I completely freaked out in therapy today.  I feel so ashamed and embarrassed, that I can't put it into words.  Everything started out so well - I was feeling apprehensive about EMDR when I went into the session, but I was happy and positive.  We talked and laughed about LARP while I tried to explain without making myself sound too crazy.  Then we tried a bit of EMDR around my tongue surgery.  All was fine for the first couple of goes, but when I started to feel a bit of panic - and I wasn't sure whether it was from the op, or from before.  We tried to work with the slight panic, but it rapidly escalated to me freaking out - I couldn't breathe, or speak.  I answered by nodding/shaking my head only.  He kept telling me I was safe here, that I was safe with him - I think that made it worse.  I couldn't even move.  When I felt able to move, I sat in the chair nearest the door, and, in fairness, he moved his chair as far as he could from me.  He tried talking me through some breathing exercises, but the only thing that helped was time.  When I was calmer, I told him how embarrassed I felt; he said that he was sorry I felt that way and that there was no reason to feel embarrassed.  He thinks I freaked out because rather than letting myself feel the stuff that comes out of EMDR, I'm trying so hard to repress it.  He said he's starting to realise how scary all of this is for me.  I can't really make much sense of this.  I don't really know what sent me spiralling so fast and far.  He told me to take time for me and try to work on staying calm.  It doesn't really make any sense.  I remember feeling comforted by Andy's voice, but the stuff he was saying I didn't know - it didn't help me from the frozen panic state I was in.  When I was in the further away chair it did help, but I really wanted to be sat on the floor hid in a corner.  To be honest, the only thing that stopped me was the fact I was worried what Andy would think of me if I did.  He keeps telling me that he won't think any less of me, no matter what I tell him, but I struggle to believe him.  How can he say that when he doesn't know what I'm going to say?  Saying that though, I have told him that my recurrent flashback is of him raping me the first time, so he knows that already.  He kept asking me questions today while I was freaking out - if I wanted to cry, if I wanted to shout; I couldn't do anything.  I guess I'm worried I'm not normal.  Andy said I seem to have distanced my emotions and memories from each other.  Maybe he was trying to tell me that me freaking out today was a result of me trying to stop them from merging.  Could the EMDR have made something surface, and this be my frantic reaction to it?  Who knows.  Am I trying to read too much into everything as usual?  Probably.