (yes, you read that right - parts) that are stuck and need help to deal with what they're going through to let them re-integrate, so I can fully heal.

For years, I've been hearing these little voices, only a couple to start, and I never admitted to them as I worried about Multiple Personality Disorder...  well, through lots and lots of reassurance through my counsellor, she's said she doesn't think it's that at all, and just thinks they're parts of me that need working through...  almost important sticking points from how I dealt with being abused.

At first, it was the 11 year old me...  worried about having started my periods, and the possibility of him touching me while bleeding, and I guess on some level, worried about pregnancy.

Then came the 13 year old me...  so much conflict about telling someone about what was going on, especially as it took 6 months after finding out that what he was doing was wrong to actually tell someone.  This part of me didn't want the abuse to happen anymore, but didn't want to upset him either.

Now comes the 9 year old part of me, the one that was raped for the first time.  She remembers pain, and confusion.  She doesn't want to me hurt, but wants to be "good" too.

Also, a 7 year old part of me.  This one came to light via a weird dream, of finding her in a rabbit hutch one morning.  She felt safe and happy in the hutch with my rabbit Nibbles, and didn't want to come out.  I tried to drag her out, but she kicked and screamed and bit and fought all the time I was holding her.  I remember in the dream calling someone (maybe Social Services?) about her, and trying to get her help.  We spend a whole counselling session going over this dream, and the major difference for me now is that rather than ignoring these voices, I want to help them, and am starting to feel compassion towards them, especially the youngest.

So, new "voices" are coming to light...  I still worry that it's a sign of MPD, but I need to be honest with my counsellor if I want to move on with things.

This week, I got a letter from the Criminal Injuries Compensation Authority...  I was advised to apply for compensation for what I went through by the police woman in charge of my court case, and by the Victim Support team...  I did, although not expecting to get anything, and a lengthy wait to find anything out...  anyway, 3 months later, I get a letter this week awarding me £22000..  I really don't know how to feel about it.  I've never had money like that, ever...  so part of my is elated, and I'm already thinking of ways to spend parts of it, and obviously, put a massive chunk into our savings.  I've never been able to contribute financially to our relationship, so this is a good thing.  On the other  hand, however, it kind of feels like payment for services rendered, and in a way, I feel like a whore.  I know that sounds dramatic, but it's been playing on my mind.  Si knows I'm uncomfortable with the money, but not to how much of an extent.  I need to talk to my counsellor desperately.

In good news though, we're off to Eurodisney in a few hours.  It's a massive surprise for the kids...  we've kept it a secret for months, and are leaving it until they work out where we're going for themselves.  We've told them we're staying overnight at my Auntie's...  which they've got excited about...  I can't wait until we meet Si's parents at the Eurostar terminal, and they work out what's really going on!!