This morning the weather's dreary, and I should be getting on with housework.

Last night was filled with puzzling dreams - his face, the courtroom, having to give evidence.  I don't think it got to an outcome, but it was pretty harrowing.  I remember lots of tears, and coming off the stand feeling raw and exhausted.

I know I won't go "on the stand" anyway, as I'll be able to give evidence from another room, but after my dream the other night of Andy finding me in a mess of tears in a stairwell, I wonder if I'm more stressed about this than I realise.  It's obviously playing on my mind, and is in my waking thoughts, as well as my dreams.

At least I still see my therapist as helping me - I mean, when he found me in the stairwell in my dream, he was only one who could get through to me, and calm me down.  He was a massively calming influence.

I do wonder what affect going to court and dragging it all up and out into the open is going to have.  I'm hoping for the closure, but I'm worried about the "along the way", or "getting there".  I know it might not even go to court yet, but I can't help thinking about it.  I don't want to end up back in that dark place, when the flashbacks are constant.  I didn't like it, and it scares me.  I can see it from time to time, but keep myself busy, and push it back away.  Will that keep working??