Today's session was a tough one.  After my tongue surgery yesterday, and given the fact I'm on edge at the moment too, I'm feeling pretty fragile right now.  The surgery triggered me, and today we worked out some of the reasons.

-  I had to stay still lying down
-  I had to keep my mouth open
-  pressure on my tongue
-  jaw ache
-  not being able to ask them to stop (I know if I did, it would only prolong the procedure)

It was useful to talk everything through.  I had a really hard time staying present in the chair during the procedure.  I started freaking out at one point - shaking uncontrollably and starting to hyperventilate - but they stopped and helped my calm down so they could put the stitches in.  Maybe I should've signalled when I started to panic, but I couldn't. Thankfully, the doctor noticed - she stopped, and just put her hand on my shoulder while slowly talking to me.

In therapy today we also talked about
- my previous marriage
- whether or not I want to prosecute at some stage - I said that I already feel like I'm betraying him, and I don't want to hurt him; also that I don't like it when people feel badly of him
- whether or not to confront my mum - I'm fairly sure he hurt her before, or during my abuse - so how did she not suspect?  Why didn't she ask?  Why didn't she protect me?
- he keeps telling me how strong I am, but I don't think so
- I don't know how I can work through things so he doesn't have power over me anymore if I don't believe he did anything wrong, but I don't know how to change that perception.

Flashbacks have been stronger since yesterday and it's harder to stay present and grounded.  I started drifting into them towards the end of therapy yesterday.  Andy noticed.  He asked me what was happening, but I just froze - I was too scared to tell him yet.  He asked about getting up and moving around, but I was in another flashback by then.  We're going to try EMDR next week, but we'll see how it goes.  He commented on my behaviour during a flashback - like I just seem to be lost and vacant.  At the moment, I feel him over me, kissing me - his tongue in my mouth, suffocating me - it's horrible.