Another session with Andy yesterday.  It left me feeling exhausted.  I was surprised how blunt he was about certain things - my last therapist was never so outspoken against anything, but Andy's different.  I felt like yelling at him at one point yesterday.  I did tell him that at least.  He said that my grandad was manipulative, and I nearly lost it - I wanted to tell him that he was wrong, and that wasn't how it was.  We spoke about how old I was when it started, and how long it went on for, and why I didn't tell sooner - basically, he  never said I couldn't tell anyone as such - but I never realised it shouldn't be happening.  I remember wondering why other family members weren't touching me too - he said it was because I was special and because he loved me - well, why didn't they feel that way about me too?  I remember feeling unwanted and rejected when the abuse stopped - like I did a bad thing tell, and he didn't love me anymore.  Andy also said that when I told my family about the abuse they all colluded against me to keep me quiet - so I wouldn't break up the family.  He said that pressure was unfairly left to rest on my shoulders.  It's so hard to work all this through - it means thinking badly of my family and my grandad for their part in all of this, and I'm not sure if I can.