Today's counselling was tough. We talked about my life pre-abuse, so 0-5 years. This wasn't a particularly happy time for me. I was born 10 weeks premature, so wasn't supposed to survive. Mum's waters broke at 20 weeks so I was being squashed in the womb up until birth too. I had lots of medical issues and was in and out of hospital till my teens. I remember lots of pain and invasive procedures, which I hated and they left me feeling vulnerable and out of control.  Add to that the fact we moved every couple of years as dad was in the forces, and it led to lots of being unsettled. At 5, my mum and dad split up and I have vivid memories of being sat on the kitchen side by my dad who told me he was leaving as "mummy doesn't love me anymore". This meant a move for us too... New house, new school and new stepdad. New stepfamily too, which meant that my stepgrandad could jump on the fact I desperately wanted to be loved, and atart abusing me under the guise of love and affection. As my parents worked nights and he looked after me and my sister, this gave him unhindered access to us nightly. I never questioned what was happening - I though this was something normal to be happening. Later, I remember asking for him not to babysit, and for me not to have to 'walk the dog' with him - but she always made me... I remember being desperate not to go with him, but she was insistent and this meant more abuse .  

Today, we talked about the fact I was basically abandoned by my parents... By my dad when they divorced (especially as visits were very sporadic after), and then by my mum and stepdad as they worked all the hours under the sun. I had to fend for myself, and later looked after my siblings... Which included food and schoolwork and basic housework.

It comes down to the fact that he made me feel lived, wanted and special... He gave me regular attention, and I craved it. I believed every single lie he spun... Why wouldn't i??

Problem is, I'm scared and the littles are terrified. I don't want to acknowledge all these feelings from before. I'm happy in this little bubble of denial/apathy.  What happens if everything falls apart? 

Lots of feelings around the way things were dealt with when I told my parents about the abuse too. I had to keep silent and HE was protected. I was left behind when the family met up. I had to make the choice not to go to family gatherings so I wouldn't see him. I had to keep everyone happy and not say anything to risk that happiness and normality.

Oya said something that stuck today... It may have been my normality but that doesn't make it the norm.