So, after a night of peaceful sleep thanks to some diazepam, things are somewhat brighter today.

That's probably also helped by the fact I saw both my counsellor and my Dr yesterday too.

I'll write about the doctor's appointment first, as that's far easier.  Firstly, I brought her up to speed about everything that's gone on since February - last time I saw her, the trial was a few weeks away.  Then, I explained about what the triggers were we identified in my counselling session - the fact my counsellor is leaving in a few weeks, and also the letter from the Victim Support people talking about keeping me informed about his release date and parole conditions.  She was quick to reassure me that she doesn't think this is the start of that horrible slippery slope into the pits of depression and hopelessness...  apparently, she could see in my eyes that I was petrified about that (which is true!) She said that this is a normal (!) anxiety reaction to the current situation, and that it should calm on it's own.  I have to take diazepam every night for 10 days, starting last night, as that should help calm me during the night - and we already know that lack of sleep is a massive trigger for my depression/anxiety/general lack of cope.  She's said that if it's not better within about a week or so, to go back and see her and she can up my anti-anxiety meds, but it's better not to knee-jerk for now.  She's reassured me that now we've discovered the triggers, hopefully things will calm down quickly.

My counselling session was a whole other story.

It was so hard going into that room to talk to her, knowing that we only have a few sessions left.  I was agitated, fidgety, and struggling to stay in control.  My flashbacks reared their ugly head too, just for good measure.  I sat there for 45 minutes rocking, with my arms wrapped round myself, or sat tapping my feet.  The little voices I have didn't even make an appearance, except to say they feel abandoned cos she's leaving us.

I'm so scared of not making the link I have with her with somebody else.
I'm scared of the next counsellor saying I'm MPD due to the voices.
I'm scared of this "healing process" never being over.
I'm scared of when he gets out - what if he comes to find me?  He's going to be very angry by then.
I'm scared of never getting better.

Over the last few days, I've felt like I'm going crazy with all the anxiety.  I've felt like I'm not going to have a grip on the chaotic feelings for much longer.  It feels like I'm slipping.  I haven't even had a reprieve at night time...  I've been waking in a panic and being completely disorientated, or being shaken awake by Si, and I'm tangled in the covers and absolutely dripping with sweat.  I don't even know what I'm dreaming of to freak me out so much.

I don't think the recent news about Rolf Harris is helping.  All over the news and the papers is about child abusers, and sentencing, and jail...  and it's someone that has hurt children, and has been found out to be a bad man...  it's shaking me up to think of other child abusers as bad people, as it shakes up the view I have of my grandad too.

I think I'm starting to think about him in a whole different light, and that's really, really scary.  I'm starting to think about his intentions, and the grooming process, and the lies he spun, and it's really difficult.

The fact Emily's leaving has hit me harder than I thought.  I feel abandoned.  I feel like the process with her is started, but she's dumping me part-way through.  I feel bad for saying anything to her though as I know deep down that it's nothing personal, and she's said she feels bad leaving, and it's not because of anything I've said, but it's so hard to believe that.  She wouldn't be the first person to walk out on me as they couldn't cope with what's happened to me - it's one reason why I've vowed to keep quiet before.

The little voices are telling me it's my fault she's leaving, but they're so upset.  They feel like the first 'friend' they've had is running away.  She's the first person I've risked talking to about them, and she's leaving.  I'm scared about telling anyone else - I haven't even told my GP.  The rational part of me knows that's not the reason she's leaving, but I haven't been particularly rational lately.  She's said she'll make sure the person taking over from her has dealt with the 'voices' issue before, but in some ways that's even more scary as that means it is something they're going to know about me before I even meet them.

I'm undecided yet whether or not I want her to discuss me with my next counsellor.

I'm worried about wasting the time I have left with the Rape Crisis Centre.  Starting again means spending another 6 weeks or so getting to trust someone new.  With trusting someone new comes the issue of 'will they think I'm crazy?', 'will they get it?', 'will they be shocked by what I tell them?', etc.  She's said that I don't have to attend the last few sessions with her, but that means I'm running out on this process, and bailing on her completely.  I mean, how will just not attending help at all?  She's still going to leave, and I'm sure the new counsellor can't take over any sooner, so I'll just lose 4 weeks or so.